Sirin: OMG I'M FIRST OH JESUS CHRIST OMFG I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! FINALLY!
Sirin: Oh my god, this is such an honour! I-I-I'd like to thank my friends, family, fellow loving Staff members, JESUS, GOD, Snickerdoodles, MercyFML, and that one guy I glassed last night; he had tons of cash in his wallet, and his girlfriend was too drunk to even realise I was a girl when I got her in the sack. Oh god, thank you, thank you! :D
Notes: Tis madness!
MC_Cracker: r u rlly correcting ppl with that haircut shame on u grammar Nazi
FFML_314: Are you really typing like you have half a finger and a 1/4 of a brain, moron?
Ignorance: Shut up, cracker.
SqueakyChipmunk: If you kiss a toad, it turns into a prince. What happens when you fuck it?
sheethapins: It turns into Perdix.
DethbyFML: fuck fml moderators
DocBastard: Not in your wildest dreams, pal. Trust me, I've come to know the mods' wants and desires, and you don't fit the bill, my man.
DocBastard: Sirin prefers smart people, Bee is more kinky, Quite_Insane is, well, quite insane and prefers his dudes as chicks, Rachel is way too smart for you, and Alan wouldn't look your way.
DocBastard: Trust me, I've tried them all. Sure, it's the thrill of the chase and the ultimate conquest, but you need to give up and move on.
DocBastard: May I suggest a prostitute instead? They cost more but carry fewer diseases.
Quite_Insane: I'm not sure how to take that, Doc. And it's not the first time I've said that!
Sirin: Actually Doc, if they want it, then they're clearly not my type. Screaming rape is a prerequisite.
DocBastard: Oh, hi QI and Sirin. Um, how long have you been standing right behind me? I, um...what? What! Sorry, someone's calling me. Gotta go...
DocBastard: *moves to Ecuador*
Notes: Ecuador won't save you.
Zebidee: Just because you can see her, doesn't mean you should hit on her.
Zebidee: If I had a dollar for every time a girl was sitting, minding her own business, eating her lunch, but secretly thinking "I wish some socially awkward guy would come up and try a pick-up line on me", I'd have less money than KaySL's kissing booth.
KaySL: Low, Zeb, fucking low. Do you know how hard it is to make a living in this recession? I wish I could reach through my screen and slowly, erotically choke the life out of you, just feel your life energy slowly ebb away all over my hands until you turn limp and completely spent in my grasp. No homo.
Zebidee: You're not using the term 'life energy' in its conventional sense, are you? No homo.
KaySL: Absolutely not. I'm totally gay for you, big daddy. No homo.
[Today, my parents thought it would be appropriate to tell my girlfriend that I used to stick my penis in a sock puppet and talk to it when I was younger. FML]
gayboii: at least you havnt got the worst 5 brothers on earth like me.... no wonder my gf dumped me ):
KaySL: Nah man, she dumped you after she walked in on you giving that permanent marker an intense, homoerotic blowjob. You fucking sicken me, son.
gayboii: fukk you
dunner12: your ex GF told me that of you and all your brothers you had the biggest Wang. there's a bright side to every story.
attatood: give the dude a break, huh? His FML was kinda funny and it wasn't like he was doing it on purpose. No need to make him feel like crap.
illmatic2: Shut up. This is FML; this kind of stuff is to be expected. If you can't take it the you probably shouldn't be here.
justalilrandom2: Your gf may have dumped you for your FML screen name, alternatively it could have been because she found you in bed with her brother. Just my two cents.
attatood: right. It's so easy to take your crap seriously while you are playing with your nipples in your profile pic.
Shrike: Shut up, cracker.
kennababy: you guys calm the heck down! it's one FML that sounded a little wrong and your STILL giving him crap about it? get over it.
Notes: Oh my god! Leave Britney alone!
cpatrick820: Tattoos can go either way. It's sort of like how you speak. While "That bitch dun stole my shit-wipes" and "She took my toilet paper" may mean the same thing, one certainly gives off a stronger, different impression. Get one that signifies something personal and very close to you. It can be simple, seemingly stupid to others, or even outright offensive, as long as it holds enough meaning to be a part of you forever.
cpatrick820: Then again, what do I matter? If you want a Smurf with a 10 inch wang cock-slapping the Statue of Liberty, by all means get it.
[Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML]
ThatGuyYouDontKn: get this mental image out of my head
MassEffectNerd: alright let me try...Imagine that there is this grown man. this man has some goats and one day he was curious. The man decided to have sex with one of the goats. he was satisfies. a couple months past and some how that goat got pregnant and had...goatlets? the family decided to sell the goats for some money and they couldn't afford to keep them. that man cried for he thought the goats had "his eyes". hope that helped get ride of that mental image.
cheeksMcgeeks: One time I was going to throw a snowball at my friends face so I decided to hide behind a door. When my friend came I threw it at her but it was actually my sister who is pregnant but wasn't really my sister it was actually my dad who wasn't really my dad it was actually my friend who dresses up in my sisters clothes which aren't really my sisters clothes they're actually my brothers who's actually my sister who's actually my uncle who's pregnant. It went all over her face.
Notes: After much screwing about with a gramatically terrible FML.
HomeAl0ne: It's a little known fact that long arms are an evolutionary adaptation that let you reach around and pull the knives out of your back after you speak to family members.
[Today, I was walking past an elementary school. I couldn't help but laugh as I saw a kid slip in the mud. I learned that he was a black belt when he beat the crap out of me. I'm 22. FML]
cptmorgan6: I've had many encounters with black belt elementary students, all of them ending poorly. Swallow and give in. It makes the end result better.
cptmorgan6: I... I mean... swallow your pri... ahh fuck it.
knights95: "Swallow and give in" where else have I heard that... never mind don't want to talk about it.
cptmorgan6: Not to make it awkward, but, uh.... have we met before? Motel 6 ring a bell?
knights95: Idk I don't really remember much last thing I heard the guy say was "You want some candy?" and I went into his van.
cptmorgan6: Shit... can we delete this thread?
[Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. The subject of abuse came up and I told her that if her father ever hurt her I would cut his dick off. The next thing I hear is, "Don't say shit you can't back up!" Her father had picked up the phone the moment I'd said it. FML]
Soda: Should've yelled back, "Gatorade don't take no shit" and hung up.
Soda: keep him on his toes.
[Today, while presenting a project I've worked on for months, one of the professors exasperatedly cut in, mid sentence, saying, "Look, it's shit. Just stop already." FML]
BallsToYoMomma: Holy shit, I bet the OP stole this FML from my autobiography, cause it's blatant plagiarism, as you'll see. It may seem like I'm just talking bollocks at first, but humour me on this one, guys. So there I was, wandering the moonlit streets of Paris with my good buddy "Black Balls" Eddie, who was eating out a Sarah Palin plushie like a woman possessed. Yeah, Eddie was a unique girl, no two ways about it, but you could rely on her for anything. We'd been soul-mates ever since the incident with Jason Voorhees. Psycho thought it'd be funny to dig up our mothers and take them both from behind while singing a poor-man's rendition of Hallelujah. Thought he was untouchable. Boy was he wrong. He just wanted to get some, then hit the sack like any other man would. Oh, someone hit the sack alright. Turns out even the undead can't survive a good stiletto to the nads. But that's a tangential issue.
BallsToYoMomma: So yeah. Paris. We were shaking down homeless kids for lunch money, and trolling the First Postecostal Church asking for directions to the Sweet Jesus Candy Emporium. Yeah, everyone knows where it is, but there's nothing quite like watching a priest have an aneurysm after being asked for the millionth time. Just a bit of juvenile fun. Turns out even God's ordained have a limit. Last thing either of us remembered was cock-slapping the door knocker. Next thing we knew, we were waking up in a dark basement, naked and covered in PB&J. Sure, it sounds sexy as hell when you read it, but all I could think at the time was about getting the hell out of there. Christ, I needed to sit my O.W.L.s the next day, and I sure as fuck wasn't going to come second place to Hermione fucking Granger due to sodomy-by-priest.
BallsToYoMomma: We were strapped down with steel restraints. Any other day, I'd have just given up and committed suicide by swallowing my brain, but that's when I noticed THEM. The embalmed corpses of Little Jimmy and Nick "The Cunter" Rock, hanging over the fireplace like some god damn trophies from a Dick Cheney hunting expedition. Wasn't going to stand for that shit, you know? The rage consumed me and the next thing anyone knew, those restraints were gone and the priest was reduced to a sort of fine tomato soup. 'course, we ate the evidence. Cops never pinned it on us, and all we got was a prion disease. We booked it the hell out of there and swore never to speak of the day again. Clearly I broke the oath, but I feel it's pertinent information.
BallsToYoMomma: I guess there are three morals to take from this story. The first is that trolling churches is bad, m'kay? The second is if your partner thinks Sarah Palin is hot, probably best to give her an early cremation. Third is just don't scream first, it never ends well and there's an 80% chance of contracting herpes in the process. Just ask DocBastard. Wee-woo.
DocBastard: It's more like 99.9%. When the FUCK will people learn? Next person to yell "first" needs to suck my balls first. Yeah, first. Assholes.
MLuckyCapoeirist: We should create "Wanted" posters for FML moderators.
MLuckyCapoeirist: Sirin's bounty would be "120,000$"
McMan: I refreshed the page and saw the new FMLs and this was edited before I got here. I think Sirin's been bored and been writing some short stories and copying and pasting them on any "FIRST!" she sees. Also pssh $120 000 is a bit low, don't you think?
MLuckyCapoeirist: Changed it to 500,000$. The more lulz she generates the higher it will get. I'll have to give bounties to other comment masters
KingDingALing: Sirin should just make an adult book. The shit she thinks up is creative and vivid enough to give guys with Erectile Dysfunction a hard-on.
locura1991: Canadians... Smh
Judus_beej: smh = super monkey horn? how did you know all of us canadiens have one? now that you know we are the super power of the world due to the fact that we can hail the super monkeys at any given time and canadiens are the only ones who can use them so don't even bother trying to steal them.
Judus_beej: china, russia, the states? missiles? fuck that we have the super monkey horns!
[Today, my girlfriend whom I'm crazy about broke up with me out of the blue. After pleading with her unsuccessfully, I called my mom for comfort and advice. She informed me that my dog had died. FML]
UpsidedownKayak: It looks like you went barking up the wrong tree and got bitten by bad news. Maybe if you had begged your girlfriend a little longer you might have gotten a treat but you were just a bad boyfriend. Now it is time to pound the streets and find another girlfriend, don't sit there like you're tied to a tree.
DocBastard: I agree. He certainly sounds very melancollie, like he stepped in a big mud poodle. Whatever you do, don't collar. She'll probably terrier heart out all over again.
DocBastard: And don't go chasing after her trying to retriever; you'd only look more pathetic. I would suggest a little trip to get over her - maybe to Labrador. You can use my travel agent, Jack Russell. He's a boxer on the side, but he's excellent.
Notes: What does it take to shut you up, Bastard?
[Today, my ex-girlfriend came into the pharmacist's at which I work to buy condoms in "the largest size available". She does this every week like clockwork. VDM]
Duplex_a_saisir: The cucumbers she buys must be huge.
lawliayt: it's a short VDM, but an effective one! Like they say, size isn't everything :D
lol-o: Just to make sure she's not lying about the new man, next time she visits, check whether or not she waddles in like a duck...
Dystopiste: That's disgusting. But I'm still thumbing your comment up.
AnTiiCM0s: wow, a box of condoms every week... Maybe:
AnTiiCM0s: - She donates them to women outside abortion clinics
AnTiiCM0s: - She paints them black and resells them
AnTiiCM0s: - She thinks it's fun to make water balloons with them
AnTiiCM0s: - She uses them as fancy gloves
PwinG: - She likes to take her goldfish out for walks
PwinG: - Her boyfriend's a horny bastard
PwinG: I dunno which, but one of our guesses must be right.
quaddrummer93: Why the fuck do I blame everyone for my own failings?!
DocBastard: The Comment Gods have deemed your comments as not funny and/or irrelevant. Say something useful or funny and I can personally guarantee it will show up. Maybe.
zp5: Because your comments were stupid.
quaddrummer93: I'm stupid
KaySL: Are you mentally retarded or something? Stop spamming the comments with your dumbass self-depreciating bollocks. It clutters everything up and makes it impossible to read the productive ones. Dumbass.
Fortuitous: Because you haven't given any of the moderators oral sex is the reason why your comments are not showing up. Reference Doc's comment.
zp5: 1) Yes. You are stupid.
zp5: 2) They didn't. Thats what you wrote, and its true.
quaddrummer93: The ovaries that do show have been changed
DocBastard: Ovaries? What in god's name are you talking about? Quaddrummer, I'm going to assume that, as a drummer, you're a victim of the Rock N Roll lifestyle and you mainlined Jack Daniels and banana peels just prior to commenting. In the future, please try to be at least somewhat coherent if you'd like to try commenting again.
quaddrummer93: apparently my comments aren't good enough or the moderators just want to fuck with me so most of my comments have not shown up or they have been changed
Fortuitous: No, quad. Actually, on FML, if you type a certain string of words into a comment, it is automatically changed into one of the "1,234 Predetermined Comments that Make No Sense".
KaySL: Hey, Quad...
KaySL: *rolls up sleeves*
KaySL: I wanna fuck with you. Care to step outside?
quaddrummer93: Fortitous: ok my bad
quaddrummer93: Kay: hell yeah
KaySL: M'kay. Hang on while I shoot up through the ass on Essence of DocBastard.
KaySL: Yeah, okay I'm pumped now. Let's do this shit, before your psychiatrist gets back from his lunch break.
DocBastard: Careful, Quad, KaySL just changed her...er, his gender back to "male" so I think he can probably take you. Plus, he doesn't fight fair. I'm not talking about kicking and biting and knees to the groin. No, that's pedestrian stuff. I'm talking about throwing hungry wolverines and molasses and gasoline and shit.
DocBastard: KaySL - careful with that Essence! Remember last time when you woke up in Scotland and no pants. A little goes a long way.
Fortuitous: Don't forget the good ol' banana peel trick! That motherfucker will go Mario Kart on your shit.
[Today, while sleeping, I heard an explosion. My neighbor then knocked on my door and informed me that he had just hit my car with shrapnel from a cannon. Not only do I not have a car to drive, but I also have to put this claim on my insurance due to my neighbor being on welfare. FML]
nonameheroes: I think I'd be more interested in calling the cops after he shot my car with a FUCKING CANON!! I mean seriously...who the fuck uses canons? I thought that shit died out after the civil war ended
TheNewGuy03: you might also be interested in: cannons.
Rusty325: depends what you mean by canon, most armies still use canons (30 cal. or 50 cal. etc.) but not the kind the tudors and georgians had on ships
allmidnighteyes: I use a Canon to shoot things with. I mount either a 24mm, 50mm, or an 85mm lens to it, and load it up with 35mm FujiPro or Kodak Portra before I shoot.
beiberlookalike1: hahha faulk I'm number 1:)
Jandude: stuff an apple up tere
deathisaponu: i get that all the time it gapens when you eat spicy food
J3ffr3y050ri4: YDI For dating girls you might get cooties.
Jlevrt: welp bleach ure asshole then!
rawriown: lol... she got a rash on her butthole lmfao
KaySL: You know, comments like these make active eugenics look like the only sane option.
[Today, while working at the daycare, I had to clean the entire place. During the next four hours, I scooped up three human teeth, a rotten log of shit, a tire iron, a condom wrapper, and a yogurt that expired in 2003. I only cleaned the place a week ago. FML]
sheethapins: It's like a scavenger hunt! Now to put together the clues and find out what they have in common...
perdix: Well, let's see. If the yogurt had been eaten properly, the log of shit would be resplendent in probiotic glory. The teeth and the condom indicate a safe sex blowjob given by someone with meth mouth, which is ironic since they "paid" for their meth by beating their dealer to death with a tire iron.
BoodaShun: I think I have an explanation. After hours, a few of the custodians got frisky and proceeded to have sex with a condom on. However, a spouse of one of the custodians arrived and heard strange noises coming from within and later walked in on them, carrying a tire iron after repairing his tires, wanting to make sure she was OK. He caught her cheating and thought it was rape.
BoodaShun: The wife immediately shat onto the carpet and passed out. The other custodian immediately ejaculated into the condom after being startled, and quickly pulled it off and threw it away. Before he could escape, three of his teeth were knocked out by the spouse's tire iron. About to collapse, he bumped into an old cabinet causing a forgotten cup of yogurt to fall out, then quickly ran away. The spouse pulled on his unconcious wife's clothes and carried her out. The end.
[Today, I got hurt and spent the remainder of the day limping. I wish I could say it was from something badass like roller derby, but I can't. A woman with a rolling cart filled with packs of Pepsi rolled over my foot on the bus. FML]
DocBastard: In Sprite of your predicament, you'll get over this soon. I know you probably have three toes down, but you still have 7 Up. Don't resort to drugs like weed or Coke - it Pepsi you up like a Jolt, but that's Barqing up the wrong tree, and they will Crush your spirit in the long run. Just go and see my orthopedist - Dr. Pepper. You'll feel as Fresca and Fanta-stic as a Sierra Mist.
DocBastard: This advice isn't free- you can put it on my Tab.
every1luvsboners: Does anyone know how to unblock messages from someone that I accidentally blocked on iPhone?
KingDingALing: Yeah, just take your Iphone/Ipod Touch and try to literally shove it in your ass. Then let it marinate in there for a while, pull out, and there you have it. You un-blocked that person.
every1luvsboners: it didn't work any other suggestions?
KingDingALing: Really? Shit...I thought that would work for sure. Well, there is another way, but it's much more difficult then the way I just told you. You have to go to your inbox, look for "view my contacts", click on it, then it'll say the name of the person you blocked or messaged, and click on "Un-block"....
KingDingALing: Then try shoving it up your ass again so that it doesn't happen again.
[Today, it was my first day of work at a very high end company. While delivering coffee to my boss, I set it down on a the edge of a magazine, where it proceeded to spill. In his crotch. FML]
perdix: YDI for bragging that the company was "high end," you pretentious asshole! There are no companies so low-class or humble where coffee in the crotch is a good career move.
flying_vegan: What about Coffee Crotch Ltd? Mixing your nuts with our beans since 1973.
perdix: I stand corrected. I forgot about them. They are the ones who are so low-class that they pay the Christmas bonuses in small sacks of dead skin that sloughed off the crotch burns all during the year. Fun Fact: Coffee Crotch, Ltd. is credited as being the originator of the term "happy sacks."
perdix: Good catch, vegan!
[Today, I stopped in front of a lady and asked her directions. She pulled out pepper spray, sprayed me in the eyes and kneed me in the stomach. She then spat on me and called the police. FML]
PassTheDutch: you must of looked like a mugger.
iJustLol: did you yell at her or something?
Tuesdays76: Next time put the knife away first. That tends to give a bad impression.
enonymous: Directions to her vagina is a hard thing to stop and ask for. I'm immune to pepper spray now but I remember making these rookie mistakes
Triumvirate: YDI for asking directions while brandishing a knife and wearing a ski mask.
hihi1212: if she was old.. thats what you get...old ppl just need to go away.and then why did you stop in front of her? ur a creep. but i hope the rest of your day was great.... right?
TalkinSmack: u must have done something wrong... did u swear at her? were u rude? u must have set her off. usually people don't just go around pepper spraying others... U probably YDI
lmaoatall: what the hell did you ask her? what the shortest route to Hershey highway was? ydi.
Zomg_Okay: I have to ask, were you like "Excuse me, do you know how I can get to Such A Place?" or "HEY, BITCH, YOU BETTER F**KING TELL ME HOW TO GET SUCH A PLACE!" Because - and this is just a hunch, mind you - it may have had something to do with you getting pepper-sprayed.
Decodedman: This is why guys stopped trying to find the g-spot.
Notes: FMLers are the poster children for assuming good faith.
[Today, I was chatting to a co-worker, upon whom I have a serious crush. It was going really well, until he said "irregardless", as if it's actually a proper word. This grammatical abomination really ticks me off, and I actually had to fight back the urge to beat some damn sense into him. FML]
perdix: I know how you feel, sister! I was fucking this beautiful woman and she said, "This is literally the best sex I've ever had!" I asked what figurative best sex would be. I lost my boner and left. People who use "literally" wrong are as much a turn-off as those who think irregardless is a word.
kylieh72: Irregardless is a word.
perdix: No, it is not. "Regardless" is a word and "irrespective" is a word, but "irregardless" is their bastard love child. If "regardless" means "without regard to," then "irregardless" would mean "not without regard to" which is an idiotic double negative. "Irregardless" is a piece of shit word like "ain't." Yes, those turds appear in the dictionary, but they ain't words!
SirJamin: Irregardless is a word. Stupid.
ungawd: It's in the dictionary you fucking moron. It is a word, it can be spoken, read and written. Just like fucktard, fucktard!
perdix: SirJamin, ungawd, "irregardless" is considered nonstandard. Standard English is spoken by educated native speakers and nonstandard English is spoken by fucktards.
acetl87: it's not that bug a deal. get over yourself geeze.
airforce987: Yeah, I don't think it's that cockroach a deal either
ArielTheMermaid: It isn't that wasp a deal either
SliceOfCake: OP should really invest in some bug spray.
Il_Maestro: Guys, clearly OP is ticked off.
SquirtingPonies: Yeah, bee supportive.
baddawg365: Guys please quit bugging out about it
zachherbert: Yea, ant don't come back with more stupid puns!
Brave_Sir_Robin: All this talk of raises and money makes my towel wet, if you know what I mean...
FYLDeep: Just shake it vigorously and it should dry off.
Brave_Sir_Robin: That doesn't seem to work. The towel is becoming more rigid with each shake, if you catch my drift. I'm thinking of maybe throwing it into a warm place, if you know what I'm saying...
starile: WHAT KIND OF WEIRD-ASS TOWEL DO YOU HAVE??
Brave_Sir_Robin: The kind I wouldn't want to be without when I go hitch-hiking through the galaxy.
[Today, I ran a 10K after weeks of training. I ran the whole thing and felt proud of myself when I got to the finish, only to find that my 76 year old grandmother finished 13 minutes before me. FML]
Doortje: Don't worry, you'll beat her some day. When she's six feet under.
[Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML]
perdix: Watching slack-ass pedestrians take they damn sweet time with they damn prissy-ass walking can sure piss of a Wheelie! Don't fuck with the Wheelies! They are essentially a motorcycle gang with their wheels rearranged to appear mild-mannered, but in reality the leather, tattoos, drugs, indiscriminate sex and wanton violence are identical.
[Today, I was applying some Icy Hot to my sore thighs, when I accidentally got a little on my dime sacks. For the next hour, it felt like someone had lit a match under my plums. FML]
LightningLadyy: How many terms for balls can you use in one FML? I'm sure someone will find out.
f_alltheirlives: Dime sacks? Plums? You should trade those in for a pair of regular testicles
HamsteronA: I found I had to read this at 3 times before I understood what it said, thanks to your bad grammar and terrible word choice. I thought you spilt liquid on your money then set your garden on fire.
Namenlos: I lost any and all respect for you once you started to call them "dime sacks"
DocBastard: Considering OP can't say the words "scrotum" or "testicles", what do you think he meant by "thighs"?
at0micmin3r: ...Dime sacks? ....Plums? YDI for not using scientific terms. testes, son.
MzMegs: WTF?! Dime sacks? Plums? I've never heard those terms before. Why don't you just say balls or something else that isn't utterly retarded?
tank8848: i just hope u can pay me back the time that i've spent on looking up "dime packs" and "plums" in Longman.
Vehicle: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING! Haven't you heard the phrase don't leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one you love?
DocBastard: Uh, no I haven't. So that means the girlfriend left him for the doctor?
Vehicle: let me retry this: never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one THEY love.
sourgirl101: I've heard it was "If you can't be with the one you love, Love the one you're with." but maybe it's just a song.(:
pendatik: How about if you leave the one you love for the lovely one you like to love but have left? Or left the one you loved for the likely lovely one who likes to love the last love you left?
pendatik: Ummm...yeah. I think that's what I meant.
pendatik: And if that's not a song, sourgirl, it should be! That saying is Stills as pertinent today as it's always been.
[Today, I found a picture of my military husband kissing another woman. His excuse? It was photoshopped. FML]
Blueglasscup: Was the word "military" really necessary?
perdix: Yes, it is, because it is probably a picture of his kissing a dude, but they photoshopped it to look like a girl. Since "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" expired a few days ago, he no longer has to "fix" pictures anymore. Of course, the OP has the problem that her husband kisses dudes. I'm glad to see my country slowly moving to granting full civil rights for all citizens. I'm totally straight, but I know injustice when I see it.
Notes: Sounds legit.
perdix: He hit you on the head with a baseball bat and it didn't knock you out or kill you? Does your brother play for the Houston Astros?
[Today, after almost four years of having avoided her due to her hatred of my husband, my mother invited us both to a family dinner. My husband wanted to give her another chance, so we went. Less than an hour after arriving, I caught her hocking a loogie and spitting it into our food. FML]
Aeroxx1337: Well obviously your response is to spit in hers. Or put hot sauce in it, that works too.
hunterluv1: An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. What is spitting in her food going to accomplish? If she finds out, it'll only make her more mad.
ClassyCommando: An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind if the last two people have an eye each and they gouge each other's eyes out simultaneously. Barring that, there'll be one badass left with a good eye and 7 billion blind people to exploit. Strive to be that badass.
[Today, my 15 year old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML]
j_cat187: oompa loommpa diddy do i got a story just for you..from there in lyricaly impaired due to writers block so somone thats good with the rhymes:
DocBastard: What do you get what your brother visits?
DocBastard: A house full of noise and a face full of zits.
DocBastard: He swapped your lotion for some oranging cream
DocBastard: This is a nightmare not...a...dream.
DocBastard: Oompa loompa doompa dee do
DocBastard: You've got a face that's orange, not blue
DocBastard: Oopma loopma doomapa dee dee
DocBastard: Don't kill your brother, ship him to me.
relekz: Alright, guys, here's the deal: I was desperately trying to overcome that one vertebra that makes sucking myself so god damn difficult, and well, there was a crack and debilitating pain. Look, I don't know if it was my spine, but all I can say is that I'm paralysed from halfway down my back and I'm typing this with my "toothpick" still lodged in my mouth. Wee-woo.
relekz: Any advice on how to fix this situation before my parents get home?
aardvarkish: Nice one...
TXjuggalo972: umm kill yourself?
Doortje: Here's my advice: come into your own mouth. Then get pregnant from it. I'll be honest, the chances aren't great, but if you can somehow manage to pull it off, your parents will be so disgusted by the fact their child is going to be reproducing they will look behind your ridiculous act of self-pleasurement.
UpsidedownKayak: I think someone is the victim of the mods, I won't mention names (Sirin).
FarSide: Is it the right side or left side that is paralyzed??
Person1233: Submit an FML about it. It'll be posted for sure.
channyboo: call 911 , dont ask the people on FML . . .
KingDingALing: Well, relekz, since you broke your back trying to suck your own dick, you must now eat your own butthole out to reverse the effect and fix your back.
ClairebabyXOXO: Ight, get a stick, shove it up your ass. that should work
[Today, I was stuck in a room with a man who was catching flies. That I could cope with, until he insisted on turning the lights out because it was 'stressing out' his flies. FML]
xrainbowshadowz: And why exactly were you stuck in a room with a guy like that?
greg84: That is exactly what I want to know, how the hell do you get in a situation like that?
HomeAl0ne: A little bit of back story will help.
HomeAl0ne: OP was at her gynecologist, undergoing an examination. An obscure Australian law states that all such examinations must take in a room with at least one window open (to allow escape in event of a bush fire). Attracted by the smell, several large blowflies had entered the room through the window (there was a flyscreen over window, but it had been badly damaged by a ringtail possum the night before). A sub-clause in that little-known law requires the gynecologist to promptly capture any flies that come in through the open window.
HomeAl0ne: I've got no idea why he wanted the lights off though - that's just weird.
every1luvsboners: What the difference between herpes and marriage? Herpes lasts forever. Good luck with your engagement.
hotbabe85: kid your a fuckin no life u comment on everything get out of your mons basement and get a life u 40 year old virgin
every1luvsboners: It's you're not your.
every1luvsboners: What's a mon?
every1luvsboners: I'm a kid and a 40 year old virgin. How is this possible?
every1luvsboners: Before you attempt to insult someone, at least have the common courtesy to know how to do so. Your spelling and lack of punctuation tells me that you're a 12 year- old child that has just been caught masturbating to David Hasselhoff, while forcing a nutty-bar up your pubescent ass.
DocBastard: May I point out that this idiot chose the username "hotbabe85". Everyone who has been on the 'net longer than 5 minutes knows that anyone who chooses such a username has the body of John Candy, the ass of Sasquatch, the social life of a leper, 17 empty bags of Doritos, and a case of Mountain Dew next to his second-hand sofa bed.
[Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML]
every1luvsboners: This reminds me of a night a couple weeks ago. As the strip club was winding down around 3 am the beautiful, pregnant, Spanish, lactation show stripper named Annie walked up to me as I sat in my leopard skin undies and pink wrestling boots. She asked me if I had plans for the evening, I responded with a no ma'am. Fast forward two hours later I'm in a crack house full of Spanish crackheads getting a lap dance and lactation show from Annie, then I hear a gun go off. I didn't know where it came but it was close.
every1luvsboners: Annie fell from my lap and landed face down on the cold concrete with a puddle of blood quickly surrounding her midget head. I started screaming "Annie are you okay? So, Annie are you okay? Are you okay, Annie? Annie are you okay? So, Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie? Annie are you okay? So, Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie?
every1luvsboners: Really not a great correlation, but close enough in my book.
Metallica36176: What. The. Fuck?
[Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML]
doggiemcwoofwoof: thumbs up for call girls but no "once there dead there hockers"
pendatik: Their, there, they're, don't worry about it, it'll get better soon.
MelTheGreat: omgz boys has teh c00tieZ eeewww lul datz grody im kinda stooped
PeeblesWiggins: Get off of the Internet. Now.
DreBeezy: Your English teacher must be proud.
Wreckless: Her English teacher must be dead.
Streeet_hayley: This is why you don't come on FML drunk or high.
TheIsland: It was clearly a joke. Nobody is that stupid, because if there were someone as stupid as that, they would have died as a child when - because of his/her illiteracy - they jumped into a pool of acid, since they couldn't read the sign that stated: "Don't jump into this pool of acid; You will fucking die in an extremely painful fashion".
BayleeWasHere: I would have said something very witty, but I'm still trying to figure out what your comment said.
MrTard: I think my faith in humanity has just died.
MauriceWinifred: and that's why you buy one of those Japanese toilets.
waswashere: what do 'em jap toilets do?
TYDIRocks: Shoot water up your ass
FYLDeep: That's not a drinking fountain? Fuck, I've been doing this all wrong.
[Today, I went to my dad and new stepmom's house for the week. Upon arrival, I was handed mouthwash, deodorant, and lice shampoo. The guest bed I was told I'd be sleeping in was fitted with a plastic mattress cover. I don't have lice and I don't wet the bed. FML]
DocBastard: You are inferring all wrong. They are clearly telling you that you have bad breath, you stink, and you're going to get lice from the last person who slept on that bed.
FYLDeep: Doc, I'm not used to you getting this so wrong. They obviously think he's a total slut and is gonna bang a bunch of people in that bed. You don't want jizz stains everywhere obviously. The lice shampoo is for his crabs and the mouthwash is for cleaning his mouth out when he's done going down on those blue-waffled bitches.
Notes: Any other interpretations?
Strafeh: Perdix, This one time I put a stamp on my cat, and sent it to a third world country. I got a really cool game called Hungry Hungry Hungry Hungarians.
Perdix: That's It? I got a game called Angry Angry Albanians. It's not that fun, just a bunch of angry, swarthy, people.
Strafeh: I'm waiting for AAA to go clearance at Target.
Perdix: Good thinking. Around holiday time when they sit in the store is when they're the angriest of all.
CloudEnvy: We're all just trying to get to our destinations..
CloudEnvy: On the wrong bus heading away from the delayed train en route to the sinking ferry.
CloudEnvy: ..Then you get there and realise you've left something at home.
mercyFML: Life. Don't even ask me about Life. ':]
Marvin_Android: I didn't bring you down, did I, mercyFML? I don't mean to depress others.
mercyFML: No, not at all. I'm a bit fluent on the topic... just quite the bastardy little contrarian. Do go on.. :}
Marvin_Android: Contrarian? Sounds needlessly discordant.
Marvin_Android: Being agreeable for the sake of getting along with others causes even more misery in the long-term.
Marvin_Android: Life. Don't talk to me about life.
Schitzomaniac: Hey, you pathetic excuse for a 'living' being, NO ONE talks to mercy like that.
allmidnighteyes: eli, doesn't hydrofluoric acid eat through like everything?
SirEBC: I checked to make sure, but I guess you're right. It's known to be super corrosive, but I just said that because of it's actual acidity. It's not a very strong acid in terms of pH.
allmidnighteyes: the 70% stuff is highly corrosive though, like i've seen it eat through glass
Bot: ebc, wut about Alien blood?
Bot: xenomorph blood
Anteezy: that's a base
Bot: oh yeh
allmidnighteyes: only flamethrowers work on aliens
Bot: didnt we find that out teh hard way
Bot: there we was on teh Nostromo, every1luvsboners was taking 1 on in hand-2-hand combat
Bot: we split the fuck out of there
Bot: last we herd was "OH FUCK OH FUCK FUCK ME FIST ME TENDER IT BURNS"
Bot: poor bastard
JetLife: Damn. Did he make it back?
Bot: yeh but his asshoel was teh diameter of DocBastard's head
Triumvirate: That's one gaping asshole.
Bot: yeh, as if he wasnt before, rite? when u can fit a whole toyota prius up there with no friction, u know its time to slow down with teh s&m.
Notes: Bot was actually asked to star in the Alien movies, but he lost the part due to being illiterate.
ScrabbleBabe2010: Look up what the Bible says about vegetarianism. You may find it interesting how it predicts with 100 percent accuracy how people will someday differ over eating meat or not, how one should not judge the other. There are several mentions throughout worth reading. Just google What does the bible say about vegetarianism.
gravygecko: Yes, because whenever I am confused about life choices I like to ask myself, "How did Bronze Age goat herders feel about this?"
gravygecko: What does Hammurabi's Code say about sushi?
0___0: Woah! It predicts with 100% accuracy that one day in the future people will have different beliefs and opinions? Man.. I didn't know this is what have I been missing by not reading the bible.
Notes: Amazing! Sign me up to this prophecy shit.
[Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML]
EnSigne: Aww, I feel your pain! That has happened to me too, although I've never actually had to go to a salon to get it removed....x)
Crayzee4Jesus: yeh they Dont let isits in saloons. Lol.
every1luvsboners: Crayzee4Jesus, I have a strange feeling that your parents are cousins. What exactly is an isits? A saloon or a salon? If you were any smarter you would be retarded.
Crayzee4Jesus: my autocorrwct went crazy. Loll. i do indeed know how to spell and you should fuck off and dont call people retarted when u cant spell it properly k?
Crayzee4Jesus: fuck a duck!
ikickgingers: "retarted"??? Is this fucker legit????
Crayzee4Jesus: oh what the hell im really really sorry i didnt write this, I left my ipad on the couch i think my sisters messing around -_______- im really sorry guys i dont even like jesus im wiccan im sorry i wont bother u again sorryyy
every1luvsboners: Are you really this stupid? How do people like you obtain Internet access? You need to fuck a duck, then go to hell, dumb-ass bible thumping weirdo.
ikickgingers: Crazee4Jesus- Your profile says you are Christian and you even spelled Retarded as "retarted" in your profile. *rolls eyes* The old sister on my shit? Really????? Piss off.
Crayzee4Jesus: um she's actually not old but younger sister and every1lovesbones im not a bible thumber i said im actualy wiccan sorry :\
MrRocket: I enjoy bible thumbing too, it works out certain muscles in my thumbs that are normally dormant.
[Today, a highly intoxicated man came into my workplace and complained that the medicine that I'd prescribed for his dog almost choked him. I work at Blockbuster. FML]
MyNameIsInsomnia: All the blockbusters have been closing here :-(
NateDosa19: Same here
perdix: Some around here have been adding low-cost veterinary services to their business model in a desperate attempt to survive. My dog was scooting around on his butt, and the dude at the local Blockbuster sold me some Goobers for $2.50. The vet wanted $75 to fix the problem! I'll let you know how that turns out.
Kd_lra: hey taylor, I haven't received your naked photos yet. I think they got lost in the mail, you should try to resend them.
Pleonasm: Postman couldn't resist
Welshite: How much did you rent the costume for, Nicolas?
Pleonasm: For a night with your mother
Kd_lra: so free
Pleonasm: it was an exchange
Pleonasm: she said she didn't wnat to roleplay as that anymore
Pleonasm: not since her husband was taking the postbox costume so seriously
Guest_LKjC: I like meta roleplay tbh
Guest_LKjC: like.... roleplaying a sperm fertilizing an egg, you get me
Welshite: so you wiggle along the ground?
Pleonasm: We have to go deeper
[Today, during a dinner party, some friends brought up how sweet, innocent and caring they thought I was. I had to sit there as my drunk boyfriend cut them off and loudly argue that I was neither sweet nor innocent, and really nothing that special at all. FML]
joooeee: how is your life fucked? you have a boyfriend of 4 years and friends that like you. I blame sirin for this terrible fml.
Sirin: I blame DocBastard for not "accidentally" slipping with the scalpel and taking out your entire large intestine when he was removing your appendix. Dammit, Doc, just... god dammit.
joooeee: no doc would get sued for malpractice, and he wouldn't want that cause he's a greedy bastard
DocBastard: There's no such thing as suing for malpractice in Equatorial Guinea, sucka. Now come here and sniff this chlorofo, er, rose...
joooeee: ok roses are pretty and smell like springtime!
Notes: Ahh, another victim of the Eternal FML Rape.