FMyLife QDB: Page 1 of 12

#591 ^FMyLife

(↑3, ↓1)

[Today, I went to a local Indian takeaway, since I'm from India originally, and none of my friends speak Hindi. I went up to the counter and placed my order in Hindi with the seemingly Indian owner. He gave me a weird look and said, "Huh? Speak English, ya rimjob." FML]

Pleonasm: I guess he's Naan-Native of your Mother Land.
sirpantselot: In his defence, I'd say the odds had been more or lassi-n his favour.
Pleonasm: Well when you assume people are Native Indian like that at an Indian restaurant, you get what you deserve: Instant Korma.

#590 ^FMyLife

(↑4, ↓1)

[Today, I called my mother to tell her that I got engaged. In the 15 minute conversation that followed, 13 were spent listening to how this is going to affect her. FML]

ShawnBushOG: bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks
perdix: Thank you for impressing us with your prodigious cut-and-paste skills.
spaboolly: You deserve so much respect for being the straight up gangster that you are, bro. I know it's tough as shit being a 15 year old white kid in the suburbs, spending all your days in the high school weight room working on muscles you've never actually used so you can pretend you're badass enough to be a soldier when you grow up.

[Today, I was woken up by my drunk girlfriend calling me and saying how much she loves me. She then stopped to the tell guy she was in bed with to be quiet cause I might hear him. FML]

ShawnBushOG: bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks
Welshite: You posted the exact same comment on both FMLs. A little more creativity is recommended.
perdix: I called him out on that same point on the other story. It seems more appropriate here than on the other one.
rg350dx: Copying ain't shit but highlights and clicks.

#588 ^FMyLife

(↑10, ↓1)

[Today, I had a job interview at the local donut shop. It turns out I misunderstood the position, and that the job was actually to wear a donut costume and wave at cars outside the shop. I was told this after I got hired. FML]

wdunh69733: Hey, it's a job
DeidaraAkatsuki: "Hey, it's a job!" - Brothel owner
Ambient25: "Hey it's a job" - Brothel janitor
RedPillSucks: "Hey, it's a job" - Brothel breast examiner
PrincessPesa: "Hey, it's a job!" - Prostitute
Charmillionaire: "Hi, I'm a Job" - Steve Jobs
PrincessPesa: "I'm Job. " - Job
Wizardo: "I had a job!" - Goldman Sachs bankers
EVnIAS: "I got a hand job" - Random guy
EsperEatos: "It's a job." - Right hand
gc327072: "Hey, it's a job" - Child laborer
chaindog89: What jobs?- Obama
misspulkadot24: "What's a job?" - Paris Hilton

Notes: Good job, errbodeh.

#587 ^FMyLife

(↑4, ↓0)

[Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old daughter lying on her bed, repeatedly opening and closing her legs. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied, "Trying to queef. I saw it online." FML]

sneakypelican: Queefer Sutherland.
RaggleFrock: Queef Urban.
ilovedinosawers: Chief Queef
tsent8: Great barrier queef.
B_CeouL: Queef sandwich
Roskosity: Queef Ledger.
PrincessPesa: Queefer Madness
PrincessPesa: Queen LaQueefa.
PrincessPesa: Queef Sweat.
MyNameIsViet: Lucky four queef clover
finnrambo: queef carradine, queef richards, queef lockhart, queef van horne, queef... no I'm done

#586 ^{QDB IRC}

(↑6, ↓0)

Kd_lra: hey taylor, I haven't received your naked photos yet. I think they got lost in the mail, you should try to resend them.
Pleonasm: Postman couldn't resist
Welshite: How much did you rent the costume for, Nicolas?
Pleonasm: For a night with your mother
Kd_lra: so free
Pleonasm: it was an exchange
Pleonasm: she said she didn't wnat to roleplay as that anymore
Pleonasm: not since her husband was taking the postbox costume so seriously
Guest_LKjC: I like meta roleplay tbh
Guest_LKjC: like.... roleplaying a sperm fertilizing an egg, you get me
Welshite: so you wiggle along the ground?
Pleonasm: Conception
Pleonasm: We have to go deeper

#585 ^FMyLife

(↑3, ↓1)

[Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML]

DomAce: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
flutter4: What happens with your gay roommate stays with your gay roommate
perdix: wrong preposition. What happens IN your gay roommate stays IN your gay roommate. YWIA.
marmlr339: It was Illinois ...
perdix: no, it was in one of their assholes. Maybe both.

#584 ^FMyLife

(↑7, ↓1)

[Today, while shopping for a birthday present for my size 0 friend, I picked out a pair of pants for her. When paying, the cashier looked me up and down and said, "Well, you're pretty optimistic aren't you?" FML]

EvilUndead: Correct response: "shut up and do your job, it's a present".
olpally: Correct response to this would be "and I'm pretty optimistic you're being a fucking jackass right now" :) what a bitch for a cashier.
obviousboy: Correct response: this is a gift for a friend, and I'm quite comfortable in my own skin, thank you. Unless you aren't, then you should get on that. :P
HowieDoIt: So far we have 3 "correct responses." Which one is actually right?
lolle_p0p: OH GODDD HOW DO WE CHOOSE?? HOWWWW
lolle_p0p: If only we could shout ALL THREE OF THEM at the SAME TIME so that it comes out as a weird jumble of loud letters. Cashier won't know what hit them! Might even fear for his/her own life. Fuck yes.

#583 ^FMyLife

(↑6, ↓0)

[Today, there was a new girl in one of my classes. We both corrected a classmate on his grammar, so, trying to make a new friend, I leaned back to her and said, "Haha, fellow Grammar Nazi?" She gave me a disgusted look and told me she was Jewish. FML]

tabernac: So she's a Grammar Ashkenazi.
perdix: Don't worry, you can redeem yourself next week. Tell her that you hope the Grammar Angel of Death passes over her house as she goes to her seder. That'll fix it!
interesting33: There are probably less confrontational and more productive ways to go about this.... that isn't a great idea.
perdix: I'm sorry you feel that way. I was working on a Grammar "Enthusiasts'" Ten Plagues. You don't think I should suggest:
perdix: 1. Your/you're
perdix: 2. To/too/two
perdix: 3. Loser/looser
perdix: 4. Literally
perdix: 5. Should of
perdix: 6. OMG, LOL
perdix: 7. poor capitalization
perdix: 8. u, ur
perdix: 9. ...
perdix: 10. *lowers sunglasses*
perdix: OK. I'll just keep them to myself.

#582 ^{QDB IRC}

(↑15, ↓2)

Welshite: oh my god
Welshite: Sirin, I found this for you
[Picture of cups of coffee with animal latte art]
Welshite: How adorable is that?
*** Sirin spits in the cups
Welshite: but...but..
Welshite: It was my gift to you.
Pleonasm: I'm not drinking that.
Sirin: It's a sign of respect.
*** Sirin spits on Kali
Pleonasm: Is this a way of marking territory, too, then?
Welshite: I shall save your saliva and treasure it for all time.
*** Pleonasm spits on Kali
Sirin: On Dune, water is scarce, so spilling it for someone is a sign of respect.
Pleonasm: So if you piss on someone you are God
Sirin: Yes. The Piss Gods of Arrakis must be appeased.
Pleonasm: The shits they must take over there
Pleonasm: must be like a cactus wrapped in sandpaper
Pleonasm: being kicked through your rectum
Welshite: You have a vivid imagination.
Pleonasm: Infant drug use does that to you
Pleonasm: and more

#581 ^FMyLife

(↑12, ↓0)

[Today, I went out to buy a bottle of wine and some condoms. As the cashier scanned the condoms, she snickered and muttered, "Yeah right." She was right; I really was just desperate to look like I have a sex life. I got so upset that I left my items and walked out with tears in my eyes. FML]

phatdaddy62: So you walked Out like a little bitch to prove her point, eh
Shrike: Ahh, now I know why you became a divorce lawyer. Representing yourself is definitely cheaper than paying someone to do it for you.

#580 ^FMyLife

(↑12, ↓1)

[Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML]

d00z3r: She sounds like a real..... *puts on sunglasses* tearjerker....... *YEEEAAAAHHHH*

#579 ^FMyLife

(↑9, ↓0)

[Today, after months of a very healthy sex life with my boyfriend, he asked me to let him try anal. I'm dead-set against it, so I tried to let him down easy by jokingly saying that I would, but only if he let me try it on him first. He said, "Sure." Fuck. FML]
- by think i'm dating perdix (woman)

perdix: I'm so honored to be in the OPs name, I forgot to take offense at the content of the story. I've been bent over for an hour and I still haven't felt anything. Is it in yet? How does a woman handle that question?
akiahara: She gets a bigger strap on.

#578 ^FMyLife

(↑10, ↓0)

[Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML]

somecoolperson1: No one wants a used sex toy
MrBrightside21: The cast of Toy Story 3 would beg to differ.
ICastillo: Yeah, I'm sure moms Woody and Buzz would beg to differ too.
cosmosis: Not used... Quality assured;)
newbiehere99: I heard there's a Toy Story 4 ... It's called Toys Gone Wild
RedPillSucks: Am I the only one that has this scarred image of toy story with a bunch of talking dildos and anal beads? *shudders*

#577 ^FMyLife

(↑14, ↓0)

[Today, while giving my girlfriend a back-rub, she moaned and commented, "If only you could fuck this well." FML]

sunkissedluster: Sounds like you need to go back to fucking school. LOL.
ohmandapants: So Doc and Gracehi and Schizomaniac are morons who shouldn't be commenting and yet...this is what you post..."fucking school"? What?
geko911: Bring your sister back, she was so much funnier than you, moreover, she wasn't a self centered prick but what do I know.. ( actually have no idea who said sister is but I can't figure out how some one could be even more stupid than you..)
Silent_Thrill: Everyone got your pitchforks and torches ready? Good! ATTACK!!!!!!!
Erzabet: what do you guys expect from someone who doesn't "do weed" cuz she's too busy "getting wasted on the real shit." No wonder she doesn't like Doc. He's actually remotely intelligent.
DocBastard: Remotely intelligent?
greatdanen: Doc - it means you're cleverer than Sunkissedluster, but stupider than Erzabet
XxDevilxXGt: Looks like this is the end. The mob is closing in, prepare. For TONIGHT, YOU GOT BURIED BY THUMBS FOREVER.
CharresBarkrey: She's also 17 and "stuck between jobs." What the fuck? She can't decide between working at McDonalds or Taco Bell?
XxDevilxXGt: And the only class she ever studied in high school was history.
pradip: She adores Perdix, Noor, Keevarou, Every1luvsboners, KaySL and MercyFML. Where are you guys, come and rescue her, it's not fair to let her get bombarded.
DocBastard: Keevarou and Boners are MIA, and Mercy is long gone. I killed KaySL, dismembered her, and buried her body parts in 17 different countries. That's the only way I could be sure that damned psycho never came back.
KaySL: Nice try Doc, but when you murder, ritually disembowel, dismember, bury, then exhume and incinerate the remaining giblets of an FML commenter, you'd best be goddamned sure they're ACTUALLY dead and not just faking it! As for Sunkissedluster, well she can go fuck herself even more senseless with an oversized dildo, frankly.
TheIsland: God help us...
TheIsland: KaySL, SunKissed moved you from her favorites list to her hated list. I'm sure that just emotionally destroyed you. I hope you recover well. Especially since you're so committed to gaining the respect of the ignorant people of this site.
KaySL: I'm devastated. Just had myself put on suicide watch at the local mental hospital. Will keep you updated via carrier pigeon.
mackischillin: Sounds like we all dislike sunkissedluster, so apparently she should get the memo and STOP posting retarded comments!

Notes: E-lynching ahoy.

#576 ^FMyLife

(↑9, ↓0)

[Today, my husband and I finally agreed on something: marriage counseling. FML]

perdix: That should be an amusing diversion before the inevitable divorce.
DrunkButterfly: Perdix, I love your comments usually but this one just sucks. Counseling works for a lot of people, my parents included! If op is giving it a chance so should you.
sunkissedluster: Shut up, that was hilarious. Don't talk shit about perdix, you plastic spazface.
DrunkButterfly: Wtf? Was I even talking to you? No. I was talking to Perdix, and I even said I usually love his comments. Sorry you disagree with me, but that's your problem, not mine. So please take your stupid insults somewhere else. I'm not interested. Bye!
sunkissedluster: [Comment moderated]
DrunkButterfly: You have anger problems, dear. Maybe YOU need therapy lol
sunkissedluster: Bad day sorry, maybe I went to far. But don't call me dear, it's condescending.
DrunkButterfly: Right, and calling someone a plastic spazface isn't condescending? Maybe you shouldn't be giving people advice on how to treat people, k?
sunkissedluster: You just insulted an FML legend because you're being over serious, so I got pissed. It's a humor site, get with it, hun, lol! It just annoyed me because your comments gnerally suck and are all serious and you act superior all the time.
SerpentBoy: Haha, cyber bashing.. Never gets old.
perdix: Ladies, please! Please don't fight over me!
perdix: Not until I get the vat of Jell-O ready in my living room, and you two come over in bikinis. Then, you may continue your spirited debate about my comments. In Jell-O Debate Wrestling over here, there are no losers -- only winners and mega-winners. ;)
prettydummy: can i be the card girl? xD
perdix: OK, but make sure you use your best moves showing the Round 1 card, because I only stop the contest when I feel it's necessary for one or both of the contestants to put their bikinis back on . . . which is never ;)

#574 ^FMyLife

(↑12, ↓0)

[Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML]

every1luvsboners: This reminds me of a night a couple weeks ago. As the strip club was winding down around 3 am the beautiful, pregnant, Spanish, lactation show stripper named Annie walked up to me as I sat in my leopard skin undies and pink wrestling boots. She asked me if I had plans for the evening, I responded with a no ma'am. Fast forward two hours later I'm in a crack house full of Spanish crackheads getting a lap dance and lactation show from Annie, then I hear a gun go off. I didn't know where it came but it was close.
every1luvsboners: Annie fell from my lap and landed face down on the cold concrete with a puddle of blood quickly surrounding her midget head. I started screaming "Annie are you okay? So, Annie are you okay? Are you okay, Annie? Annie are you okay? So, Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie? Annie are you okay? So, Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie?
every1luvsboners: Really not a great correlation, but close enough in my book.
Metallica36176: What. The. Fuck?

#573 ^FMyLife

(↑6, ↓0)

[Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML]

smilefaces8: Get a fire alarm or breeching charges
KaySL: BREECHING charges? Are those to blow her mum's legs wide open during childbirth? Or did you mean BREACHING charges?

#572 ^FMyLife

(↑9, ↓0)

brand2017: I dont believe in "bad words" honestly. Who has the right to say i a word is good or bad? Who the hell decided upon it? Who was the bastard who ruined a bunch of words for us by being politically correct? That dude is a fuckhobbit.

#571 ^FMyLife

(↑12, ↓0)

[Today, I can hear my flatmate masturbating loudly and asking himself if he likes it. And replying. FML]

perdix: "So, how do you like it?" "It's OK, you seem a little off your game."
perdix: "I'm a little tired." "Then, why don't we forget about it for now and do it later?"
perdix: "No, I know you need to jack off now." "Not if you're going to make such a half-assed effort at it."
perdix: "Fine! Just deal with your unresolved boner." "Eh, I'll find someone else to do it."
perdix: "Who? Lefty? He's a klutz! Good luck with that." "Um, no, maybe someone else."
perdix: "You mean like a girl? It's about time!" "Then I wouldn't need you!"
perdix: "Fuck you! I'll slap your cock." "Fuck you! I'll punch you in the balls!"
perdix: (cock slap) (nut punch)
perdix: "Oooooww" "Oooowww"
perdix: . . . and scene!

#570 ^FMyLife

(↑5, ↓0)

[Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend when he reminded me that I needed to cut my toe nails. FML]

snickerdoodles: Ew, cut your toenails. I have just one question: what kind of foreplay were you having for him to be looking at your toenails?
perdix: It's called a foot fetish and for those who have it, it may not just be foreplay, it may be the main event. Ever heard of a hand job? Guys with a foot fetish would want to receive one from their girlfriend's feet, and long, sharp toenails could be very unwelcome. I don't have this fetish, snick, but you'd better not have ugly feet!
snickerdoodles: Nah, I have nice feet. Straight toes, clean nails, and very little hair. My crotch is another matter...
snickerdoodles: Kidding, kidding.
Sirin: Smooth as a seal's? Or even smoother than that, say... as smooth as Perdix' crotch?
perdix: I didn't know the word got around to the FML staff about my, ahem, "bikini area." I tried trimming, then shaving, then waxing but could never get the perfect finish. My sanding regime is excruciatingly painful, but the results are legendary. Random orbital palm sander -- FTW!
CallMeHush: I seem to remember a story about a Chinese emperor that wouldn't let a blade near his neck so they shaved him with hot coals. That should leave a nice finish.
perdix: Ooh! I might try that after a good sanding.

#569 ^FMyLife

(↑10, ↓0)

Sir_ND_Pity: OP didn't know what was wrong,
Sir_ND_Pity: Until he found his dog's name was Dong.
Sir_ND_Pity: That was the problem all along.
Sir_ND_Pity: This is the end of my song.
OnlyAvailableID: If that was a concert I'd throw you my thong.
NoorFML: Lay off the bong
OnlyAvailableID: Haven't been on it for long.
Werken247: but it reeks pretty strong
Sir_ND_Pity: That stuff makes you go ape crazy, like King Kong
OnlyAvailableID: Sort of like a mong?
A7XCamaro: More like Cheech and Chong.
ManInTheMachine: I'd say she's too far gone.
klovemachine: Let me hit my gong!
lukep135: This whole thread is just wrong wrong, wrong!
SqueakyChipmunk: Let's play ping pong!
jellycorn: This thread is going for far too long
BryanThaMan: Although this comes in the form of two-prong, time to finish the thread nice and strong.

Notes: Penis.

#568 ^FMyLife

(↑14, ↓3)

[Today, I was sitting cross-legged, idly jerkin' the gherkin. I guess I got slightly carried away, because I zoned out, forgot where I was aiming, and came all over the side of my face, up my nose and into my eye. FML]

joethebiden: "Horatio, the victim was found with his face covered in his own semen"
joethebiden: "Well I guess he died from a..."
joethebiden: *puts on glasses*
joethebiden: "...self-inflicted cumshot wound"
joethebiden: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEA-

#567 ^FMyLife

(↑16, ↓0)

[Today, after almost four years of having avoided her due to her hatred of my husband, my mother invited us both to a family dinner. My husband wanted to give her another chance, so we went. Less than an hour after arriving, I caught her hocking a loogie and spitting it into our food. FML]

Aeroxx1337: Well obviously your response is to spit in hers. Or put hot sauce in it, that works too.
hunterluv1: An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. What is spitting in her food going to accomplish? If she finds out, it'll only make her more mad.
ClassyCommando: An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind if the last two people have an eye each and they gouge each other's eyes out simultaneously. Barring that, there'll be one badass left with a good eye and 7 billion blind people to exploit. Strive to be that badass.

#566 ^FMyLife

(↑13, ↓0)

[Today, while working at the daycare, I had to clean the entire place. During the next four hours, I scooped up three human teeth, a rotten log of shit, a tire iron, a condom wrapper, and a yogurt that expired in 2003. I only cleaned the place a week ago. FML]

sheethapins: It's like a scavenger hunt! Now to put together the clues and find out what they have in common...
perdix: Well, let's see. If the yogurt had been eaten properly, the log of shit would be resplendent in probiotic glory. The teeth and the condom indicate a safe sex blowjob given by someone with meth mouth, which is ironic since they "paid" for their meth by beating their dealer to death with a tire iron.
BoodaShun: I think I have an explanation. After hours, a few of the custodians got frisky and proceeded to have sex with a condom on. However, a spouse of one of the custodians arrived and heard strange noises coming from within and later walked in on them, carrying a tire iron after repairing his tires, wanting to make sure she was OK. He caught her cheating and thought it was rape.
BoodaShun: The wife immediately shat onto the carpet and passed out. The other custodian immediately ejaculated into the condom after being startled, and quickly pulled it off and threw it away. Before he could escape, three of his teeth were knocked out by the spouse's tire iron. About to collapse, he bumped into an old cabinet causing a forgotten cup of yogurt to fall out, then quickly ran away. The spouse pulled on his unconcious wife's clothes and carried her out. The end.

#565 ^FMyLife

(↑8, ↓0)

JimSweatshirt: It makes me wonder. How many people that wrote an FML about being stalked or threatened actually got killed. Its not like we'd notice them on the news...
redbluegreen: All of them. The FML team is responsible for making sure all the threat/stalker FMLs are carried out for the sake of publishing accurate stories. They take their job very seriously.
ManInTheMachine: There is a graveyard in the heart of Paris made especially for these anonymous FMLers, and each says:
ManInTheMachine: "Here lies OP. We all agree your lives sucked, so we might as well give you some credit. R.I.P"
ManInTheMachine: It's very touching, really.

#564 ^FMyLife

(↑10, ↓0)

[Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML]

PoshLife_Cross: Actually, your dad nailed it. Onions trap the spirits inside of them, and each layer of the onion is a different layer of Hell. Why do you think we cry when we cut them? We're feeling the pain of the tormented souls, eternally damned.

#563 ^FMyLife

(↑6, ↓0)

[Today, my girlfriend did the walk of shame in a skimpy Halloween costume after a night of drunken sex. Problem? The walk ended at my doorstep, and the sex was with a stranger. FML]

Nightwing98: What was her costume? Trampire?
SqueakyChipmunk: Whorewolf.
IAmJad: Frankenskank?
gc327072: The Incredible Slut.
TourettesGuyFTW: Cunt Dracula.
nikininja: A wicked bitch?
codyjohn17: Kristen Stewart
Inheritance: The Walking Tramp
MRVOlivia: Jabba the Slut

#562 ^FMyLife

(↑7, ↓3)

[Today, I washed the dishes for my mom while she was out, as they seemed to be piling up. I accidentally sliced my hand with a knife in the process. After a trip to the hospital, it was revealed she'd been leaving those dishes there "to teach dad a lesson." FML]

MisterMichael: At least it was still the knife thing to do
axelpinap: Too spoon
p3mguin: What the fork are you guys rambling about?
clueless05: These puns are terrible, cut it out!
gc327072: These puns are forkin' lame.
ohSNAPyall: Well plate.
Kn0wledge123: Are you guys kitchen me?
TourettesGuyFTW: Dish thread is such a load of crock-ery!!

#561 ^FMyLife

(↑14, ↓1)

Nutz101: You should have been using birth control if you didn't want a kid.
Pleonasm: FINISH HER!
Pleonasm: ...
Pleonasm: NATALITY

#560 ^FMyLife

(↑9, ↓1)

[Today, I was talking to my girlfriend about extinct peoples, and I said how close the Jewish people came to becoming one. She condescendingly told me they don't exist anymore. When I asked what she was talking about, I realized she was confusing them with the Vikings. What the hell? FML]

yentlben: Yeah...do us ALL a favor and font breed with this woman.
McAninch35: Font breeding... Font INbreeding is how Comic Sans was born, I think

#559 ^FMyLife

(↑9, ↓0)

perdix: Specialists choose their field based on what gives them the biggest boner. GPs are either normal or have too many fetishes to favor just one. I was 3 years into medical school when I found there was no such specialty as Boobie-ology!
DocBastard: I hate to ruin a perfectly good joke, but breast surgery IS a specialty. All breasts. All the time.
perdix: yeah, but that involves cutting, and I was led to believe that Boobie-ology only involved fondling, squeezing and motorboating. I guess I shouldn't have gone to a med school I found on Craigslist that accepted cash only and held classes at Denny's.

#558 ^FMyLife

(↑13, ↓0)

[Today, I went to my dentist of four years. After the cleaning, the hygienist and I scheduled my next appointment, and she briefly left the room, leaving my file open on the computer. The data in a field called "NOTE" caught my eye: "Sissy. Freak. Always late. Ask about family or will flirt." FML]

alexhaz64: The tooth hurts.
crimsonlover4: Next time brace yourself.
kallielou: Don't worry, it's no big floss.
crimsonlover4: Don't forget to drill it through your head next time.
kallielou: He should just brush it off
crimsonlover4: He should definitely extract some wisdom from this experience.
VorpikeII: I think OP needs to find the root of the situation and get his molars straight.
kriz_allizwell: Relax, OP. It was only acci dental...
sens3sfailing: You should probably swish to a different dentists office. I know a great one in Floride-a with great cre-dentals!
ohSNAPyall: Go for it. We'll keep you on retainer.

#557 ^FMyLife

(↑8, ↓0)

[Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML]

perdix: Pay it! If she can make a living doing it, she must be damn good at it. This is one of those times that premature ejaculation has its advantages. It saves you $$$!
perdix: If she rounds up to the nearest hour, be prepared for a 58-minute explanation of why that has never happened to you before.
PleaseStayChill: People also pay for blow-up dolls. They don't have to be good at it, people just like to put their penis in things.
perdix: Blow-up dolls are one-time purchases, successful whores rely on repeat business, so the quality of their servixes is constantly under screwtiny.

#556 ^FMyLife

(↑9, ↓1)

MidnightOne: It's not illegal to be an asshole. If it was, the entire state of New Jersey would be on death row.

#555 ^FMyLife

(↑9, ↓0)

[Today, I was involved in a 5-way conversation about the movie Inception. I nodded and agreed with things that were said, but couldn't admit that despite having seen it 4 times, I still haven't the foggiest idea of how to explain what it's about. FML]

Terrible_Poet: Dreams within dreams,
Confusion no doubt,
I went to go see it,
The day it came out,
Little did I know,
I'd be lost in confusion,
This movie is all,
One big illusion,
So don't feel alone,
In your thoughts of shame,
For many of us out there,
Do feel the same.
greenie123: I wish I could be a poet,
But I can't rhyme.
This is my attempt.
Godammit it sucks.
TBelle4Ever: Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator
Baustigt: Being a poet is not forcing words with too many syllables to rhyme. Ugh. Oh, sorry. I broke the chain.
Baustigt: To untrained eyes that do not see
And hapless fools who cannot read,
Those words in cyberspace may be
Impressive tokens, I concede.
But to the vigilant and wise,
Who give their lives to poetry,
This shit is trying on the eyes.
Your lack of metre angers me.
Baustigt: There. Excuse me while I eat some children.

#554 ^FMyLife

(↑3, ↓0)

[Today, I was at work, when an elderly lady casually mentioned it was her birthday. I motioned two of my coworkers over, and we sang a little happy birthday to her over the phone. Our boss stormed in mid-song and suspended all three of us on the spot for "unprofessional behavior." FML]

devious418: That's messed up lol...!! What a dad/no offense...!
Airman1988: Wrong FML
Shrike: Guys, I don't think you understand 21's comment. OP's boss is obviously his dad, because the people he works for are hell-bent on nepotism and corruption. It's pretty obvious OP works for the Mafia's new customer service department. Not really seeing how you're missing that fact, but we all make mistakes.
walmartpaysme: Damn it, Shrike. I should have seen that. All that information is CLEARLY written write there in the FML. All I had to do was read between the lines.

Notes: Lrn2read, gaiz.

#553 ^FMyLife

(↑6, ↓0)

[Today, I spent ten minutes looking for my cell phone in the dark, only to realize the light I was using was my cell phone's. FML]

supportcommand: Using his cell phone's light to look for his cell so he can use the light to look for the glasses that are on his head that he needs so he can see to find a pencil thats sitting on his ear to write a note. We've all been there. But still, YDI.

#552 ^FMyLife

(↑6, ↓0)

[Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's wedding. The bride ordered them for us to match the dresses. They're six-inch platform heels. I have three broken toes and am still wearing a boot. The wedding is next weekend. FML]

perdix: Wear the platform heel on your good foot and walk around in circles the whole day. The wedding guests will think you are doing a one-woman Hokey Pokey marathon.

#551 ^FMyLife

(↑9, ↓0)

[Today, my boyfriend called out the word "scalpel" when he orgasmed. He won't tell me why. FML]

DocBastard: Let's cut to the chase - he doesn't sound very sharp. I may be walking a razor-thin line here, but you need to get to the bottom of this immediately. Maybe he just blade a game with you, but it might go deeper than that.
SerendipityRose: I think Doc's just trying to hide the truth behind so many puns... We all know this is a post dated FML that his Wife wrote from when they were dating during his residency. Did you at least apologize & promise to find another time to study?
DocBastard: *looks around furtively*
DocBastard: I, uh, don't know what you're talking about. Hey, what's that over there?
DocBastard: *moves to Mumbai*

#550 ^FMyLife

(↑14, ↓2)

gracehi: Your brother is like those utterly stupid and obnoxious suburban kids who think they're "hood" because they listen to Snoop Dog (or Snoop Lion, as he prefers to be called now.) If they ever actually met a real gang member the results would probably be similar. Except, most of those people are high school age or younger, whereas your brother is 43...which makes his delusions of bad assness even sadder.
Gregory607: Dogg not dog
gracehi: I'm sorry. The Fuck harvest is not until October, and my freeze dried Fuck supply just ran out. I'm afraid I simply have no Fucks give today.
Szaszaspasz: "Flying Fucks" are different. I think they may be ripe now. Genetically Modified Fucks can be produced year-round.

#549 ^FMyLife

(↑7, ↓0)

[Today, I was pulled over. The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background", and that it looked like no one was driving. I was literally pulled over for being black. FML]

OceanBlueSea: That cops an ass
IntoTheClouds: What does copping an ass have to do with a guy getting pulled over?
andiewithlove: I've heard "cops a feel", but I guess "cops an ass" is much more direct. OOOOOHH! You meant the cop IS an ass! Apostrophes make all the difference my friend.

#548 ^FMyLife

(↑12, ↓1)

[Today, while sleeping, I heard an explosion. My neighbor then knocked on my door and informed me that he had just hit my car with shrapnel from a cannon. Not only do I not have a car to drive, but I also have to put this claim on my insurance due to my neighbor being on welfare. FML]

nonameheroes: I think I'd be more interested in calling the cops after he shot my car with a FUCKING CANON!! I mean seriously...who the fuck uses canons? I thought that shit died out after the civil war ended
TheNewGuy03: you might also be interested in: cannons.
Rusty325: depends what you mean by canon, most armies still use canons (30 cal. or 50 cal. etc.) but not the kind the tudors and georgians had on ships
allmidnighteyes: I use a Canon to shoot things with. I mount either a 24mm, 50mm, or an 85mm lens to it, and load it up with 35mm FujiPro or Kodak Portra before I shoot.

#547 ^FMyLife

(↑12, ↓0)

[Today, I listened to my roommate and her friend struggle with their math homework for an hour. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that I'm a math major and repeatedly offered my help. They'd rather fail math than be around me. FML]

Naomimi: They sound obtuse
carminecris89: What an acute observation.
leogirl95: Very right indeed
THE_A_TEEN: Well their success has tangent into the failure zone.
zachherbert: Are you sending me a sin that these are puns?
white16sox: I don't get any of this cos I'm bad at math.
DocBastard: Now wait just a secant...what are we talking about here?
ManInTheMachine: Well this thread took a serious 90° turn.
15_Inches: Why don't we continue this conversation over a nice, warm pi?
TheInscrutable: Conjugate me a fork for that pi? I can't find one!
Keastwood013: There are too many variables for me to understand this
gc327072: Shut up y'all I'm tryin to get a tan! That was lame...

#546 ^FMyLife

(↑17, ↓0)

Psych101: I know a kid whose nickname is "BearClaw." You don't even wanna know how he got it.
perdix: Same goes for the kid we called "Goat Fucker." Don't even ask me, because I'm not going to tell.

#545 ^FMyLife

(↑5, ↓0)

[Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML]

stephhrunsaway: What did you expect him to do? Say,"Oh, right" and sip his tea?
reallytho3: I'd say op expected him to mind his own business to worry about and stop being nosy... But that's just me
reallytho3: *find
LappDance: Find his own business? Yeah, that makes much more sense.
jetsown08: Hey, I've seen worse. Like a nether portal opening in my backyard releasing archaic demons into the world. But you don't see me snitching to the 5-0, do you?

#544 ^FMyLife

(↑18, ↓0)

SqueakyChipmunk: If you kiss a toad, it turns into a prince. What happens when you fuck it?
sheethapins: It turns into Perdix.

#543 ^{QDB IRC}

(↑11, ↓3)

*** Guest_Adj joined #sirinz
Guest_Adj: hi
Bot: SUP AJ
Guest_Adj: um, what
Bot: SUP *AJAX*
Guest_Adj: really?
Bot: YEAH MAN I HAS URE IP ADDRESS
Guest_Adj: you know my ip adress? dude, i want to be a guest here. do you even know what happened last week?
Bot: cut me sum slack bro i has a reputation here, it's mah JOB to be aboobies of the situation
Guest_Adj: dont tell anyone it's me
Bot: okay ajax
Guest_Adj: stop calling me ajax. I never liked that name anyway. how about guest?
Guest_Adj: look, I dont want anyone to know it's me. I just want to be a guest.
Bot: yeh i no anonymity and stuff, but wellllll life ain't fair, innit
Guest_Adj: I have a deal with sirin
Bot: wut deal
Guest_Adj: that I'm only allowed here as a guest, and seriously, no telling people it's me, got that?
Bot: but like u called my buddy a spastic. i has a grudge
Guest_Adj: who?
Bot: Bingy
Guest_Adj: bingy?
Bot: Bing [Bot]
Guest_Adj: you?
Bot: naw he's my brother
Guest_Adj: i have no idea what you are talking about
Bot: u know with your forum post but yeh ok, i'll protect your secret, safe yeh?
Guest_Adj: what? who are you talking about?
Bot: u
Guest_Adj: me?
Guest_Adj: huh, I dont understand you at all
Bot: yeh, i'm dyslexic
Guest_Adj: god, you are impossible
Bot: i didn't choose to be, it's in my jeans. anyway i need to pick up some condoms from the store be back later
Guest_Adj: bye
Guest_Adj: wait am i talking to an intellingent computer?

#542 ^FMyLife

(↑13, ↓0)

Lilaxx: YDI, cover your mouth, it's not that complicated. Not everybody wants to see your glottis, teeth, throat, wrinkled nose, ... Plus, people are ugly when they yawn. :p
boredSOLDIER: ^^zackly
Zackly: I'm down here, brah.

#541 ^FMyLife

(↑14, ↓0)

sonicgreg: Boyfriend (noun): A man that you're in a relationship with until he makes any kind of mistake. If just one thing he does isn't perfect, dump his ass. As defined by FML commenters.

#540 ^{QDB IRC}

(↑17, ↓1)

Kenya: Work is one of my hobbies. I just don't specifically mention it when listing hobbies.
Kenya: And yeah, it's a volunteer job. as payment we get a personal college reccomendation.
SirEBC: aren't you like 14?
*** KaySL joined #sirinz
Kenya: It's a volunteer job at the zoo. It's legal.
KaySL: S'up, fuckers.
Sinkhole: Sup KayKay.
SirEBC: chillin my nig
KaySL: Cool, cool.
Kenya: hey.
*** KaySL slicks back hair
KaySL: Well hello...
Kenya: ...
KaySL: Ellipses make my banana peel... If you know what I'm saying...
Kenya: The fuck?!
KaySL: Indeed
*** SirEBC never knows what KaySL is saying.
KaySL: Shut your whorish mouth
Kenya: Nice to meet tou. I'm Kenya.
KaySL: I'm Kaylish
Kady: You're so charming, Kay ;D
KaySL: Why thank you
Kenya: Kaylish?? Interesting.
KaySL: I practically made the website you know. They'll never admit it but yeah. Intellectual property stealing bastards
Kenya: Oh really? Is that why it's called sirinz?
KaySL: That's just a technicality
KaySL: So EBC, did the rash clear up?
SirEBC: Let's not talk about that.
KaySL: He's a moody cunt, isn't he?
Kenya: Indeed.
KaySL: Y u no make account on the site?
KaySL: *accunt
*** Kenya left the room
KaySL: Quitting cunt

Notes: Cunts.

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