FMyLife QDB
Blessings of Bastard upon ye.
DocBastard: I'm going to apologise in advance for this cheesy comment.
DocBastard: I know you bring pizza with extra cheese expecting to Edam both together, but I think you were feta lie and ended up feeling bleu. It's a Gouda idea not to act like the provolone ranger - you ricotta ask your friends Colby and Jack to help you clean up the mess. I'm not trying to act like a munster, just trying to give you some advice which you may not abrieciate. Take a deep breath and get a drink from the water fontina.
KaySL: AH SHUT YOUR FACE.
bigbadtim: LOL Doc, that was awesome. Looks like you cheesed off KaySL.
WhatTheJunk: Admit it, KaySL, you love these puns. I bet you wish you had this kind of talent like DocBastard.
DocBastard: I know you bring pizza with extra cheese expecting to Edam both together, but I think you were feta lie and ended up feeling bleu. It's a Gouda idea not to act like the provolone ranger - you ricotta ask your friends Colby and Jack to help you clean up the mess. I'm not trying to act like a munster, just trying to give you some advice which you may not abrieciate. Take a deep breath and get a drink from the water fontina.
KaySL: AH SHUT YOUR FACE.
bigbadtim: LOL Doc, that was awesome. Looks like you cheesed off KaySL.
WhatTheJunk: Admit it, KaySL, you love these puns. I bet you wish you had this kind of talent like DocBastard.
Submitted by: Anonymous
January 14th, 2011
[Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied "No", he said "You mean you always look like that?" FML]
LOLbomb: Better question: What's a Shell station? I assume it's a store that sells seashells and soda? An odd combination. o.O
MrSassypants: it's a shell station own by Sally that sells those seashells at a seashore. She doesnt make much money because well she is selling seashells at a seashore and people can just go to the shore and get the seashells by themselves. So Sally, she started selling soda at her seashell store located by the seashore so she can make more cash.
LOLbomb: Better question: What's a Shell station? I assume it's a store that sells seashells and soda? An odd combination. o.O
MrSassypants: it's a shell station own by Sally that sells those seashells at a seashore. She doesnt make much money because well she is selling seashells at a seashore and people can just go to the shore and get the seashells by themselves. So Sally, she started selling soda at her seashell store located by the seashore so she can make more cash.
Submitted by: Anonymous
June 21st, 2011
[Today, at work, a customer went to try on a pair of pants. A few minutes later, she hurriedly returned and put the pants back on the shelf without saying anything. I later found out she'd come down with a bout of diarrhea and apparently didn't want to pay for the dry-cleaning. Glamorous. FML]
johnnybagodonuts: doctors say diarrhea runs in the genes/jeans
johnnybagodonuts: and wtf really uses the word "glamorous"?
pendatik: Anybody with a proper vocabulary and the idea that there is nothing to be ashamed of in using proper words, as opposed to wtf. Oh shit, they used a real word, call johnnybagodonuts, they need to have the piss taken, stat.
pendatik: Christ, you're a fucking idiot.
pendatik: I don't mean Christ is a fucking idiot...ah, fuck it, you know what I mean.
johnnybagodonuts: my picture describes you perfectly, go clean it out :)
pendatik: Your picture also looks like it was written by someone as illiterate as your comment suggests you are. Your comment implies that I didn't get any joke you were trying to make in your first comment. Well, you clearly didn't get any joke I was making in mine, so you're not only a fucking idiot, you're also a fucking hypocrite. You need to get rid of the sand in your own before calling other people on it.
KaySL: Hey, johnnybagodonuts, let me guess, you've had an account on FML for 2, 3 weeks maybe, think you're insanely cool and witty and tough when in fact you're simply some random douche probably just banned from half a dozen forums and recently released from prison on paedophilia charges. Secondary issues likely include a false sense of superiority and a complete lack of a handle on reality. Oh wait, that's me!!!11!!!!1!12girls1cup!1!!!
KaySL: How about you stop twatting around, and maybe get to know the locals and their sense of humour before making yourself look like a raging moron? I guarantee it'll earn you more respect than acting like a jackass in dire need of some Midol.
KaySL: Christ, I need to take my own advice sometimes.
johnnybagodonuts: doctors say diarrhea runs in the genes/jeans
johnnybagodonuts: and wtf really uses the word "glamorous"?
pendatik: Anybody with a proper vocabulary and the idea that there is nothing to be ashamed of in using proper words, as opposed to wtf. Oh shit, they used a real word, call johnnybagodonuts, they need to have the piss taken, stat.
pendatik: Christ, you're a fucking idiot.
pendatik: I don't mean Christ is a fucking idiot...ah, fuck it, you know what I mean.
johnnybagodonuts: my picture describes you perfectly, go clean it out :)
pendatik: Your picture also looks like it was written by someone as illiterate as your comment suggests you are. Your comment implies that I didn't get any joke you were trying to make in your first comment. Well, you clearly didn't get any joke I was making in mine, so you're not only a fucking idiot, you're also a fucking hypocrite. You need to get rid of the sand in your own before calling other people on it.
KaySL: Hey, johnnybagodonuts, let me guess, you've had an account on FML for 2, 3 weeks maybe, think you're insanely cool and witty and tough when in fact you're simply some random douche probably just banned from half a dozen forums and recently released from prison on paedophilia charges. Secondary issues likely include a false sense of superiority and a complete lack of a handle on reality. Oh wait, that's me!!!11!!!!1!12girls1cup!1!!!
KaySL: How about you stop twatting around, and maybe get to know the locals and their sense of humour before making yourself look like a raging moron? I guarantee it'll earn you more respect than acting like a jackass in dire need of some Midol.
KaySL: Christ, I need to take my own advice sometimes.
Notes: Agreed.
Submitted by: DocPhil
April 23rd, 2011
[Today, I was visiting my boyfriend, who lives 2 hours away. After about twenty minutes of glorious sex, he told me in no uncertain terms that he was about to come. He then "baaa"d like a sheep as he came. I couldn't come after that. FML]
amerwin: Ewe should have played along and said something like "give me the wool baby."
pendatik: You should be carded for that comment.
SuperRichFish: Haha, made me laugh, stop hating bad jokes
ImaginaryFoe: I'm going to guess pendatik meant carded as a pun, a very baaaaa-d pun. If ewe wool Google it, ewe wool get it.
amerwin: Ewe should have played along and said something like "give me the wool baby."
pendatik: You should be carded for that comment.
SuperRichFish: Haha, made me laugh, stop hating bad jokes
ImaginaryFoe: I'm going to guess pendatik meant carded as a pun, a very baaaaa-d pun. If ewe wool Google it, ewe wool get it.
Submitted by: Anonymous
January 7th, 2011
allmidnighteyes: YOU DON'T LIKE MEAT? THEN GET OFF MY SON'S MEAT YOU COMMIE WHORE.
Notes: Context is for carnivores.
Submitted by: KaySL
December 30th, 2010
GameOver008: Bet it was MW2
fmlover1326: No, i bet it was MW3!
TheIsland: What's the difference?
vulpine_vixen: What's the difference?... Well it's certainly not the box-art that's for sure! Hahaha.
fmlover1326: No, i bet it was MW3!
TheIsland: What's the difference?
vulpine_vixen: What's the difference?... Well it's certainly not the box-art that's for sure! Hahaha.
Notes: Hahah-- wait, what?
Submitted by: Anonymous
November 22nd, 2011
Link5794: Wait,wtf? Is there an edit function that I haven't heard if? I clicked this fml, went back to recents, and the ending was different.
mercyFML: That's crazy talk.
KaySL: You're clearly high out of your freakishly hirudinean mind. Next time, do us a favour, and try not snorting petrified dog shit immediately prior to reading the FMLs, eh?
DocBastard: Oh, I see how it is, KaySL. Stealing my jokes, eh? Fiiiiine. It's on, bitch.
KaySL: You wanna throw down, old man? Bring it! Bring it all AWN! You ain't got shit on me, son*!
KaySL: *Of course, this self-assured arrogance is only good as long as you weren't the one who planted that blade in your patient's back to begin with.
DocBastard: KaySL, some bitches just need to get cut.
KaySL: Yes yes, but I fail to see how your shameless Foreskin'B'Gone product placement is relevant to the matter at hand.
OCDC: Hmmm this has a good tagline: "Fuck circumcision, just get Doc Bastard's good old home-made Foreskin'B'Gone!"
mercyFML: That's crazy talk.
KaySL: You're clearly high out of your freakishly hirudinean mind. Next time, do us a favour, and try not snorting petrified dog shit immediately prior to reading the FMLs, eh?
DocBastard: Oh, I see how it is, KaySL. Stealing my jokes, eh? Fiiiiine. It's on, bitch.
KaySL: You wanna throw down, old man? Bring it! Bring it all AWN! You ain't got shit on me, son*!
KaySL: *Of course, this self-assured arrogance is only good as long as you weren't the one who planted that blade in your patient's back to begin with.
DocBastard: KaySL, some bitches just need to get cut.
KaySL: Yes yes, but I fail to see how your shameless Foreskin'B'Gone product placement is relevant to the matter at hand.
OCDC: Hmmm this has a good tagline: "Fuck circumcision, just get Doc Bastard's good old home-made Foreskin'B'Gone!"
Notes: It worked for me. I mean, I almost bled out, but it worked, man.
Submitted by: BastardCorp Shill
March 31st, 2011
[Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML]
MaskingTape: I do that to keep my neighbors from using my Internets. I want it all for myself.
maxschagerstrom: retard, the waves goes through the walls anyway.
pendatik: maxschagerstrom, that has to be, out of all the stupid comments on here, the stupidest one ever. It would win competitions for stupidity, even up against Wayne Stupid, of the Stupidville Stupid's, the stupidest family in the Stupidest town in Stupid State.
pendatik: Did I mention it was stupid?
pendatik: And don't get me started on the fact that it was your inability to spot a joke when it's hammering on your head with a little hammer that has "I'm a joke" written on it that was the reason why your comment was so stupid?
MaskingTape: I do that to keep my neighbors from using my Internets. I want it all for myself.
maxschagerstrom: retard, the waves goes through the walls anyway.
pendatik: maxschagerstrom, that has to be, out of all the stupid comments on here, the stupidest one ever. It would win competitions for stupidity, even up against Wayne Stupid, of the Stupidville Stupid's, the stupidest family in the Stupidest town in Stupid State.
pendatik: Did I mention it was stupid?
pendatik: And don't get me started on the fact that it was your inability to spot a joke when it's hammering on your head with a little hammer that has "I'm a joke" written on it that was the reason why your comment was so stupid?
Submitted by: Anonymous
June 3rd, 2011
[Today, I was taking a piss when a man came in, squatted down beside me, and started shitting in the urinal. All while trying to strike up a conversation. FML]
LuxExNox: Oh, well shank my balls and call me Vera, you've got to be shitting me. This FML is a blatant rip-off of what happened to me last year. You ain't gonna get away with this plagiarism, OP, I'm setting the record straight here, blud. It was December, a couple weeks before Christmas. I'd stopped off in the Netherlands with my buddy "Two Shits" Vic McMan, to pick up a classified package from our contact in the region. Just a routine courier op, 'least so we thought. Christ were we wrong. Got off the plane and put on our disguises. Fuck knows why said disguises were silky tutus and nipple clamps, guess we'll never know, we just slipped our nubile bodies into those things. Servin' our country, yeah? We headed over to our contact's crack den, dodging the homeless death squads like some kinda phantoms who'd never heard of cologne before in their lives, know what I mean, son? God our B.O. could choke alligators dead.
LuxExNox: Went like a dream, we made it to the den with minimal loss of life. She was waiting for us there, simultaneously injecting crack into her eyeballs, snorting vaporised dog shit, and singing Daisy Bell while molesting us with her pornographic gaze. Yep, that was The Dutch for you. They called her Doortje. Dunno why, but we weren't there to ask questions, ya know? We were just grunts, man. She tossed us the package with all the grace of a dying anus leech with little to no motor skills and an alcohol problem. Yeah, that's right around when it all went to hell. Disgruntled shock troops from the local Samaritans hotline bulldozed their way into the building, blew the outer guard of crackheads clean to hell.
LuxExNox: Caught us totally off-guard. McMan screamed and broke down in tears like a little five year old goth bitch being critiqued by Simon Cowell. Maybe it was the shock of the situation, maybe it was the fact these Samaritan bastards would make us Satan's bitch, I'll never know. Poor Two Shits tripped on his own schlong and ended up impaled on the business end of a douche. Tore me up to see the waste of human life, but this wasn't the time for mourning, son. I had fifteen loaded water pistols, assault rifle variants, all trained on my face. Shit was about to get real, bruv, no time to fuck around with that grieving shit, you know?
LuxExNox: Yeah, I stared their leader in the eyes. Isambard Fuckface McCreary Jr. III. He'd been on President Bastard's payroll ever since the Cunters were disbanded. Guessed this was it, ya know? Man had finally lost his shit and made a push for dictatorship. Even then I could see the fires of civil war tearing across the USA. Know what you're thinking: not even a tactical piss-vapour strike could get me out of this one. Yeah, I was about ready to swallow my cyanide pill there and then. That or chew my way through the floor like some god damn hyperactive gopher running on nothing but caffeine and AIDS. To this day I don't know why I did it, swear to God, I'm ashamed. I screamed "first!". Fuck. Out of nowhere, SHE came, bathed in golden light, half-angel, half-devil, and another half pure bitch. They called her The Ripper. But yeah, story for another day, you know, but suffice to say the OP totally ripped my story off. What a little bitch. Wee-woo.
HSOMFG: Shut the hell up.
Doortje: If anyone's interested in a nice shot of crack in their eyeballs; message me. I'll give you a fair price, since we're FML buddies and all.
KingDingALing: Well at least ol' Two Shits' didn't sell you out for a twinky and a coke...
UpsidedownKayak: Doortje, I don't know if I can afford a shot of crack in the eyeballs but I would love to snort some of that vaporized dogs shit while you stare at me with that pornographic gaze. You can just let me sample it, you know since we are FML buddies and all.
Doortje: I don't know Kayak, dog shit ain't cheap these days. But I'll be more than happy to stare at you with my pornographic gaze. It's magical, really. You won't know what's happening to you! Don't be scared by the fact that you'll feel like a squeezed purple chipmunk afterwards, that's normal. You'll come back for more, everyone always does.
KaySL: Oh fuck you, KingDingALing, fuck you right through your skull. That twinky'n'coke was like fucking lembas bread. Two years on and I haven't eaten shit. Committing high treason against Pres. Bastard was the best decision of my life.
McMan: KingDingAling, I wish I had the chance man, you read it I was a goner before I had the chance. Also those silky tutus and nipple clamps were damn near comfortable, don't even lie man.
KingDingALing: I wouldn't have given up so easily, Kay...*Shakes head* If I did then i would have asked for something better, say, a beer and some meth? If you're going to go out with shame, go out while be ashamed, high, and drunk so that the shameness can cancel out. It's perfect math calculations.
KingDingALing: McMan- I bet those disguises would have made Colonel Perdix hornier then a dog that took Viagra.
FailBear920: Teh fuck man!
TheKing82: Someone needs to channel those creative juices into a book, I know I'd buy it!
DocBastard: KaySL, I warned you about committing high treason against me. Your next offence will earn you 4 days in the hole with every1luvsboners.
LuxExNox: Oh, well shank my balls and call me Vera, you've got to be shitting me. This FML is a blatant rip-off of what happened to me last year. You ain't gonna get away with this plagiarism, OP, I'm setting the record straight here, blud. It was December, a couple weeks before Christmas. I'd stopped off in the Netherlands with my buddy "Two Shits" Vic McMan, to pick up a classified package from our contact in the region. Just a routine courier op, 'least so we thought. Christ were we wrong. Got off the plane and put on our disguises. Fuck knows why said disguises were silky tutus and nipple clamps, guess we'll never know, we just slipped our nubile bodies into those things. Servin' our country, yeah? We headed over to our contact's crack den, dodging the homeless death squads like some kinda phantoms who'd never heard of cologne before in their lives, know what I mean, son? God our B.O. could choke alligators dead.
LuxExNox: Went like a dream, we made it to the den with minimal loss of life. She was waiting for us there, simultaneously injecting crack into her eyeballs, snorting vaporised dog shit, and singing Daisy Bell while molesting us with her pornographic gaze. Yep, that was The Dutch for you. They called her Doortje. Dunno why, but we weren't there to ask questions, ya know? We were just grunts, man. She tossed us the package with all the grace of a dying anus leech with little to no motor skills and an alcohol problem. Yeah, that's right around when it all went to hell. Disgruntled shock troops from the local Samaritans hotline bulldozed their way into the building, blew the outer guard of crackheads clean to hell.
LuxExNox: Caught us totally off-guard. McMan screamed and broke down in tears like a little five year old goth bitch being critiqued by Simon Cowell. Maybe it was the shock of the situation, maybe it was the fact these Samaritan bastards would make us Satan's bitch, I'll never know. Poor Two Shits tripped on his own schlong and ended up impaled on the business end of a douche. Tore me up to see the waste of human life, but this wasn't the time for mourning, son. I had fifteen loaded water pistols, assault rifle variants, all trained on my face. Shit was about to get real, bruv, no time to fuck around with that grieving shit, you know?
LuxExNox: Yeah, I stared their leader in the eyes. Isambard Fuckface McCreary Jr. III. He'd been on President Bastard's payroll ever since the Cunters were disbanded. Guessed this was it, ya know? Man had finally lost his shit and made a push for dictatorship. Even then I could see the fires of civil war tearing across the USA. Know what you're thinking: not even a tactical piss-vapour strike could get me out of this one. Yeah, I was about ready to swallow my cyanide pill there and then. That or chew my way through the floor like some god damn hyperactive gopher running on nothing but caffeine and AIDS. To this day I don't know why I did it, swear to God, I'm ashamed. I screamed "first!". Fuck. Out of nowhere, SHE came, bathed in golden light, half-angel, half-devil, and another half pure bitch. They called her The Ripper. But yeah, story for another day, you know, but suffice to say the OP totally ripped my story off. What a little bitch. Wee-woo.
HSOMFG: Shut the hell up.
Doortje: If anyone's interested in a nice shot of crack in their eyeballs; message me. I'll give you a fair price, since we're FML buddies and all.
KingDingALing: Well at least ol' Two Shits' didn't sell you out for a twinky and a coke...
UpsidedownKayak: Doortje, I don't know if I can afford a shot of crack in the eyeballs but I would love to snort some of that vaporized dogs shit while you stare at me with that pornographic gaze. You can just let me sample it, you know since we are FML buddies and all.
Doortje: I don't know Kayak, dog shit ain't cheap these days. But I'll be more than happy to stare at you with my pornographic gaze. It's magical, really. You won't know what's happening to you! Don't be scared by the fact that you'll feel like a squeezed purple chipmunk afterwards, that's normal. You'll come back for more, everyone always does.
KaySL: Oh fuck you, KingDingALing, fuck you right through your skull. That twinky'n'coke was like fucking lembas bread. Two years on and I haven't eaten shit. Committing high treason against Pres. Bastard was the best decision of my life.
McMan: KingDingAling, I wish I had the chance man, you read it I was a goner before I had the chance. Also those silky tutus and nipple clamps were damn near comfortable, don't even lie man.
KingDingALing: I wouldn't have given up so easily, Kay...*Shakes head* If I did then i would have asked for something better, say, a beer and some meth? If you're going to go out with shame, go out while be ashamed, high, and drunk so that the shameness can cancel out. It's perfect math calculations.
KingDingALing: McMan- I bet those disguises would have made Colonel Perdix hornier then a dog that took Viagra.
FailBear920: Teh fuck man!
TheKing82: Someone needs to channel those creative juices into a book, I know I'd buy it!
DocBastard: KaySL, I warned you about committing high treason against me. Your next offence will earn you 4 days in the hole with every1luvsboners.
Submitted by: Anonymous
January 31st, 2011
FYLDeep: That was funny, but they will probably mod you for busting out the fag word. I got modded for saying fag even when it was in the context of cigarettes. This comment might even get modded too. The mods don't seem to be able to stand the sight of fags.
[Comment promptly moderated]
FYLDeep: Modded for keeping it real yo.
[Comment promptly moderated]
FYLDeep: Modded for keeping it real yo.
Submitted by: Anonymous
December 4th, 2010
[Today, I was doing my grocery shopping, absent-mindedly wondering if my new diet was working. I got my answer when my panties fell down around my ankles. FML]
chazzlerazzle: Wow, this FML totally brings back memories. Well okay, it may seem disjointed and unrelated at first, but it clicks together at the end.
chazzlerazzle: So there I was, back in 'Nam, on a routine patrol about five kliks out from Hanoi. There's me riding shotgun, looking real constipated, sparkling in the sunlight and staring out across the war-torn fields like a god damn wannabe vampire straight out of a really crappy book saga. Little Jimmy was in the back, having his way with a pre-pubescent gopher. Yeah, Jimmy always was a little cracked in the head, but God bless him, he saved my life when I accidentally walked into that Klan meeting wearing nothing but a fuck me dress and a makeshift thong made from an elastic band. But I digress.
chazzlerazzle: We were rolling on back to base when it happened. An IED blew our nuts off, and it all went downhill from there. Say what you like about the Viet Cong, but they sure knew how to lay a good ambush. Thankfully, the sheer amount of light reflecting off my bare sparkling chest blinded them and we took a good few of 'em out before their air support rained chloroform-soaked panties down on our feminine forms. Well, what are you gonna do against that? Little Jimmy didn't stand a chance. Screamed "WIIIIIII!" like a man possessed and inhaled enough chloroform to kill an ox. Yeah, we were never quite the same after that. Quit the army and took to posting "WI" on first posts across the internet in honour of Lil' Jim, God rest his soul. Wee-woo.
krushr: Same thing happened to me. Weird.
Brave_Sir_Robin: tl;dr, but I think I get what you're telling us.
Brave_Sir_Robin: We need to build a space helicopter...
saleha97: i didn't undestand a shit.
FMLephant: A shit? They're pretty simple.
Feverrotes: This has to be the longest no.1 comment I've seen ever on FML. Props to chazzlerazzle. It's no easy feat to pull this off before some random attention whore comes in to post meaningless one liners just to get no.1
ak7477: next time eat more grapes it will help to ward off the aids you inevitably got from touching Jimmy after his steamy gopher sex.
ImaginaryFoe: And this has been Wee-Woo: Tales of the First Wasters. When does the book come out? Can't wait to read it.
chazzlerazzle: Wow, this FML totally brings back memories. Well okay, it may seem disjointed and unrelated at first, but it clicks together at the end.
chazzlerazzle: So there I was, back in 'Nam, on a routine patrol about five kliks out from Hanoi. There's me riding shotgun, looking real constipated, sparkling in the sunlight and staring out across the war-torn fields like a god damn wannabe vampire straight out of a really crappy book saga. Little Jimmy was in the back, having his way with a pre-pubescent gopher. Yeah, Jimmy always was a little cracked in the head, but God bless him, he saved my life when I accidentally walked into that Klan meeting wearing nothing but a fuck me dress and a makeshift thong made from an elastic band. But I digress.
chazzlerazzle: We were rolling on back to base when it happened. An IED blew our nuts off, and it all went downhill from there. Say what you like about the Viet Cong, but they sure knew how to lay a good ambush. Thankfully, the sheer amount of light reflecting off my bare sparkling chest blinded them and we took a good few of 'em out before their air support rained chloroform-soaked panties down on our feminine forms. Well, what are you gonna do against that? Little Jimmy didn't stand a chance. Screamed "WIIIIIII!" like a man possessed and inhaled enough chloroform to kill an ox. Yeah, we were never quite the same after that. Quit the army and took to posting "WI" on first posts across the internet in honour of Lil' Jim, God rest his soul. Wee-woo.
krushr: Same thing happened to me. Weird.
Brave_Sir_Robin: tl;dr, but I think I get what you're telling us.
Brave_Sir_Robin: We need to build a space helicopter...
saleha97: i didn't undestand a shit.
FMLephant: A shit? They're pretty simple.
Feverrotes: This has to be the longest no.1 comment I've seen ever on FML. Props to chazzlerazzle. It's no easy feat to pull this off before some random attention whore comes in to post meaningless one liners just to get no.1
ak7477: next time eat more grapes it will help to ward off the aids you inevitably got from touching Jimmy after his steamy gopher sex.
ImaginaryFoe: And this has been Wee-Woo: Tales of the First Wasters. When does the book come out? Can't wait to read it.
Submitted by: Anonymous
January 27th, 2011
[Today, an attractive guy asked me to get coffee with him. My response was, "I don't drink coffee." I just turned down the first guy that's asked me out in 3 months. FML]
mpsteve137: Why not just say how about we make it a movie date? And people of FML, what does OP stand for?
perdix: The OP stands for a radical anti-caffeine agenda. It's an unholy alliance of Mormons and the corporate lackeys for Big Cocoa.
mpsteve137: Why not just say how about we make it a movie date? And people of FML, what does OP stand for?
perdix: The OP stands for a radical anti-caffeine agenda. It's an unholy alliance of Mormons and the corporate lackeys for Big Cocoa.
Submitted by: Anonymous
August 10th, 2012
shaggan: I no a dumb ass that got his retainer stuck in his throat he ask me for weed he thoght I'd show simpathy. Fuck that sry about your fishy bone dude at least you can now say you've Bine boned dogg. Lm mother Fao
thats_my_job: You might be high if...
kandi_kid69: What?
twistedlovex: Dude you're so fucking high right now.
DocBastard: I apologise for the tardiness, but I just got my Idiot-English Translation Engine back from being repaired. It couldn't handle all the idiot stoners in the recent FMLs. Anyway, without further ado. *click* *bzz* *whirrr* *DING*
DocBastard: "I know a dumbass who got his retainer stuck in his throat. He asked me for marijuana since he thought I'd show sympathy. Fuck that! Sorry about your fish bone, dude. At least now you can say you've been boned! I'm laughing my motherfucking ass off because I'm so goddamned stoned! And also because I'm...mmmm...Cheetos..."
DocBastard: You're welcome.
thats_my_job: You might be high if...
kandi_kid69: What?
twistedlovex: Dude you're so fucking high right now.
DocBastard: I apologise for the tardiness, but I just got my Idiot-English Translation Engine back from being repaired. It couldn't handle all the idiot stoners in the recent FMLs. Anyway, without further ado. *click* *bzz* *whirrr* *DING*
DocBastard: "I know a dumbass who got his retainer stuck in his throat. He asked me for marijuana since he thought I'd show sympathy. Fuck that! Sorry about your fish bone, dude. At least now you can say you've been boned! I'm laughing my motherfucking ass off because I'm so goddamned stoned! And also because I'm...mmmm...Cheetos..."
DocBastard: You're welcome.
Submitted by: Anonymous
April 18th, 2012
[Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML]
DomAce: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
flutter4: What happens with your gay roommate stays with your gay roommate
perdix: wrong preposition. What happens IN your gay roommate stays IN your gay roommate. YWIA.
marmlr339: It was Illinois ...
perdix: no, it was in one of their assholes. Maybe both.
DomAce: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
flutter4: What happens with your gay roommate stays with your gay roommate
perdix: wrong preposition. What happens IN your gay roommate stays IN your gay roommate. YWIA.
marmlr339: It was Illinois ...
perdix: no, it was in one of their assholes. Maybe both.
Submitted by: Anonymous
April 17th, 2013
[Today, I was involved in a 5-way conversation about the movie Inception. I nodded and agreed with things that were said, but couldn't admit that despite having seen it 4 times, I still haven't the foggiest idea of how to explain what it's about. FML]
Terrible_Poet: Dreams within dreams,
Confusion no doubt,
I went to go see it,
The day it came out,
Little did I know,
I'd be lost in confusion,
This movie is all,
One big illusion,
So don't feel alone,
In your thoughts of shame,
For many of us out there,
Do feel the same.
greenie123: I wish I could be a poet,
But I can't rhyme.
This is my attempt.
Godammit it sucks.
TBelle4Ever: Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator
Baustigt: Being a poet is not forcing words with too many syllables to rhyme. Ugh. Oh, sorry. I broke the chain.
Baustigt: To untrained eyes that do not see
And hapless fools who cannot read,
Those words in cyberspace may be
Impressive tokens, I concede.
But to the vigilant and wise,
Who give their lives to poetry,
This shit is trying on the eyes.
Your lack of metre angers me.
Baustigt: There. Excuse me while I eat some children.
Terrible_Poet: Dreams within dreams,
Confusion no doubt,
I went to go see it,
The day it came out,
Little did I know,
I'd be lost in confusion,
This movie is all,
One big illusion,
So don't feel alone,
In your thoughts of shame,
For many of us out there,
Do feel the same.
greenie123: I wish I could be a poet,
But I can't rhyme.
This is my attempt.
Godammit it sucks.
TBelle4Ever: Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator
Baustigt: Being a poet is not forcing words with too many syllables to rhyme. Ugh. Oh, sorry. I broke the chain.
Baustigt: To untrained eyes that do not see
And hapless fools who cannot read,
Those words in cyberspace may be
Impressive tokens, I concede.
But to the vigilant and wise,
Who give their lives to poetry,
This shit is trying on the eyes.
Your lack of metre angers me.
Baustigt: There. Excuse me while I eat some children.
Submitted by: Anonymous
October 6th, 2012
[Today, after almost four years of having avoided her due to her hatred of my husband, my mother invited us both to a family dinner. My husband wanted to give her another chance, so we went. Less than an hour after arriving, I caught her hocking a loogie and spitting it into our food. FML]
Aeroxx1337: Well obviously your response is to spit in hers. Or put hot sauce in it, that works too.
hunterluv1: An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. What is spitting in her food going to accomplish? If she finds out, it'll only make her more mad.
ClassyCommando: An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind if the last two people have an eye each and they gouge each other's eyes out simultaneously. Barring that, there'll be one badass left with a good eye and 7 billion blind people to exploit. Strive to be that badass.
Aeroxx1337: Well obviously your response is to spit in hers. Or put hot sauce in it, that works too.
hunterluv1: An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. What is spitting in her food going to accomplish? If she finds out, it'll only make her more mad.
ClassyCommando: An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind if the last two people have an eye each and they gouge each other's eyes out simultaneously. Barring that, there'll be one badass left with a good eye and 7 billion blind people to exploit. Strive to be that badass.
Submitted by: Anonymous
December 2nd, 2012
[Today, at a gynecologist's appointment, I was privileged to have 7 co-ed nursing students stare at my vagina for 25 minutes as part of their training. At one point the doctor apologized for having to "open me up more than usual", but said she wanted everyone to get a good view. FML]
perdix: And the doctor said, "My, you've got an enormous vagina. My, you've got an enormous vagina."
perdix: The OP said, "You didn't have to say it twice."
perdix: And the doctor said, "I didn't."
perdix: And the doctor said, "My, you've got an enormous vagina. My, you've got an enormous vagina."
perdix: The OP said, "You didn't have to say it twice."
perdix: And the doctor said, "I didn't."
Submitted by: Anonymous
August 16th, 2011
[Today, while shopping for a birthday present for my size 0 friend, I picked out a pair of pants for her. When paying, the cashier looked me up and down and said, "Well, you're pretty optimistic aren't you?" FML]
EvilUndead: Correct response: "shut up and do your job, it's a present".
olpally: Correct response to this would be "and I'm pretty optimistic you're being a fucking jackass right now" :) what a bitch for a cashier.
obviousboy: Correct response: this is a gift for a friend, and I'm quite comfortable in my own skin, thank you. Unless you aren't, then you should get on that. :P
HowieDoIt: So far we have 3 "correct responses." Which one is actually right?
lolle_p0p: OH GODDD HOW DO WE CHOOSE?? HOWWWW
lolle_p0p: If only we could shout ALL THREE OF THEM at the SAME TIME so that it comes out as a weird jumble of loud letters. Cashier won't know what hit them! Might even fear for his/her own life. Fuck yes.
EvilUndead: Correct response: "shut up and do your job, it's a present".
olpally: Correct response to this would be "and I'm pretty optimistic you're being a fucking jackass right now" :) what a bitch for a cashier.
obviousboy: Correct response: this is a gift for a friend, and I'm quite comfortable in my own skin, thank you. Unless you aren't, then you should get on that. :P
HowieDoIt: So far we have 3 "correct responses." Which one is actually right?
lolle_p0p: OH GODDD HOW DO WE CHOOSE?? HOWWWW
lolle_p0p: If only we could shout ALL THREE OF THEM at the SAME TIME so that it comes out as a weird jumble of loud letters. Cashier won't know what hit them! Might even fear for his/her own life. Fuck yes.
Submitted by: Anonymous
April 4th, 2013
[Today, I was stuck in a room with a man who was catching flies. That I could cope with, until he insisted on turning the lights out because it was 'stressing out' his flies. FML]
xrainbowshadowz: And why exactly were you stuck in a room with a guy like that?
greg84: That is exactly what I want to know, how the hell do you get in a situation like that?
HomeAl0ne: A little bit of back story will help.
HomeAl0ne: OP was at her gynecologist, undergoing an examination. An obscure Australian law states that all such examinations must take in a room with at least one window open (to allow escape in event of a bush fire). Attracted by the smell, several large blowflies had entered the room through the window (there was a flyscreen over window, but it had been badly damaged by a ringtail possum the night before). A sub-clause in that little-known law requires the gynecologist to promptly capture any flies that come in through the open window.
HomeAl0ne: I've got no idea why he wanted the lights off though - that's just weird.
xrainbowshadowz: And why exactly were you stuck in a room with a guy like that?
greg84: That is exactly what I want to know, how the hell do you get in a situation like that?
HomeAl0ne: A little bit of back story will help.
HomeAl0ne: OP was at her gynecologist, undergoing an examination. An obscure Australian law states that all such examinations must take in a room with at least one window open (to allow escape in event of a bush fire). Attracted by the smell, several large blowflies had entered the room through the window (there was a flyscreen over window, but it had been badly damaged by a ringtail possum the night before). A sub-clause in that little-known law requires the gynecologist to promptly capture any flies that come in through the open window.
HomeAl0ne: I've got no idea why he wanted the lights off though - that's just weird.
Submitted by: Anonymous
August 23rd, 2011
[Today, I had to explain to my one person on my staff why having kids aged 6 to 9 hammering in screws with the butt end of a screwdriver is neither safe, nor a good idea. FML]
DocBastard: I think I sawzall this on the news before, and I think you hit the nail on the head. The kids miter injure themselves on your site, and then you're screwed. Talk to awl your employees on the level, and hammer the "safety" point home. Don't implyer that they are to blame, and let them axe questions. Be fair and square, bury the hatchet, and everything will be fine.
DocBastard: I think I sawzall this on the news before, and I think you hit the nail on the head. The kids miter injure themselves on your site, and then you're screwed. Talk to awl your employees on the level, and hammer the "safety" point home. Don't implyer that they are to blame, and let them axe questions. Be fair and square, bury the hatchet, and everything will be fine.
Submitted by: james_lee_dakota
March 3rd, 2011
[Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML]
PoshLife_Cross: Actually, your dad nailed it. Onions trap the spirits inside of them, and each layer of the onion is a different layer of Hell. Why do you think we cry when we cut them? We're feeling the pain of the tormented souls, eternally damned.
PoshLife_Cross: Actually, your dad nailed it. Onions trap the spirits inside of them, and each layer of the onion is a different layer of Hell. Why do you think we cry when we cut them? We're feeling the pain of the tormented souls, eternally damned.
Submitted by: Anonymous
November 18th, 2012
[Today, I went to my "not so technologically advanced" grandma's house to help her out with her computer. It appears she has very interesting conversations with the man who lives in the apartment above her. FML]
caseislol: looks like someone (puts on sunglasses) needs some mindsoap.
Doortje: Looks like someone needs to get a pair of sunglasses shoved up his/her throat.
knypny: usually things are shoved down the throat or up the ass. but never up the throat or down the ass
andruha1123: shit is usually shoved down the ass...
KingDingALing: Look, you guys, don't make me go back to shoving sticks up your asses again. I won't hesitate to do it either.
Doortje: Oops, you're right. Oh well, the desire to shove a pair of sunglasses up/down whatever body part is still there.
wisericky: turn the person upside down, then do the shoving.
KingDingALing: Sunglasses just aren't the same, Doortje... :(
SirHobnobs: We should all take a step back here to reflect on the consequences of those actions. And then we can decide with clear minds whether we need to shove the glasses 'up/down this person's rectum'
caseislol: looks like someone (puts on sunglasses) needs some mindsoap.
Doortje: Looks like someone needs to get a pair of sunglasses shoved up his/her throat.
knypny: usually things are shoved down the throat or up the ass. but never up the throat or down the ass
andruha1123: shit is usually shoved down the ass...
KingDingALing: Look, you guys, don't make me go back to shoving sticks up your asses again. I won't hesitate to do it either.
Doortje: Oops, you're right. Oh well, the desire to shove a pair of sunglasses up/down whatever body part is still there.
wisericky: turn the person upside down, then do the shoving.
KingDingALing: Sunglasses just aren't the same, Doortje... :(
SirHobnobs: We should all take a step back here to reflect on the consequences of those actions. And then we can decide with clear minds whether we need to shove the glasses 'up/down this person's rectum'
Submitted by: Anonymous
February 21st, 2011
[Today, I hit a deer with a rental car... which I had to rent because I hit a deer with my car last week. FML]
keegs666: Oh deer!
chippa: Doe! You beat me to it. :(
FYLDeep: Son of a buck, I hate it when that happens.
chippa: Haha. I am rather fawn of these puns. :)
xStarKillerx: I hope you weren't driving in the reindeer.
keegs666: Oh deer!
chippa: Doe! You beat me to it. :(
FYLDeep: Son of a buck, I hate it when that happens.
chippa: Haha. I am rather fawn of these puns. :)
xStarKillerx: I hope you weren't driving in the reindeer.
Submitted by: Doortje
January 16th, 2011
[Today, I went to my dad and new stepmom's house for the week. Upon arrival, I was handed mouthwash, deodorant, and lice shampoo. The guest bed I was told I'd be sleeping in was fitted with a plastic mattress cover. I don't have lice and I don't wet the bed. FML]
DocBastard: You are inferring all wrong. They are clearly telling you that you have bad breath, you stink, and you're going to get lice from the last person who slept on that bed.
FYLDeep: Doc, I'm not used to you getting this so wrong. They obviously think he's a total slut and is gonna bang a bunch of people in that bed. You don't want jizz stains everywhere obviously. The lice shampoo is for his crabs and the mouthwash is for cleaning his mouth out when he's done going down on those blue-waffled bitches.
DocBastard: You are inferring all wrong. They are clearly telling you that you have bad breath, you stink, and you're going to get lice from the last person who slept on that bed.
FYLDeep: Doc, I'm not used to you getting this so wrong. They obviously think he's a total slut and is gonna bang a bunch of people in that bed. You don't want jizz stains everywhere obviously. The lice shampoo is for his crabs and the mouthwash is for cleaning his mouth out when he's done going down on those blue-waffled bitches.
Notes: Any other interpretations?
Submitted by: Anonymous
January 11th, 2011
hidingoutt7: i would scream to
Domonator: To whom would you scream? Please finish what you started -- the suspense is unbearable.
Domonator: To whom would you scream? Please finish what you started -- the suspense is unbearable.
Submitted by: Anonymous
December 3rd, 2010
[Today, I found my iPhone. Too bad it was when I was getting my clothes out of the washer. FML]
zmeilerr: Put it in rice for 3 days.
pendatik: After it's been in the rice for three days, boil it for twenty minutes, otherwise it'll be a bit chewy. Don't forget to add herbs.
zmeilerr: Put it in rice for 3 days.
pendatik: After it's been in the rice for three days, boil it for twenty minutes, otherwise it'll be a bit chewy. Don't forget to add herbs.
Submitted by: Anonymous
December 7th, 2010
fearthereaper79: Stop being a little bitch, I hope they fire you soon so you can stop your birching.
every1luvsboners: Birching is a corporal punishment with a birch rod, typically applied to the recipient's bare buttocks. How do you know that the OP is a bircher?
every1luvsboners: Birching is a corporal punishment with a birch rod, typically applied to the recipient's bare buttocks. How do you know that the OP is a bircher?
Notes: Yeah, don't assume.
Submitted by: WhatTheJunk
February 2nd, 2011
iamsolid: 100 years ago, they didn't have serious gangs, drugs, or major society problems. Times have changed and so has the way we treat our children. A spanking is fine, but when you to beat your child, its considered child abuse if injuries occur. My parents NEVER hit me and I still know exactly what I can and cannot do in public. I know my boundaries. So, you my friend, are shit.
Baustigt: Well I haven't seen that much gas come out of a solid since my chemistry teacher first showed us dry ice.
Baustigt: Well I haven't seen that much gas come out of a solid since my chemistry teacher first showed us dry ice.
Submitted by: Anonymous
July 19th, 2012
[Today, while sleeping, I heard an explosion. My neighbor then knocked on my door and informed me that he had just hit my car with shrapnel from a cannon. Not only do I not have a car to drive, but I also have to put this claim on my insurance due to my neighbor being on welfare. FML]
nonameheroes: I think I'd be more interested in calling the cops after he shot my car with a FUCKING CANON!! I mean seriously...who the fuck uses canons? I thought that shit died out after the civil war ended
TheNewGuy03: you might also be interested in: cannons.
Rusty325: depends what you mean by canon, most armies still use canons (30 cal. or 50 cal. etc.) but not the kind the tudors and georgians had on ships
allmidnighteyes: I use a Canon to shoot things with. I mount either a 24mm, 50mm, or an 85mm lens to it, and load it up with 35mm FujiPro or Kodak Portra before I shoot.
nonameheroes: I think I'd be more interested in calling the cops after he shot my car with a FUCKING CANON!! I mean seriously...who the fuck uses canons? I thought that shit died out after the civil war ended
TheNewGuy03: you might also be interested in: cannons.
Rusty325: depends what you mean by canon, most armies still use canons (30 cal. or 50 cal. etc.) but not the kind the tudors and georgians had on ships
allmidnighteyes: I use a Canon to shoot things with. I mount either a 24mm, 50mm, or an 85mm lens to it, and load it up with 35mm FujiPro or Kodak Portra before I shoot.
Submitted by: Anonymous
September 15th, 2012
[Today, I will be sleeping in my aunt and uncle's living room. It is 90 degrees. There is an air conditioner but if you turn it on, the raccoons living in the wall will get pissed off and try to claw through the wall. Only five more nights sweating my balls off or imagining racoons having angry sex. FML]
wisericky: Dont worry OP i am creating a new racoon repellent, as we speak. but i just cant get the spray to stay attached to the shotgun. Im going to capture some FML commenters and do beta testing.
ambowew: Look in the mirror, you've found the perfect target.
wisericky: ahh, ambowew you have been randomly selected out of everyone, congrats. Lets scan your intelligence... *scan noise* your intelligence seems to be that of a snail. We can work with that, great. So take this blindfold and put this apple on your head. Don't worry, there will be cake after the experiment.
mrosew442: DONT LISTEN TO HIM!!!!!! THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!!!
wisericky: Dont worry OP i am creating a new racoon repellent, as we speak. but i just cant get the spray to stay attached to the shotgun. Im going to capture some FML commenters and do beta testing.
ambowew: Look in the mirror, you've found the perfect target.
wisericky: ahh, ambowew you have been randomly selected out of everyone, congrats. Lets scan your intelligence... *scan noise* your intelligence seems to be that of a snail. We can work with that, great. So take this blindfold and put this apple on your head. Don't worry, there will be cake after the experiment.
mrosew442: DONT LISTEN TO HIM!!!!!! THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!!!
Submitted by: Anonymous
September 18th, 2011
[Today, my husband admitted to me that he has a mental block about touching my boobs, because he's afraid that breast milk is going to spurt out at him. I had my son 5 months ago and I don't breast feed. FML]
Anonnamus: Tell him you have a mental block against him touching your vagina, because the last time he did, a nine pound person shot out if it.
Anonnamus: Tell him you have a mental block against him touching your vagina, because the last time he did, a nine pound person shot out if it.
Submitted by: Luna
February 5th, 2011
[Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML]
abouttofly: I can't stand all the people here loving the analogy. Please consider how insensitive it must be to people who have been raped.
lightburns: I have no time for people who use the idiom "I can't stand". Please consider how insensitive it must be to people who are wheelchair-bound.
abouttofly: I can't stand all the people here loving the analogy. Please consider how insensitive it must be to people who have been raped.
lightburns: I have no time for people who use the idiom "I can't stand". Please consider how insensitive it must be to people who are wheelchair-bound.
Submitted by: Anonymous
August 27th, 2011
[Today, a highly intoxicated man came into my workplace and complained that the medicine that I'd prescribed for his dog almost choked him. I work at Blockbuster. FML]
MyNameIsInsomnia: All the blockbusters have been closing here :-(
NateDosa19: Same here
perdix: Some around here have been adding low-cost veterinary services to their business model in a desperate attempt to survive. My dog was scooting around on his butt, and the dude at the local Blockbuster sold me some Goobers for $2.50. The vet wanted $75 to fix the problem! I'll let you know how that turns out.
MyNameIsInsomnia: All the blockbusters have been closing here :-(
NateDosa19: Same here
perdix: Some around here have been adding low-cost veterinary services to their business model in a desperate attempt to survive. My dog was scooting around on his butt, and the dude at the local Blockbuster sold me some Goobers for $2.50. The vet wanted $75 to fix the problem! I'll let you know how that turns out.
Submitted by: Anonymous
October 11th, 2011
daybowbow: What's impressive about fighting with someone on Facebook...?
OWNZ: NOTHING is more manly than having an argument with your imaginary friend! :D
wisericky: dude, this one time my imaginary friend was talken shit about my momma, so i had to beat the shit out of him. He got some good shots on me and stuff, threw me down a flight of stairs. But you should see him, hes way more fucked up.
DocBastard: Cool story, bro. Lay off the crack, man. Seriously. I'm worried about you.
OWNZ: NOTHING is more manly than having an argument with your imaginary friend! :D
wisericky: dude, this one time my imaginary friend was talken shit about my momma, so i had to beat the shit out of him. He got some good shots on me and stuff, threw me down a flight of stairs. But you should see him, hes way more fucked up.
DocBastard: Cool story, bro. Lay off the crack, man. Seriously. I'm worried about you.
Submitted by: Anonymous
July 11th, 2011
[Today, I was practising the violin in my apartment. A man knocks on the door and introduces himself with a smile, says he wants to know my "schedule." I reply, "I'm pretty busy but maybe we could get a drink sometime." To which he retorts, "No, I just want to know when you'll stop." FML]
ReequelNinja: How old are you? You can't spell practicing right? Wow. I mean we all make mistakes but spelling THAT wrong? Wow lol
johnnydudeman: Many European countries have words with different letters. Like armor, one country spells it armour.
mercyFML: and pancake and cakepan
TheIrishJaneDoe: And American and anus :o
ReequelNinja: How old are you? You can't spell practicing right? Wow. I mean we all make mistakes but spelling THAT wrong? Wow lol
johnnydudeman: Many European countries have words with different letters. Like armor, one country spells it armour.
mercyFML: and pancake and cakepan
TheIrishJaneDoe: And American and anus :o
Notes: And tomato and tomato. Wait...
Submitted by: DocBastard
February 18th, 2011
locura1991: Canadians... Smh
Judus_beej: smh = super monkey horn? how did you know all of us canadiens have one? now that you know we are the super power of the world due to the fact that we can hail the super monkeys at any given time and canadiens are the only ones who can use them so don't even bother trying to steal them.
Judus_beej: china, russia, the states? missiles? fuck that we have the super monkey horns!
Judus_beej: smh = super monkey horn? how did you know all of us canadiens have one? now that you know we are the super power of the world due to the fact that we can hail the super monkeys at any given time and canadiens are the only ones who can use them so don't even bother trying to steal them.
Judus_beej: china, russia, the states? missiles? fuck that we have the super monkey horns!
Submitted by: Anonymous
December 18th, 2010
[Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML]
Palirose: You think that's bad? I have to sleep under 6 fleece blankets to get warm
pendatik: You think that's bad? I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah! And you try and tell the young people of today that ..... they won't believe you.
Palirose: You think that's bad? I have to sleep under 6 fleece blankets to get warm
pendatik: You think that's bad? I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah! And you try and tell the young people of today that ..... they won't believe you.
Notes: God damn one-uppers.
Submitted by: Anonymous
November 11th, 2011
[Today, in an attempt to get some guidance from my college advisor, I emailed her, saying I was contemplating going to another school because I felt so helpless about my GPA, and was sure I wouldn't get my major. I asked for advice on raising it. She gave me instructions on how to drop out. FML]
DocBastard: Don't listen to her, and don't scream and Yale. Be as strong as an Ox,ford the stream, but don't go jumping off a Cambridge. You can be as rich as a a Duke or as famous as a Princeton, but getting good grades isn't that Harvard. Just study hard and eat a good meal, something like Brown Rice with Cornell.
DocBastard: Don't listen to her, and don't scream and Yale. Be as strong as an Ox,ford the stream, but don't go jumping off a Cambridge. You can be as rich as a a Duke or as famous as a Princeton, but getting good grades isn't that Harvard. Just study hard and eat a good meal, something like Brown Rice with Cornell.
Submitted by: Anonymous
February 22nd, 2011
jillianmathers12: Don't you just hate that FML's start with today! It makes this one sound retarted!
Sirin: "Retarted", eh?
jillianmathers12: Yeah???? What's do bad about it?
RaenaMae: . . Sirin was pointing out that you spelt Retarded wrong. Lol
jillianmathers12: Oh I didn't even notice and I don't know why I spelt it that way I know how to spell it and I have auto correct!
haw008: If your phone didn't autocorrect "retarted" then it just hasn't recognized your name yet.
Sirin: "Retarted", eh?
jillianmathers12: Yeah???? What's do bad about it?
RaenaMae: . . Sirin was pointing out that you spelt Retarded wrong. Lol
jillianmathers12: Oh I didn't even notice and I don't know why I spelt it that way I know how to spell it and I have auto correct!
haw008: If your phone didn't autocorrect "retarted" then it just hasn't recognized your name yet.
Submitted by: Anonymous
January 29th, 2012
[Today, I had to announce to the whole house that I was going the bathroom, because the lock on the door is broken. Before I had the chance to wipe, my dad loudly burst through the door, stark bollock naked, to take a shower. FML]
sdrawkcabemkcuF: totes happend to me be4 exept it was muy boyfriend lol but we blowied in the shower afta for dayz ;) haha im stupid xD
bobbymullet: just curious, why can't you spell things right?
taylornicole97: I had to read this 3 times before I actually understood what you were trying to say. jusstt sayiin.
TardxxxCake: at least she admitted to her stupidity... -shrugs-
inkredible: Well, I agree with her last few words...
socialdisease: Holy crap I just realized what her username really means.....
je_suis: What?!?! Translator please...
[Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML]
sdrawkcabemkcuF: wow wat a dumb cant lol id punch his head rite off his legs!!
Mipz: You've proven yourself dumber than him.
Kayzee01: ... wait, what?
ryanst: sdrawkcabemkcuF's parents must have bad English genes..
reallytho3: Wuts a dumb cant? Lol
iEatGuppies: since when are heads on our legs? do you mean cunt, cause I have no idea wtf a cant is.
iEatGuppies: "you are so dumb! you are really dumb, forreal!" -Antoine Dodson
je_suis: Why are all her posts incomprehensible with a dire need of a translator?
Justforlolz: I've read this guys last three comments... I weep for mankind.
fauxyhaha: Last time I checked, heads weren't on legs, "cant"
[Today, in one fell swoop, my testicles and spirits were simultaneously crushed into submission by the girl I like. FML]
sdrawkcabemkcuF: omg lol id soooo fingering her if she did tht 2 me wata bitc h rofl!! xD
madskittlesftw: ... wut?
genesisnirvana: What the hell are you saying?
Captain0bv10us: Excuse me for a minute, I have lost all faith in humanity
HeyLookJesus: Rough translation, *clears throat* "Omg lol, Id SOOO finger if she did that to me! What a bitch, rofl xD!" Ta-da! now we can all understand what a complete idiot this commenter is :D
Kayzee01: your grammar makes my head itch...
ximeldax: english.. do you speak it?
missyj0: He no speakeh deh engrish.
gayboii: congrats on not getting banned yet dude... i give you another couple hours
x_KL_x: I weep for the future.
Brool_Story_Co: she has commented on the last three FML's. All three of these comments make me want to stab my eyes out. Seriously, i'm sure everyone will agree, please stop commenting like this.
sdrawkcabemkcuF: totes happend to me be4 exept it was muy boyfriend lol but we blowied in the shower afta for dayz ;) haha im stupid xD
bobbymullet: just curious, why can't you spell things right?
taylornicole97: I had to read this 3 times before I actually understood what you were trying to say. jusstt sayiin.
TardxxxCake: at least she admitted to her stupidity... -shrugs-
inkredible: Well, I agree with her last few words...
socialdisease: Holy crap I just realized what her username really means.....
je_suis: What?!?! Translator please...
[Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML]
sdrawkcabemkcuF: wow wat a dumb cant lol id punch his head rite off his legs!!
Mipz: You've proven yourself dumber than him.
Kayzee01: ... wait, what?
ryanst: sdrawkcabemkcuF's parents must have bad English genes..
reallytho3: Wuts a dumb cant? Lol
iEatGuppies: since when are heads on our legs? do you mean cunt, cause I have no idea wtf a cant is.
iEatGuppies: "you are so dumb! you are really dumb, forreal!" -Antoine Dodson
je_suis: Why are all her posts incomprehensible with a dire need of a translator?
Justforlolz: I've read this guys last three comments... I weep for mankind.
fauxyhaha: Last time I checked, heads weren't on legs, "cant"
[Today, in one fell swoop, my testicles and spirits were simultaneously crushed into submission by the girl I like. FML]
sdrawkcabemkcuF: omg lol id soooo fingering her if she did tht 2 me wata bitc h rofl!! xD
madskittlesftw: ... wut?
genesisnirvana: What the hell are you saying?
Captain0bv10us: Excuse me for a minute, I have lost all faith in humanity
HeyLookJesus: Rough translation, *clears throat* "Omg lol, Id SOOO finger if she did that to me! What a bitch, rofl xD!" Ta-da! now we can all understand what a complete idiot this commenter is :D
Kayzee01: your grammar makes my head itch...
ximeldax: english.. do you speak it?
missyj0: He no speakeh deh engrish.
gayboii: congrats on not getting banned yet dude... i give you another couple hours
x_KL_x: I weep for the future.
Brool_Story_Co: she has commented on the last three FML's. All three of these comments make me want to stab my eyes out. Seriously, i'm sure everyone will agree, please stop commenting like this.
Notes: Humanity is fucked...
Submitted by: Anonymous
August 7th, 2011
#189
Vie de Merde
(↑7,
↓3)
(↑7,
↓3)
[Today, because I'm apparently not generous enough in the bedroom, my boyfriend has enforced a blowjob quota. VDM]
farewelly: Is it the going rate, at least?
MissAdolphine: set him an anilingus quota, you know, sort of like a currency exchange
Mwoab: The transactions are made exclusively via liquid assets.
Urok: And there's no inflation involved.
farewelly: Is it the going rate, at least?
MissAdolphine: set him an anilingus quota, you know, sort of like a currency exchange
Mwoab: The transactions are made exclusively via liquid assets.
Urok: And there's no inflation involved.
Submitted by: Sirin
January 21st, 2011
[Today, I woke up exhausted because a croaking frog had kept me awake the night before. This has happened every night for the past week, and no matter how far away I take the frog, it always ends up sitting in the same place the next morning. FML]
perdix: Does he say, "Bud," "Weis," or "Er?"
perdix: Apparently, you are too much of a pussy to kill the damn thing yourself, so it's useless to repeat the obvious solution. Since you like taking the thing out, here's what you do. Take the frog to a fancy french restaurant. After you've eaten and before the check comes, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and sneak out the window. Because the frog doesn't have canadian money (only greenbacks, haha!), the restaurant will make him pay an arm and a leg and a leg (yeah, everything's more expensive in Canada) and cut their losses by serving the cuisses de grenouille. YWIA.
perdix: Does he say, "Bud," "Weis," or "Er?"
perdix: Apparently, you are too much of a pussy to kill the damn thing yourself, so it's useless to repeat the obvious solution. Since you like taking the thing out, here's what you do. Take the frog to a fancy french restaurant. After you've eaten and before the check comes, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and sneak out the window. Because the frog doesn't have canadian money (only greenbacks, haha!), the restaurant will make him pay an arm and a leg and a leg (yeah, everything's more expensive in Canada) and cut their losses by serving the cuisses de grenouille. YWIA.
Submitted by: KaySL
August 17th, 2011
indigo1: I don't believe this fml
every1luvsboners: Because we give a shit if you believe it or not. STFU and post a comment other that that. You're proof that a one night stand with a drunken wilder-beast will haunt me forever.
every1luvsboners: Because we give a shit if you believe it or not. STFU and post a comment other that that. You're proof that a one night stand with a drunken wilder-beast will haunt me forever.
Notes: Well I did warn you, but did you listen? Noooo.
Submitted by: KaySL
February 22nd, 2011
[Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. He calls it "bloody victory." FML]
iJustLol: a sub teacher told my class that he likes to do this because it makes him feel like he is "a unicorn stabbing an orphan". yeah he was never seen around our school again after that....freak.
iJustLol: a sub teacher told my class that he likes to do this because it makes him feel like he is "a unicorn stabbing an orphan". yeah he was never seen around our school again after that....freak.
Submitted by: Anonymous
December 11th, 2010
[Today, my boyfriend admitted that on his last visit, he snuck into the laundry and stole a lacy black thong he assumed was mine. It wasn't. It was my dad's. FML]
PurpleFrostingg: .....I have nothing to say to this...
perdix: And yet you made me scroll a little bit further than I should have to because you had to announce that. There are thousands, maybe millions, of people who have nothing to add to a story. You know what they do? Not comment! If you feel the need to express yourself, but don't have anything to say, please cut-and-paste these sure-fire "wins!"
perdix: That sucks.
perdix: YDI for being a whore!
perdix: Make me a sammich.
perdix: Aw, I'm sorry.
perdix: ______(your text here)____ plumpa humpa ______(your text here)_____
perdix: ______(your text here)____ blumpkin ______(your text here)_____
perdix: Save this pre-fab comment kit as a text file on your desktop and use it as needed.
PurpleFrostingg: .....I have nothing to say to this...
perdix: And yet you made me scroll a little bit further than I should have to because you had to announce that. There are thousands, maybe millions, of people who have nothing to add to a story. You know what they do? Not comment! If you feel the need to express yourself, but don't have anything to say, please cut-and-paste these sure-fire "wins!"
perdix: That sucks.
perdix: YDI for being a whore!
perdix: Make me a sammich.
perdix: Aw, I'm sorry.
perdix: ______(your text here)____ plumpa humpa ______(your text here)_____
perdix: ______(your text here)____ blumpkin ______(your text here)_____
perdix: Save this pre-fab comment kit as a text file on your desktop and use it as needed.
Submitted by: Anonymous
August 6th, 2011
plebeianFelix: today irealized...my ass to the world. you should apply for kudos your life
Miss_Michaela: Once again, a comment I've read several times but I can't figure out what they're trying to say.
DocBastard: "Ours is not to reason why. Ours is to laugh at the illiterate morons." - Alfred Lord Tennyson
DocBastard: I may be paraphrasing slightly.
Miss_Michaela: Once again, a comment I've read several times but I can't figure out what they're trying to say.
DocBastard: "Ours is not to reason why. Ours is to laugh at the illiterate morons." - Alfred Lord Tennyson
DocBastard: I may be paraphrasing slightly.
Submitted by: Anonymous
May 2nd, 2011
[Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML]
gayboii: why are people saying ydi ... how can you possibly deserve that??? lmao
wowzersselainee: that's exactly what I was thinking
ChibiGirl5: she deserves it cause she doesn't shave lol
every1luvsboners: Gayboii, since you like hair so much, do you tape hair to the markers and pens before you give them the bj?
gayboii: will you just get over that fs
dunner12: what's up with gayboii and blowing markers? someone enlighten me
gayboii: hes talking bout tha FML i made on saturday
jess6blondie9: Big mistake telling everyone that was yours.
cfalen: he can put up another fml here I'll help, "today I was being made fun of because I said I made an fml involving me and a pen going at it"
ryanst: gayboii.. this is the Internet. People are much less afraid to say mean things so if your going to be sensitive about everything people say, get off of it.
gayboii: why are people saying ydi ... how can you possibly deserve that??? lmao
wowzersselainee: that's exactly what I was thinking
ChibiGirl5: she deserves it cause she doesn't shave lol
every1luvsboners: Gayboii, since you like hair so much, do you tape hair to the markers and pens before you give them the bj?
gayboii: will you just get over that fs
dunner12: what's up with gayboii and blowing markers? someone enlighten me
gayboii: hes talking bout tha FML i made on saturday
jess6blondie9: Big mistake telling everyone that was yours.
cfalen: he can put up another fml here I'll help, "today I was being made fun of because I said I made an fml involving me and a pen going at it"
ryanst: gayboii.. this is the Internet. People are much less afraid to say mean things so if your going to be sensitive about everything people say, get off of it.
Notes: Everyone's a tough guy on the Internet!
Submitted by: Anonymous
March 22nd, 2011
perdix: Don't worry. Pretty soon, the army of losers will wake up and pathetically offer to be your friend. The cell companies ought to provide robot texters to make lonely users feel wanted and accepted while simultaneously running up their bill. How hard can it be to write a program they sends you a daily "Wassup? Lol, Omg. WTF?"
NoorFML: They did! It's called Cleverbot. Lol
perdix: Srsly? Lol, omg, wtf? Wassup?
perdix: **** Stack overflow error: Restart required ******
NoorFML: They did! It's called Cleverbot. Lol
perdix: Srsly? Lol, omg, wtf? Wassup?
perdix: **** Stack overflow error: Restart required ******
Submitted by: Anonymous
March 31st, 2012
ljcarranza: haha damn u shud put it iin her ass and say. "is it to small now??" haha Jst a thouht
Sirin: You should probably take some English classes or something. My eyes haven't burned like this since I walked in on Perdix doing his P90Xs in the nude.
perdix: Sirin, To be fair, that wasn't P90X, that was just vigorous masturbating. You wouldn't have gotten hit in the eye if you watched from the gallery set up for all of the registered FML stalker chicks.
Sirin: You should probably take some English classes or something. My eyes haven't burned like this since I walked in on Perdix doing his P90Xs in the nude.
perdix: Sirin, To be fair, that wasn't P90X, that was just vigorous masturbating. You wouldn't have gotten hit in the eye if you watched from the gallery set up for all of the registered FML stalker chicks.
Submitted by: Sirin
March 7th, 2012
Brave_Sir_Robin: All this talk of raises and money makes my towel wet, if you know what I mean...
FYLDeep: Just shake it vigorously and it should dry off.
Brave_Sir_Robin: That doesn't seem to work. The towel is becoming more rigid with each shake, if you catch my drift. I'm thinking of maybe throwing it into a warm place, if you know what I'm saying...
starile: WHAT KIND OF WEIRD-ASS TOWEL DO YOU HAVE??
Brave_Sir_Robin: The kind I wouldn't want to be without when I go hitch-hiking through the galaxy.
FYLDeep: Just shake it vigorously and it should dry off.
Brave_Sir_Robin: That doesn't seem to work. The towel is becoming more rigid with each shake, if you catch my drift. I'm thinking of maybe throwing it into a warm place, if you know what I'm saying...
starile: WHAT KIND OF WEIRD-ASS TOWEL DO YOU HAVE??
Brave_Sir_Robin: The kind I wouldn't want to be without when I go hitch-hiking through the galaxy.
Submitted by: Zaphod Beeblebrox
January 13th, 2011