FMyLife QDB: Best 100 Quotes

#47 ^FMyLife

(↑176, ↓12)

DocBastard: OP- absorb what I'm about to say. Stop sponging off your parents, make a clean break, and move out. Your dad can't be a Chore Boy and mop up after you forever. Make a Pledge, get a Top Job, and you'll feel Fantastik.
flamegrilled123: I see what you did there
wwerulez14: Nice one Doc.
BeastNerd: Nice one there, Doc.
KaySL: I fucking hate you, Doc.
DocBastard: KaySL, thou dost protest too much, etc etc.
mercyFML: Doc Seuss....?
DocBastard: Mercy -
DocBastard: I can not lie, I like a pun.
DocBastard: I think I'll make another one.
DocBastard: However, rhymes are not as swell.
DocBastard: I'll leave that shit to KaySL.
KaySL: Please god make it stop.

#6 ^FMyLife

(↑144, ↓8)

[Today, while working at a hospital, I told a patient to smile for the camera when taking an xray. His response was, "I have Bell's Palsy and haven't smiled in 5 years." FML]

Triumvirate: :)
Triumvirate: Shit, I meant :(

#420 ^FMyLife

(↑140, ↓5)

[Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML]

abouttofly: I can't stand all the people here loving the analogy. Please consider how insensitive it must be to people who have been raped.
lightburns: I have no time for people who use the idiom "I can't stand". Please consider how insensitive it must be to people who are wheelchair-bound.

#11 ^FMyLife

(↑146, ↓12)

pizzle012345: Wait, does anyone know if you can bang your wife when she is pregnant? What happens? HELP
bethan1: NO!! The baby will grab onto your penis and pull you inside. You'll be stuck in there until she gives birth :(
pizzle012345: OH NO!!!! the fetus will grab my junk?
DocBastard: Pizzle, either you have the best poker face in the world, or there's a village that's desperately missing it's idiot.

#67 ^FMyLife

(↑140, ↓15)

HitMeWithMusic10: what do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
monnanon: nothing. your jaw is still wired shut from the last time you tried to hit her.
monnanon: Thats right, i took your sexist joke and ruined it.

#36 ^FMyLife

(↑129, ↓7)

Terezi: Jesus Christ, this. I haaaaaate it when people go through my sturr, especially without asking. Get a job and buy your own damn makeup.
Trollz4daLULZ: I hate it when people go through my sturr too. I also hate it when hurr a durr durr.

#259 ^FMyLife

(↑128, ↓7)

[Today, I was in class when all of a sudden I was hit in the head by a metal pencil case. My teacher threw it at me to get my attention. FML]

zombehJEW: sew his ass
Showmehowtolive: SEW his arse? Oh that is wrong in so many ways.
Doortje: Unless that's where the teacher keeps his metal pencil cases I doubt sewing his arse would do the OP any good.
zombehJEW: w.e. grammar nazi -_-

[Today, I was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years. He stopped and knelt down in front of me. I started to panic, then he told me to calm down, my shoe was untied. FML]

zombehJEW: OMG my shoe got untied today too!!! isn't it just horrible? D_;
Sirin: Did you miss the actual FML where she didn't get proposed to, by any chance?
zombehJEW: well I didn't win the lotto but you don't see me complaining about it -_-
Sirin: No shit sunshine, but that's hardly comparable. If you're looking for death, destruction, maiming, and general misery, then deathdestructionmaimingandgeneralmisery.com may be a better choice of site for you.
Showmehowtolive: But you kinda were complaining about it.... The proof is 4 comments above this one. Unless Sirin uses her godlike powers to moderate it.
zombehJEW: you guys would need sarcasm shoved up ur ass to actually pick it up -_-
Doortje: You can't shove sarcasm up their asses, they're sewed.

#162 ^FMyLife

(↑120, ↓5)

[Today, I brought a can of Cheez Whiz to school to add to my pizza at lunch. After dealing with the nausea that accompanied, I realized I'd forgotten to put the cap back on before putting it in my backpack. All my school books and belongings are now covered in cheese. FML]

maybaybe: Luck it off
maybaybe: *luck
every1luvsboners: *luck
Emerant: *luck
Doortje: *luck
NateZ: *luck
sweet_candy_: *luck
chippa: *luck
WhatTheJunk: *LUCK
Eunomia: *luck
KaySL: Fuck's sake, people, am I really witnessing this vile butchery of the English language, or do my eyes deceive me?
KaySL: It's LUCK, NOT LUCK. LUCK, dammit. Can't you people hit one simple fucking button, or are you all doing this just to spite me? One last time for good measure: it's "luck". Good lick on your future spelling endeavors. Idiots.
Kua_Mei: I am officially frightened of the moderators.

Notes: Unlicky. Maybe next time.

#20 ^FMyLife

(↑121, ↓10)

afatmonkey: Yeah. This one time I was on a plane and the pilot pretended that he fell asleep. This one fat guy got scared and tried to take over the controls. The other passengers thought that he was a terrorist and stuck his head down the airplane toilet and flushed. Airplane toilets are strong. Took his head clean off. The ultimate swirley. But there was blood everywhere and it was gross, but it was ok because we got free peanuts.

#72 ^FMyLife

(↑113, ↓3)

G00DA: w dn't gv sht
DocBastard: And yet you still left a comment. So that means either 1) you DO give a shit and are a fucking liar or 2) you're a troll. Whatever the truth is, I don't see you getting out of this cleanly, prick.
KaySL: Hey Doc, I don't know how you... this guy seems to be operating on Hebraic spelling rules or something, I think you should've just smacked the shit out of him rather than wasted your breath, but hey, that's just me :D
DocBastard: KaySL, I don't smack trolls. It makes my hand smell funny for days.
KaySL: TMI.
DocBastard: Test My Insatiability?
KaySL: Touch Me Invitingly.
DocBastard: We need to stop before Sirin comes and bans our supple, succulent asses.
KaySL: Sirin's such a hater. Gawd.
KaySL: *returns to trolling the internet while furiously humping the wall*

Notes: WTF is wrong with these two?

#373 ^FMyLife

(↑106, ↓1)

[Today, as I was sleeping I heard something bang on my door. I walked on my balcony only to find my boyfriend throwing rocks trying to wake me. He didn't see me and threw a rock right into my eye. FML]

Tsunami87: don't we use mobile phones these days?
Apollyo: throwing mobile phones into windows or doors is kinda expensive.

#125 ^FMyLife

(↑100, ↓7)

DocBastard: The customer is always right. Unless he's an asshole thief.
pendatik: People steal assholes now? What the fuck is the world coming to, Doc?
perdix: You're telling me! You don't know how much you miss it until someone steals your asshole.
perdix: After a few days, I was more full of shit than I usually am so I had to piss off my boss so he'd "rip me a new one" like he'd always threatened to. Not as much fun as you'd think.
pendatik: I can imagine how bad that'd be. It's painful enough when people rip the piss out of me; ripping a new asshole has to be worse!
DocBastard: "Thieving asshole" probably would have prevented this catastrophe. I apologize to everyone who had to suffer through pendatik's and perdix's self-indulgent claptrap.

#249 ^FMyLife

(↑109, ↓16)

[Today, my husband admitted to me that he has a mental block about touching my boobs, because he's afraid that breast milk is going to spurt out at him. I had my son 5 months ago and I don't breast feed. FML]

Anonnamus: Tell him you have a mental block against him touching your vagina, because the last time he did, a nine pound person shot out if it.

#255 ^FMyLife

(↑103, ↓10)

every1luvsboners: What the difference between herpes and marriage? Herpes lasts forever. Good luck with your engagement.
hotbabe85: kid your a fuckin no life u comment on everything get out of your mons basement and get a life u 40 year old virgin
every1luvsboners: It's you're not your.
every1luvsboners: What's a mon?
every1luvsboners: I'm a kid and a 40 year old virgin. How is this possible?
every1luvsboners: Before you attempt to insult someone, at least have the common courtesy to know how to do so. Your spelling and lack of punctuation tells me that you're a 12 year- old child that has just been caught masturbating to David Hasselhoff, while forcing a nutty-bar up your pubescent ass.
DocBastard: May I point out that this idiot chose the username "hotbabe85". Everyone who has been on the 'net longer than 5 minutes knows that anyone who chooses such a username has the body of John Candy, the ass of Sasquatch, the social life of a leper, 17 empty bags of Doritos, and a case of Mountain Dew next to his second-hand sofa bed.

#66 ^FMyLife

(↑96, ↓5)

[Today, I went over to welcome this new couple to our subdivision with a bottle of wine and muffins. I told them I liked what they were doing with the place, then asked them when they had moved in. They replied, "Two years ago." FML]

Selena_is_back: I don't get it. Then again, I have the IQ of a glass of water, wee-woo!
Selena_is_back: What just happened to my comment?!?!
DahkLohd: ^ Mod WIN is what happened. Wee-woo?
Selena_is_back: I don't remember writing all that lol.
KaySL: Yeah well, when you have the IQ of a glass of water, I wouldn't expect perfect recall.
charllotttee: mods do that?
Selena_is_back: I already said I didn't post that!!!
Doortje: Of course you did, it has your name under it. [/rolleyes]
KaySL: Doortje makes a compelling argument. Clearly Selena is so retarded it's illegal.
Doortje: Why thanks KaySL, your argument was rather compelling too.
Selena_is_back: Clearly you guys don't understand what I said. All I posted was: "I don't get it." and then it was moderated by adding "I have an IQ of a glass of water and wee-woo." UNDERSTAND?
KaySL: Nah, I don't get what you're saying. I guess I have the IQ of a Selena_is_back.
Selena_is_back: Burn

Notes: Hurts, doesn't it?

#2 ^FMyLife

(↑103, ↓13)

perdix: [Comment moderated]
DocBastard: For perdix to get moderated, he must have said something not just off-color, but completely vile and disgusting. I'm sorry I missed it.

#8 ^FMyLife

(↑98, ↓11)

bravesfan112233: I like to erotically tweak my nipples to the tune of Ke$ha's Tik Tok. Lulzies.
bravesfan112233: pretty sure I didn't write that
KaySL: Braves, shut the fuck up and go back to tweaking your nipples. Just because you confessed in a moment of hot passion doesn't mean you can take it back. Cunt.

#96 ^FMyLife

(↑90, ↓3)

DocBastard: Where I'm from, divorce is performed exactly like this. The ring is cut off and then ceremoniously melted. The molten metal is then molded into the shape of a fruit bat as 17 eunuchs play "Stairway to Heaven" on the pan flute.
DocBastard: How the hell is it done in your country?
tati3092: we get divorce papers here in America XD haha ur country or whatevers sounds real complicated haha
KFCkoolaidWaterm: what country are you from? I don't mean that in like a creepy stalker way. Just wondering, because where I'm from, you just need to sign some papers.
DocBastard: Oh...my...god. Please make it stop.
ImaginaryFoe: I've gouged my eyes out, Doc, so I see no reason for alarm or complaint.

Notes: Are people really that stupid, er, gullible?

#27 ^FMyLife

(↑92, ↓7)

every1luvsboners: Does anyone know how to unblock messages from someone that I accidentally blocked on iPhone?
KingDingALing: Yeah, just take your Iphone/Ipod Touch and try to literally shove it in your ass. Then let it marinate in there for a while, pull out, and there you have it. You un-blocked that person.
every1luvsboners: it didn't work any other suggestions?
KingDingALing: Really? Shit...I thought that would work for sure. Well, there is another way, but it's much more difficult then the way I just told you. You have to go to your inbox, look for "view my contacts", click on it, then it'll say the name of the person you blocked or messaged, and click on "Un-block"....
KingDingALing: Then try shoving it up your ass again so that it doesn't happen again.

#65 ^FMyLife

(↑90, ↓7)

DethbyFML: fuck fml moderators
DocBastard: Not in your wildest dreams, pal. Trust me, I've come to know the mods' wants and desires, and you don't fit the bill, my man.
DocBastard: Sirin prefers smart people, Bee is more kinky, Quite_Insane is, well, quite insane and prefers his dudes as chicks, Rachel is way too smart for you, and Alan wouldn't look your way.
DocBastard: Trust me, I've tried them all. Sure, it's the thrill of the chase and the ultimate conquest, but you need to give up and move on.
DocBastard: May I suggest a prostitute instead? They cost more but carry fewer diseases.
Quite_Insane: I'm not sure how to take that, Doc. And it's not the first time I've said that!
Sirin: Actually Doc, if they want it, then they're clearly not my type. Screaming rape is a prerequisite.
DocBastard: Oh, hi QI and Sirin. Um, how long have you been standing right behind me? I, um...what? What! Sorry, someone's calling me. Gotta go...
DocBastard: *moves to Ecuador*

Notes: Ecuador won't save you.

#4 ^FMyLife

(↑91, ↓9)

[Today, I discovered that for the past 4 years my mother has been slipping meat into my food because she thinks my vegetarianism is a "stupid hippie fad." FML]

GailLeeRussell: Psh, she's a bitch. You have your beliefs, and I'm sure she has hers. Call her beliefs stupid and see how she feels about that. Or just start making your own food. And for the people who think that vegans and vegetarians are stupid, Google what people can do to animals in slaughter houses legally. It'll make you change your mind.
Ayame01: I agree, her mom is a bitch for not respecting your beliefs and indirectly forcing you to eat me.
Ayame01: eat meat**** -.-;;

#245 ^FMyLife

(↑87, ↓5)

FYLDeep: [Comment moderated]
FYLDeep: That was a defensive move. I'll just assume some guy on the team is just a big fan of this girl's acting and that he wanted her number just for that reason and none other.
Sirin: Or, or, or, ORRRR it was a damn joke. Christ I'm shit at jokes. Last night I had so much Crème de Menthe, pints of the stuff, that I feel like a heavy metal band has been playing in my stomach. Anyway, I really feel like a kebab. I look like one as well hahaha. Does anyone else think that The Smiths were the best band ever? My arsehole is chafed, too much Crème de Menthe I suppose. Anyway, snoochie boochies. I'm off to have a piece of pie, my auntie Beryl made me some. Call me Susan and a Taxi. Ooooh, Jersey Shore has finished downloading, I'm off to watch that. People say I look like Snooki.
Sirin: Very funny, Alan.

#123 ^FMyLife

(↑82, ↓3)

silentvoice: tht scks /: jst dn't wr mnshrts nmr, th wnt t f stl yr g (;
LuxAeterna: Seek help.
tanjoodo: Really, seek help.
Triumvirate: I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat.
vball74: I followed everything u said til the very end. Let's use our vowels please
Kylias: "That sucks, just don't wear mini shorts no more, th... the...n... won't... t... f... bjorkbjorkbjork."
Alzied: Wtf is this shit? Does anyone else imagine this as her dying message?
macskapingvin: I think this is a direct translation from a glyphic language that uses no vowels.
macskapingvin: I am thus impressed with the ability of a Texan to speak ancient Egyptian.
DocBastard: Let me plug this into my Idiot-English translation engine:
DocBastard: "That sucks! Just don't wear miniskirts anymore. They won't try fucking St. Louis year good."
DocBastard: Shit, that didn't help. Let me tweak the settings...
DocBastard: "They want to fuck sterile! You're golden!"
DocBastard: Dammit, forget it. I give up.
jon214thab: What in the hell am I reading?!?!
zp5: Hold on! Let me try to translate what #1 said.
zp5: "That sucks /: just don't wear M&M shirts no more, they want to fuck still, your good. (;"
zp5: WHAT?!
Ninjafriends: Virtual stoning.
unidentified_sta: If only you truly did abide by your username "silentvoice".

#213 ^FMyLife

(↑91, ↓14)

pulpfiction: You know what you should do? Wait until the fetus is three months in utero. Then abort it. Then you'll have a little potato-sized dead fetus. Keep it in a little pickle jar, and store it in your basement. Then, keep getting pregnant, and having abortions three months in, and store all of those fetuses in your basement, in pickle jars, on shelves along the walls. Then when you're older, have a kid. And when he's bad, make him sit in the aborted fetus room to remind him how lucky he is that you chose to let him live. And how easily that could have changed.......

Notes: Hmm?

#251 ^FMyLife

(↑83, ↓7)

olarvman: I honestly can't imagine this being possible, women aren't hard to please sexually
DocBastard: Of course not, because you're clearly the studliest stud who ever was a stud.
DocBastard: Give me a fucking break, dude. I seriously doubt women are dropping their panties at the sight of you. And if they are, it's because they've soiled themselves.

#263 ^FMyLife

(↑79, ↓4)

DocBastard: Marriage has taught me that a wife is like a burrito. It looks nice and hot on the outside, all dressed up and looking delicious. You get all excited at the idea of diving into it. But if you wait too long to get down to business, it turns cold and mushy. Try throwing her in the microwave on high for about 45 seconds. That usually works for me.
DocBastard: Um...wait...

#196 ^FMyLife

(↑75, ↓2)

Alan: The next person who says "why is this an FML?", I'm going to come round to your place, twist some metal, shatter one or two windows, and not steal anything. Then see if it's not an FML for you.

Alan: Hi, I'm closing the comments on this one, due to the fact that some of you are depressing the fuck out of me.

Alan: The comments section is NOT a chat room. Please try and stay on topic, to avoid boring the shit out of the other users who actually wouldn't mind commenting on the story without having to endure a bunch of endless drivel.

Alan: Having a "flat battery" is a perfectly valid expression. Read some books that don't have pop-up flaps or something.

Alan: I'm not a mod, I'm a god. I'm totally drunk on power right now. That's it, I'm off to watch Dragon's Den.

Alan: How is this an FML? 'cos I'm moderating right now, and it amused me, so I let it on the website. If you don't like a story, just move on to the next one. Some people were also amused by it. Not all FMLs have to be about people breaking their noses after getting hit in the head by a fucking golf club, or cancer, or evil that lurks in the hearts of most humans, whether tt's serious or just embarrassing, if it's funny or just pathetic... that's life, it's thus an FML. BECAUSE I SAID SO.

Notes: I call this piece: "Alan Loses His Shit".

#262 ^FMyLife

(↑81, ↓9)

Triumvirate: A person's life story is always interesting to hear, doesn't matter who it is.
Triumvirate: "Well, it all started when I was born to a three-toed whore in a small shack outside o' Birmingham, Alabammy..."
Doortje: ... when I was 5 years old things got nasty. The father of the foster home I was living in had this weird fetish... He would lift me up and inspect my anus, before bleaching every inch of it. This wouldn't have been so bad if...
lordcaliburx: ... he didn't use the house cat to do it. as the years went on and my poop shoot got cleaner i started to ask questions like where do all the cats go when they are done or why not not bleach my asshole...
Sirin: ... then it struck me with all the force and fail of a Dane Cook attempt at suppressing his own arrogance. They went over to Perdix' place and had him use his tongue. Sure, the place was covered knee-deep in shit, and had Justin Bieber posters plastered over the sex slave pit, but anything was worth a squeaky-clean asshole. That's when...
KaySL: ... I wanked into a trash can, rolled over in bed, and cried myself to sleep. True fucking story.

#266 ^FMyLife

(↑76, ↓4)

[Today, I left McDonald's after an entire work shift without eating anything. It's an hour commute home, so I started to eat my french fries at a red light. The car next to me rolled their window down and shouted at me "Fatso" before driving away. I weigh 110 pounds. FML]

DocBastard: That sure is a Whopper of a story. What a pickle! You mustard felt terrible. But I don't think there's a McNugget of evidence that you're fat, and you should feel frite to ketchup to the guy and tell him off. Lettuce all agree that at 110 pounds you probably have nice buns. So go home, have a Happy Meal, and forget this whole thing.

#275 ^FMyLife

(↑78, ↓6)

DrButtermaker: I got stuck on an escalator once.. I was halfway up and the thing just stopped! I was stuck there for almost an hour before someone came with a key to reset it... Traumatic indeed....
atomicbaboon: o.O
atomicbaboon: I really hope this is a joke.
DrButtermaker: No I think you misunderstand, I couldn't walk up it cuz it stopped. It got stuck. All I could do was wait.... I sometimes have nightmares because of it...
cptmorgan15: no i think you misunderstood. escalators are basically stairs when stopped. just walk up
cptmorgan15: so an escalator stopped and you couldn't walk up? Explain what was stopping you from doing so.
DrButtermaker: Escalators are "moving stairs"..... when it get's stuck, then they're BROKEN moving stairs... isn't an elevator just a climbing box? so OP should've just kept climbing?
cptmorgan15: you must be a complete retard.
DrButtermaker: why would you say such a mean thing to a survivor of such an ordeal? Have you no heart?
Katiemaccc: Christ, you people are morons, escalator guy is joking.

Notes: Good god.

#37 ^FMyLife

(↑75, ↓4)

DocBastard: Don't have a cow. No use crying over spilt milk. Dairies nothing you can do about that old heifer now. Mooove on.
Trollz4daLULZ: That was udderly ridiculous. Your puns were quite cheesy, and not in a gouda way. In fact, they were downright terri-bull.
bigbadtim: Good job at milking this one for all it's worth.
TheIrishJaneDoe: Lactate!
TheIrishJaneDoe: Sorry, just got excited.

Notes: Ugh.

#354 ^FMyLife

(↑75, ↓4)

kiloxkid: That sucks because Christ can save anyone if they truely want to be saved.
pendatik: That's not true, kiloxkid. He didn't save my dad when his parachute failed to open, and, at terminal velocity, he was screaming "Oh Christ, save me". Maybe it was the slipstream tearing the words from his mouth that made Christ not hear him. I don't know. I suppose you shouldn't make excuses for the divine. Who are we to judge, and all that...
YouCanHaveACoke: Pendatik, I am really sorry to hear that. I can't even fathom how you felt/feel to this day.
kiloxkid: Pendatik I'm sorry to hear about your dad, but that's not what we mean by "save" here. Christ saves your soul. If your dad believed in Christ, then He did save your dad and you should take comfort knowing he's walking with God now. Everything happens for a reason, and while we may not always understand them, we at least know there is one.
Pendatik: Sorry guys, I was joking. My dad died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car at the time.

#387 ^FMyLife

(↑71, ↓4)

JiggyBoo123: Why aren't there any comments on this?
CloudEnvy: Because of the paradox you just created.

#225 ^FMyLife

(↑70, ↓5)

[Today, my mom complained that I was bringing the whole house down by being unmotivated and a slacker. I'm currently attending University, working part time, and paying most of the bills. My mom doesn't work because apparently her feet are too delicate for all the walking about. FML]

Mpsteve13: tell her to become a prostitute, that way she can keep her feet in the air

#180 ^FMyLife

(↑68, ↓4)

MauriceWinifred: and that's why you buy one of those Japanese toilets.
waswashere: what do 'em jap toilets do?
TYDIRocks: Shoot water up your ass
FYLDeep: That's not a drinking fountain? Fuck, I've been doing this all wrong.

#356 ^FMyLife

(↑67, ↓3)

Sargasm: Purity rings are great. I'm actually coming up with a line jewelry to remind the weak minded of what they should and shouldn't be doing. Here's what I have so far:
- "Shower Every Day" necklace
- "Don't Forget To Keep Breathing" anklet
- "Look Both Ways Before Crossing" wrist watch
- "Lick It Before You Stick It" clitoral piercing

#60 ^FMyLife

(↑72, ↓9)

[Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. He calls it "bloody victory." FML]

iJustLol: a sub teacher told my class that he likes to do this because it makes him feel like he is "a unicorn stabbing an orphan". yeah he was never seen around our school again after that....freak.

#244 ^FMyLife

(↑64, ↓1)

[Today, I was sitting on the toilet with a really bad and noisy stomach upset. Then I hear a knock on the bathroom door. My boyfriend had decided to make a surprise visit. FML]

DocBastard: And then what? He broke up with you over borborygmi? If he didn't, I don't see the problem. If he did, any guy who would do that isn't worth crying over and you're better off.
nokel11: no disrespect, but for a doctor you have quite a lot of time to spend on FML.
DocBastard: None taken. I have my iPhone on me constantly, so I like to check in while waiting for elevators, between patients, etc. It makes the time go by faster, and I get to vent some frustration at the same time. Either that or I'm faking this whole doctor thing, and I'm actually a 24 year old dude living in my parents' basement with nothing better to do.

Notes: Fuckin' knew it.

#386 ^FMyLife

(↑64, ↓2)

[Today, I was walking past an elementary school. I couldn't help but laugh as I saw a kid slip in the mud. I learned that he was a black belt when he beat the crap out of me. I'm 22. FML]

cptmorgan6: I've had many encounters with black belt elementary students, all of them ending poorly. Swallow and give in. It makes the end result better.
cptmorgan6: I... I mean... swallow your pri... ahh fuck it.
knights95: "Swallow and give in" where else have I heard that... never mind don't want to talk about it.
cptmorgan6: Not to make it awkward, but, uh.... have we met before? Motel 6 ring a bell?
knights95: Idk I don't really remember much last thing I heard the guy say was "You want some candy?" and I went into his van.
cptmorgan6: Shit... can we delete this thread?

#21 ^FMyLife

(↑66, ↓5)

every1luvsboners: Wear rubbers, I always wear one no matter where I am.
Zebidee: You type with your dick?
C6Racer: Um, yea. Doesn't everybody?
Zebidee: That explains some of the comments.

#82 ^FMyLife

(↑64, ↓3)

dayday08: what is op?
Perdition: 'OP' is common forum slang for 'Octopus Penis'.
dudeitsdanny: Orgasmic Penguin
jizzho: optimus prime
pendatik: Ornamental penis
TheRealFamilyGuy: ostrich placenta
I_iz_B_a_troll: obvious prick
PSQ91: Obnoxious Psychadelic
lifesucks1234567: Orange Piss
schwiggidy: ornate penis
OverweightNinja: Only Pedophiles
ilikefmlalot: Oblivious Parrot
sheehan35: oval piranha
Sugarcannon: Orgasmic Panda
wwerulez14: Obvious Phagocyte
dwdrummerpro: Ovary Punches.
Zebidee: Oom Paloompa?
cradle6: Orangutan Parthenogenesis

Notes: Don't expect helpful answers on FML.

#256 ^FMyLife

(↑60, ↓0)

Zebidee: Just because you can see her, doesn't mean you should hit on her.
Zebidee: If I had a dollar for every time a girl was sitting, minding her own business, eating her lunch, but secretly thinking "I wish some socially awkward guy would come up and try a pick-up line on me", I'd have less money than KaySL's kissing booth.
KaySL: Low, Zeb, fucking low. Do you know how hard it is to make a living in this recession? I wish I could reach through my screen and slowly, erotically choke the life out of you, just feel your life energy slowly ebb away all over my hands until you turn limp and completely spent in my grasp. No homo.
Zebidee: You're not using the term 'life energy' in its conventional sense, are you? No homo.
KaySL: Absolutely not. I'm totally gay for you, big daddy. No homo.

#411 ^FMyLife

(↑61, ↓3)

perdix: I doubt the septic tank "broke" that way. Your mom probably re-routed the line into the basement to flush you out. All of her unheeded demands that you get a fucking job and your own place have led to this! Make sure you take your Xbox and porn collection with you before they get covered in shit.

perdix: You are fortunate. I didn't believe there was such a thing as a bad BJ until I suffered through one. It's not so much that she bit it, as much as she scraped my cock with her teeth. I almost wanted to cry. Not from the pain, really, but I've always thought that a girl who will take my cock in her mouth has a special place in Heaven. It's just heart-rending to tell such a girl that she has to stop. At least you can give her the consolation prize of a hot fuck so you don't have to confront the issue of the substandard blow job.

perdix: I recently learned that almost all ants are female. There are a few males around to impregnate the queen, but otherwise, males are useless. I hope by the time the human race discovers this, I am long dead and buried.

perdix: The crooks cleaned out your collection of Barry Manilow, Celine Dion, Journey, Air Supply and Debbie Boone, and you have the brass balls to claim that you and the thieves have "decent taste in music!" No wonder your kid likes the Black Eyed Peas -- she's been musically molested by you.

perdix: You are absolutely right, but I'll bet you are not getting any pussy now. *Golf clap* Sometimes, you have to pretend to accept women's crazy ideas. I once was on a date with a hot chick and she started going on and on about astrology. I totally shredded her beliefs with copious amounts of scientific data. She couldn't refute my arguments, but I ended up going home at 9:30 and jerking off to internet porn. Did I really "win?"

perdix: You need to get him saying that on tape and send it to the local police. Then, hire a hit man to kill you and frame your dad. He'll go to prison and will not be allowed to collect the insurance money. I hope you get to watch the hilarity from Heaven.

perdix: Maybe he's just a Grammar Nazi? Either dump his ass or learn "Deutscheland über alles" and enjoy the aroma of Zyklon B. PS: The dumping is the only real choice.

perdix: So, she made you a banana split. First, she sliced a banana, slowly, along the urethra, with a dull, rusty knife. Then, she added a scoop of Rocky Road and one of Hershey Highway Mud Pie. She added pussy-whipped cream and then a handful of brutally crushed nuts. Finally, she put her sister-in-law's cherry on top. You paid through the nose for it and had to leave a tip as well.

perdix: Your closed-mouth "smile" probably looks like Heath Ledger's crazed Joker smirk. You ought to smile wide and pay them triple to Photoshop out your meth mouth.

perdix: What's the big deal? I make my dick into a pretzel all the time -- a pretzel stick, that is. I don't mean to brag, but on a good day, it might look more like a pretzel rod.

perdix: Every time you fart, yell "AFLAC!" at the same time. It will cover up the sound and you may get a "mental health" day granted to you.

perdix: "Small sip of alcohol a few years ago and hated it" really means "I am a frequent binge drinker and often wake up in strange men's beds." Your parents could spot obvious denial as soon as we all could. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

perdix: I'm a deposed African prince with frozen assets. If you give me your bank account and routing numbers, I will move my money to your account and let you have 20% of it. You'll have plenty of money in Sudan.

perdix: Just tear out the pages where the story of Onan is. If you want to be really heretical, use those pages to catch your spooge.

perdix: If she props up her laptop on her swollen belly, she might want to turn off the Wi-Fi and plug in via Ethernet. It may be a hassle, but then again, if she minded her ports getting plugged, she wouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place.

perdix: You mean shards of *pictures* of naked women. If you found your neighbors mass grave of murdered prostitutes and runaways, you'd be picking up the shards of naked women.

Notes: Listen to your Uncle Perdix, now.

#22 ^FMyLife

(↑61, ↓4)

DocBastard: She's a slut because she wears orange underwear? What would you call a girl who wears crotchless panties?
RedPillSucks: Efficient? Prepared? Forward thinking?
boinga: Crotchless panties gather no skid.
DaveOnDope: That depends if they were crotchless when she put them on.

#436 ^FMyLife

(↑57, ↓1)

[Today, I came home crying and informed my mother that someone had called me a 'fat bitch' today. She held me at arms length, looked me straight in the eyes, and lovingly said, "You can't change who you are." FML]

haw008: Patenting these days...
flockz: i know right? fucking people these days stealing all my fucking ideas. i made a lube the other day made from the chinsweat of a female kamodo dragon and you know what fucking happened? some asshole by the name of--
flockz: oh wait you just misspelled parenting..... fuck you then.

#38 ^FMyLife

(↑62, ↓7)

DocBastard: Such fowl play! I hope you made it to the hospital for some tweetment.
Filitov: Atilla the Pun strikes again!
Trollz4daLULZ: Are you trying to egg me into a pun war? I mean, one good tern deserves another. Owl never be topped in a pun war! Some of the yolks might bring a peregrines to a pair of faces.
DocBastard: What's wrong, Trollz? Chicken? Afraid I'll give you the bird? I'll do it, and I'll have no more egrets. Go duck and cover under a roc, you loon.
bigbadtim: Looks like Doc and Trollz are Birds of a Feather. They always quack me up.

Notes: I hate you assholes.

#299 ^FMyLife

(↑60, ↓5)

[Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML]

allmidnighteyes: My toilet brings all tapeworms to the bowl
allmidnighteyes: and they're like, "it's longer than yours.
allmidnighteyes: damn right, it's longer than yours"
allmidnighteyes: I can infect you, but I have to charge.
allmidnighteyes: My tapeworm is longer than yours.

#395 ^FMyLife

(↑57, ↓2)

alpaquette91: haha spare tires aren't aloud on plains ;)
aly2k8: planes
alpaquette91: eh it's 3am I can say I don't give a fuck
playboyintown: still give a fuck to be around?
alpaquette91: come again?
swittig: I can come again but it will cost you $50 due to my "fat chicks need love too, but they gotta pay" policy.
alpaquette91: ... I'm not fat you sick fuck
Utdforlife: I see nerd rage.
alpaquette91: THIS WASNT ME COMMENTING!!!!!!! my sister took my phone she is 13 I'm 20 I do indeed know how to spell and I would never be so rude! I apologize for all the rude comments. Again I'm very sorry.

Notes: We call this "pulling a Chantel".

#425 ^FMyLife

(↑56, ↓1)

HowAreYouToday: Lol. At least you didn't "brake a leg"
False_Stupidity: it's break a leg, not brake
HowAreYouToday: sorry. Autocorrect. -.- I am humiliated
kelseykaye93: Break*
HowAreYouToday: -.- I get it
BagleHead: I think you mean 'break', not 'brake'
HowAreYouToday: I said I get it!!! Pudge fingers + touch screen = fails for me!!!
thatgirlinoregon: The next person to correct 'brake' needs to be taken out and shot. Read the whole thread! For the love of god...
Shrike: It's "break", man. I don't mean to put you on the spot or embarrass you but just putting it out there before any of the grammar nazis correct you. :))
HowAreYouToday: I was corrected 3 times already. and I already admitted my fault. Read the whole freaking thread!!!

Notes: Why so serious?!

#446 ^FMyLife

(↑55, ↓0)

ikickgingers: "Don't be picky, just be happy with this quickie."
Enslaved: I once went to a restaurant and ordered a quickie only to find out it was pronounced quiche. Hahaha whoops (:
ikickgingers: Lol, that reminds me... Check your PM.
perdix: Damn! They're going private just as I was getting excited about watching the two of them go at it. I had my hot-air popper and my butter all ready. And I don't even have any popcorn -- weenk ;)
flockz: *takes hand out of pants*
The_Troller: *puts away lotion*
g0bak3acake: *picks up the tissues*
intothecrypt: I was already done.

Notes: Good to know.

#1 ^FMyLife

(↑58, ↓4)

KiddNYC1O: The FML God is Sirin, jackass.
DocBastard: Sirin is the queen and pendatik is the king. Redbluegreen, FFML_314, MercyFML, and perdix are vying for the throne. I am merely the royal physician/court jester. Not necessarily in that order.
WhatTheFuq: Then what am I >:!
MermaidSongXOXO: DocBastard, I would like to say you are the prince. Yes, Sirin and Pendatik are your parents. WhatTheFuq is the royal fool.
ImaginaryFoe: Fuq, I'm nobody, who are you? Are you nobody, too?
WhatTheFuq: I hope not I had plans on killing my cousin the king. and I've been a member for a little over a week now.
adaniscool: The FML "kingdom" consists of the creators and the employees of FML. Everyone else just thinks they're the shit.
ImaginaryFoe: I would love to see Sirin hammer this thread all to hell. 40+ modded comments in a row. What a beautiful slaughter. Perverted fucks.

Notes: First!

#9 ^FMyLife

(↑58, ↓4)

KaySL: Probably because at this point, it constitutes little more than spam, given the ungodly number of identical comments. You know, you CAN swear on this site, right? Look... fuck fuck fuckity fucking fuckstick fuckadoodle. And am I struck dead by a mod? NO. Sheesh, kids these days.

#64 ^FMyLife

(↑61, ↓7)

[Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML]

J3ffr3y050ri4: i guess we can say you were......
J3ffr3y050ri4: *puts on sunglasses*
J3ffr3y050ri4: An accident.....
zp5: J3ffr3y050ri4 - you must be
zp5: *puts on sunglasses*
zp5: retarded.
zp5: YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!

#342 ^{QDB Forum}

(↑56, ↓3)

KingDingALing: Doc, where do babies come from?
ScaryyMary: The stork, lingling. DUH.
Monikabug: Hospital gift shop.
DocBastard: Haha, that's so cute. The innocence of youth.
DocBastard: No Ling, when a man and a woman love each other very much, or if they are really drunk and/or horny, they write a petition to the Fund of Universal Children/Youth Output Unit (FUCYOU) who will come and interview the prospective parents. This usually involves multiple body cavity searches and violations. If they determine the parents are worthy, the child is delivered in a sack of Jello and pinto beans. If not, they are strung up by their toenails and forced to listen to Friday by Rebecca Black until their ears bleed.
DocBastard: Now you know.

#52 ^FMyLife

(↑60, ↓8)

Mielad: Just a question.. How many people do there work at FML?
Mielad: And isn't it just ''people choose'' you see if it's good and then publish it.. Don't you need 2 people at the most for that? XD + Maybe the advertisements 2 more. o.o Or is there more to it?
Zebidee: For a start, multiply that by the fact the site runs in five languages...
Didi: Yep, we are a bunch of zombies here.
Sirin: We don't sleep and we sustain ourselves on unicorn blood. And pizza.
Fortuitous: But unicorn blood makes you live a half-life. Who would live such a life? Can you think of anyone?
Sirin: I don't know, it's a Riddle...
ScaryyMary: What a bunch of Tomfoolery.
Fortuitous: The mystery- it's Marvolous, isn't it?

#390 ^FMyLife

(↑56, ↓4)

chynayes: she actually is right you could possibly get lung cancer my grandmother passed away from second hand smoke
pendatik: My grandmother passed away from a second hand car.
pendatik: Dodgy brakes.
pendatik: What? Humour noir?

#243 ^FMyLife

(↑54, ↓3)

DocBastard: You should have test driven the car before you put it in your garage. You always need to test out the gear shifter by checking how freely it moves, feel how supple the seats are, how much space there is in the trunk for your junk, how quickly and smoothly it accelerates, kick the tires a bit...
DocBastard: Wait, what the hell was I talking about?
FYLDeep: We were talking about your bed wetting problem Doc. You'd be surprised how many people have wanted to say something earlier but didn't have the courage to start up the conversation. But it ends now.
DocBastard: AH! Right. It turns out that morphine, Valium, and crack all mixed together and injected directly into the penis does wonders for enuresis. Uh, or so my, uh, friend told me.
BugsBunny1: Ehh, what's up, Doc?
DocBastard: Please don't tell me that you created this profile simply to utter that one line.
DocBastard: That's either really flattering or really freaky. Or maybe freakishly flattering? Flatteringly freakish? Frackerigly fleaty?
iiCaptain: Run and hide before Elmer Fudd finds out you're out of your hole!
iiCaptain: "Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits."

#320 ^FMyLife

(↑57, ↓6)

[Today, I had such a violent coughing fit that my stomach emptied itself all over the floor while at my sales job. FML]

Xxak907xX: That just fucking sucks
zDylanz: A good salesman should be able to sell anything. AmIRight?
grizzvolleyball9: you're so right!
iBanana: Control your gag reflex chump.
A7X_LoVeee: If you were feeling ill or what not, shouldn't you have gone in the back to the bathroom?
KaySL: [Generic statement/question to the OP with no relation whatsoever to the comment I'm replying to, making me look like a dumbass attention whore in the process.]
Happygofucky: [Generic pissed off speech/rant entailing my life story and the fact that above comments have nothing to do with #1 making me just another pissed off emo kid.]
KaySL: [Reactionary comment deliberately misinterpreting your response and questioning the purity of your bloodline, followed by a sarcastic compliment as to the impressive suction power offered by your sister's lips.]
Happygofucky: [Disgusted response informing you that it was in fact my brother, leading me to question your sexual preference in an offensive and derogatory way, due to my own self consciousness which stems from my deeply hidden homoerotic fantasies.]
KaySL: [Totally irrelevant rage-fest response comprised of highly inflammatory and vile comments such as "he's a keeper", "that's a shitty situation", "you must've been pissed", "karma's a bitch", "dump him", "American English is the only English", and "I love DocBastard", followed by more off-topic self-derping and thinly-veiled accusations of Illuminati affiliations.]
Happygofucky: [Declaration of love to DocBa-FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU]
KaySL: OH, YOU MOTHERFUCKER.
DocBastard: Wait, "I love DocBastard" is inflammatory and vile??
DocBastard: YES!! My work here is done. I can now officially retire from commenting. *throws microphone down* Goodnight! I'm out!
DocBastard: Peace out, yo.

Notes: Thread-jacking? Yeah, I used to do that when I was younger.

#413 ^FMyLife

(↑54, ↓3)

[Today, at a gynecologist's appointment, I was privileged to have 7 co-ed nursing students stare at my vagina for 25 minutes as part of their training. At one point the doctor apologized for having to "open me up more than usual", but said she wanted everyone to get a good view. FML]

perdix: And the doctor said, "My, you've got an enormous vagina. My, you've got an enormous vagina."
perdix: The OP said, "You didn't have to say it twice."
perdix: And the doctor said, "I didn't."

#287 ^FMyLife

(↑54, ↓4)

awesomeselflover: I feel sorry for your mouse. You can't even keep it's cage clean.
ScaryyMary: I feel sorry for you. You don't seem to know the difference between "its" and "it's."
LifeSucksbtw: WTF stop being a dick fucking retard grammar Nazi
SirEBC: I've always wanted to try my hand at this! I'm so excited..
SirEBC: *(Clears throat)*
SirEBC: "Stop being a dick-fucking grammar Nazi." -A grammar Nazi who fucks dicks? Depending on how you interpret that, it can be quite erotic, or extremely painful, as the hole of the penis is quite small.
SirEBC: "Stop being a dick fucking grammar, Nazi."- A dick who is fucking grammar, and is also a Nazi? Hm. Well, there isn't any evidence of antisemitism in her post, and it isn't really possible to fuck grammar. *Refers to your post* ..Never mind.
SirEBC: "Stop being a dick fucking grammar Nazi."- A dick that is currently having sex with grammar Nazi? Nah, it can't be this one, because surely you would have made "Nazi" plural. Silly me.
SirEBC: "Stop being a dick, fucking grammar Nazi."- This is is just improbable.
SirEBC: Hm. So, which one is it?

#238 ^FMyLife

(↑52, ↓3)

Sirin: Okay, let's try to act like civilised humans and avoid knuckle-dragging bigotry on this one. If you don't like it, move on to the next FML. Failure to take a damn hint will result in me kicking your ass, freezing you in carbonite, and handing you over to a fat green space slug just for the hell of it.
llamagangster: DocBastard, I want to touch your dick.
DocBastard: Then I have some bad news for you, friend...
KaySL: WOAH, DOC'S A WOMAN?!
sweet_candy_: Lmafo the mods are amazing. You guys make fml extra special.
DocBastard: KaySL you silly git, the "bad news" is that I'm married, not that I'm a woman! Haha, oh you. I laughed and laughed.
KaySL: And to think you turned down my advances with the rationale that you preferred goats. You motherfucker.

Notes: Llamagangster will never speak of Sirin's dick again.

#74 ^FMyLife

(↑53, ↓5)

vergaso: damn I got moded fast
vergaso: WTfF do u mods do all day read this and jack off to cartoons?

Notes: Only on the weekends.

#84 ^FMyLife

(↑52, ↓4)

cheeksMcgeeks: One time I was going to throw a snowball at my friends face so I decided to hide behind a door. When my friend came I threw it at her but it was actually my sister who is pregnant but wasn't really my sister it was actually my dad who wasn't really my dad it was actually my friend who dresses up in my sisters clothes which aren't really my sisters clothes they're actually my brothers who's actually my sister who's actually my uncle who's pregnant. It went all over her face.

Notes: After much screwing about with a gramatically terrible FML.

#427 ^FMyLife

(↑48, ↓0)

[Today, I will be sleeping in my aunt and uncle's living room. It is 90 degrees. There is an air conditioner but if you turn it on, the raccoons living in the wall will get pissed off and try to claw through the wall. Only five more nights sweating my balls off or imagining racoons having angry sex. FML]

wisericky: Dont worry OP i am creating a new racoon repellent, as we speak. but i just cant get the spray to stay attached to the shotgun. Im going to capture some FML commenters and do beta testing.
ambowew: Look in the mirror, you've found the perfect target.
wisericky: ahh, ambowew you have been randomly selected out of everyone, congrats. Lets scan your intelligence... *scan noise* your intelligence seems to be that of a snail. We can work with that, great. So take this blindfold and put this apple on your head. Don't worry, there will be cake after the experiment.
mrosew442: DONT LISTEN TO HIM!!!!!! THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!!!

#7 ^FMyLife

(↑56, ↓9)

Brave_Sir_Robin: (takes out a half-full mayonnaise jar)
Brave_Sir_Robin: This is the sound of a necrophiliac having his way with the skull of your kidnapped dead great-grandmother.
Brave_Sir_Robin: (inserts and removes fist into the mayonnaise jar multiple times)
Sirin: *relentlessly clicks thumbs-down* >_>
mercyFML: No. It sounds more like this:
mercyFML: *stirs a bowl of mac n cheese n wood chips*
CallMeHush: She might have a few loose teeth, throws some Fritoes into the bowl.
trizzieb: I thought I was fucked up. You, Brave Sir, need counseling. I commend you and will strive to be as psycho as you from now on.

#374 ^FMyLife

(↑48, ↓2)

[Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML]

every1luvsboners: Just explain to them that it was a dark night with a full moon. You were hunting Black bears barefoot in the mountains with no weapon. Just you and the bear mano-a-mano; bare fisted combat. As you approached your sleeping target he wakes up, stands up on his back feet; he's 8ft tall. Your only option was to put him in a headlock and beat the shit out of him. After he gives up on life due to lack of oxygen you grab his deceased corpse, you start dragging it through the mountains; expecting to bring home dinner for the family.
every1luvsboners: Little did you know that a honey badger was hiding in a tree. The bear and badger obviously dated in the past, or exchanged oral favors. So, while you were fending for your life with the deadliest animal on planet earth, carrying a dead bear corpse a damn swarm of killer bees attacked you sending you into a rage that's indescribable. Then you were at your snapping point, you're forced to beat the fuck out of anything and everything that moves. Right then and there the honey badger jumps on your face while you're distracted with the bees.
every1luvsboners: You beat the shit out of the honey badger, you eat every fucking bee, grab the bear corpse and start walking home and you cut your face on a low hanging branch. Then you finally make it home. You stitch your face up with an old clothesline and a fishing hook as you watch last weeks episode of Jeopardy that you recorded. Sounds like a legit excuse to me.

#409 ^FMyLife

(↑48, ↓2)

Kayokku: You held EYE CONTACT with him? YOU WHORE.
cudi504: ikr she should just make a porno. slut.
cc_the_beast: I hope she wore glasses! Practice safe eye contact everyone!
ban_anaa: Op probably showers naked. Slut.

#450 ^FMyLife

(↑48, ↓2)

[Today, I popped a boner while my braces were being tightened. FML]

borntoperform: I don't like the way this is worded. Popped?
redbluegreen: Perhaps you would have preferred something like this?
redbluegreen: "Today, my substantially average sized penis filled with blood and I found myself with an erection as my licensed orthodontist cordially tightened the metal wires that had been previously laid upon my semi-crooked teeth. I did not know what to do. Fornicate with my unfortunate existence."

#416 ^FMyLife

(↑46, ↓1)

markusse: If you're a Girl, you're Not a fighter
Alan: Hey, an Internet tough guy. I bet my mum could beat seven bells out of you with her handbag, and still have the strength left to lift up a big fuck-off boulder. Then again, my mum is mental.
socialdisease: You know shit's gone down when the FML team has to reply to your stupidity.

Notes: Fucking dumbass.

#404 ^FMyLife

(↑46, ↓1)

[Today, my boyfriend admitted that on his last visit, he snuck into the laundry and stole a lacy black thong he assumed was mine. It wasn't. It was my dad's. FML]

PurpleFrostingg: .....I have nothing to say to this...
perdix: And yet you made me scroll a little bit further than I should have to because you had to announce that. There are thousands, maybe millions, of people who have nothing to add to a story. You know what they do? Not comment! If you feel the need to express yourself, but don't have anything to say, please cut-and-paste these sure-fire "wins!"
perdix: That sucks.
perdix: YDI for being a whore!
perdix: Make me a sammich.
perdix: Aw, I'm sorry.
perdix: ______(your text here)____ plumpa humpa ______(your text here)_____
perdix: ______(your text here)____ blumpkin ______(your text here)_____
perdix: Save this pre-fab comment kit as a text file on your desktop and use it as needed.

#414 ^FMyLife

(↑47, ↓2)

[Today, I woke up exhausted because a croaking frog had kept me awake the night before. This has happened every night for the past week, and no matter how far away I take the frog, it always ends up sitting in the same place the next morning. FML]

perdix: Does he say, "Bud," "Weis," or "Er?"
perdix: Apparently, you are too much of a pussy to kill the damn thing yourself, so it's useless to repeat the obvious solution. Since you like taking the thing out, here's what you do. Take the frog to a fancy french restaurant. After you've eaten and before the check comes, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and sneak out the window. Because the frog doesn't have canadian money (only greenbacks, haha!), the restaurant will make him pay an arm and a leg and a leg (yeah, everything's more expensive in Canada) and cut their losses by serving the cuisses de grenouille. YWIA.

#18 ^FMyLife

(↑53, ↓9)

theFMLiest1ofThe: wow doortje, people on fml don't admit their mistakes. they just claim it was sarcasm and stick to that story to the bitter end.

#269 ^FMyLife

(↑44, ↓2)

DocBastard: There's nothing wrong with thinking about or looking at a picture of someone else while having relations. I usually think about KaySL and LingLing lying together in a hammock, drinking a piña colada out of a coconut, while softly singing John Mayer lyrics to each other...
DocBastard: Is that so wrong?
KaySL: I feel slightly-to-moderately violated.
Doortje: I feel extremely violated.
Doortje: For NOT being on Doc's mind when he's making love to Mrs. Bastard that is.
DocBastard: Don't worry, Doortje. My second favourite fantasy involves you and rallets doing, well, pretty much anything together.
DocBastard: KaySL - that "violated" feeling is probably the rolling pin from last night. I asked LingLing to be gentle, but you know Ling when he gets excited.
KingDingALing: Doc, that fantasy of me and KaySL is slightly true...
KingDingALing: Oh, who am I kidding. We even sing Ricky Martin lyrics to each other!
KingDingALing: In addition, KaySL told me that he likes it rough! You can't blame me for KaySL's strange, but kinky fetish! You should show everyone the X-Ray of what I did to you, Doc! It'll leave everyone with the question "How did Ling-Ling shove that tire iron up Doc's ass so far?"
KaySL: ^ This is where the elusive Sodomise via Internet button would come in handy. I don't know why they removed that fucking thing, search me.

#285 ^FMyLife

(↑42, ↓0)

[Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML]

Zebidee: This should have been written as a Haiku.
pendatik: Cat pissed in my sand,
pendatik: my zen garden; now it's wet
pendatik: and my cat is dead.
pendatik: Sorry, I'm tired and that was the best I could do for now.
Zebidee: Meditate on rocks.
Zebidee: Islands in a sea of sand.
Zebidee: Oh wait, that's cat shit.

Notes: Because Whorecrux is a cheap pretender to the throne.

#377 ^FMyLife

(↑44, ↓2)

[Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML]

murdermastr: how did you post this FML if a burgalar was in your house today??
SirEBC: how did you post that comment if you were asleep last night?! The fuck?!?!
RedPillSucks: burglar: Get the F*k up!!! I'ma rob you!!!
RedPillSucks: OP: huh? wha...? Damn it man!!!!
RedPillSucks: burglar: Whoa fool. You got no clothes on!!! Bwhahahahahahahah
RedPillSucks: OP: Can you hold on a minute? I need to post something on fmylife...
RedPillSucks: burglar: Dude, you spelt burglar wrong. It's not bugler. And remember to start with "Today"

#424 ^FMyLife

(↑43, ↓1)

[Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that a tornado is not the same thing as a hurricane. I couldn't convince him, and he still won't talk to me. FML]

kayvan: Who cares? Instead of arguing, I should have made him a sandwich.
Rico_Mal1116: Yeah you should have made him a sammich.
yamatelle: What are you doing making somebody else's boyfriend a sammich? Find your own boyfriend!
jessesgirl14: While you're at it- make my boyfriend a sandwich!!
slick5880: I'm here for the free sandwiches. I'll wait on the couch and I don't give a damn who makes it for me.

Notes: Sexist fail ².

#324 ^FMyLife

(↑45, ↓4)

kweenbitch: Before you bitch and moan about some douchebag misspelling racist, maybe you should've learned how to spell apologiZe.....? It really makes you look ridiculous. BTW, stop using the word "retarded". It is highly insensitive to the special needs population. If you have a problem choosing words, use a thesaurus. (You're welcome).
Happygofucky: You are retarded. (You're welcome).
noncomposmentis: kweenbitch: Are you aware that there are two kinds of spelling -- the British spelling and the American spelling?
DocBastard: Kweenbitch, you realise that there are better ways (other than exposing your glaring ignorance) to prove that you are, in fact, a queen bitch?
DocBastard: Actually, there are not. I apologise.
kweenbitch: happygofucky, you can go fuck yourself. you are a POS and you very well know it. you are most certainly a "derp" you dumb fuck. if I was in australia, after I kicked your ass, I would let my special son defecate on you while you writhe on the ground. and yes, you can thank me now. reading the comment made by kaysl didn't hint to me she wrote or spoke using British English. since I am in America, I presumed it was incorrect. if I was incorrect in making this assumption, I apologize.
KaySL: Kweenbitch, even if the others hadn't already pointed out your very own RETARDATION, I'd still just fall silent in reverent awe at said retardation and let the retardation speak for its retarded self. Oh yeah... RETARD. Grow up, take the stick out of your vagina, and stop being so ridiculously hung-up over a string of syllables.
kweenbitch: oh and docbastard, just because the masses on here worship your pathetic excuse at humor, does not mean you are witty/funny/ect. you my friend, are a dumbass.
Shrike: STFU bitch.
DocBastard: You can't tell because you're ALL the way over there and I'm ALL the way over here, but I'm laughing my ass off. That's laughing at you, not with you. If people think someone is funny, that does, in fact, make that person funny. Oh, and I'm not your friend. I'm not friends with morons. You should thank god that breathing is involuntary, because otherwise I think you'd forget.
kweenbitch: you are pathetic. really, really pathetic.
Shrike: just shut your bitch mouth already, I'm a pacifist and you're still pissing me off. You make me wanna blow your legs out with a 9 gauge shotgun, you stupid fucker.
DocBastard: I forgot to mention, oh my kween, that since you brought up misspellings, you misspelled "etc". It stands for "et cetera".
DocBastard: Sorry it took so long for me to reply. I was too busy crying at being called pathetic. *wipes yet another salty tear*
T3P33: we should organize FML comment Gladiator Games. we throw contestants in an Arena and watch them fight to death.
Grimmerie: but doc would just shank people with odd items retrieved from various patients' bodies.
Happygofucky: **** FIRST UP WE HAVE ****
Happygofucky: DocBastard "By the time I'm through with you, you will have a coke bottle up your ass." VS. Kweenbitch "I'm a bitch blahblah retarded blah."
Happygofucky: Get your tickets before they sell out, people! The winner gets 7 minutes in heaven with Sirin.
T3P33: -ooow and it looks like Kweenbitch's rectum simply can not deal with DocBastard's coke bottle! I think I've never seen so much butthurt in my hole career!
T3P33: -indeed, this is one spectacular move from DocBastard who has clearly taken the advantage. We'll be right back aaaafter the commercials!*

Notes: DRINK COKE.

#408 ^FMyLife

(↑42, ↓1)

[Today, I took my clothes off in front of my girlfriend for the first time. She made a weird face for a moment, then burst into laughter. She couldn't stop laughing, no matter how hard she tried. FML]

gayb0ii: lol reminds me a the time i told mah gf bout my sharpie blowin fetish.. well.. am single nao aint i? :( FML....
gayboii: ok... for a moment there i actually thought that id wrote this :L
gayb0ii: wtfff?!! u feel real funnee makin a fake accout bout me??? fuk off u dumb imporsonating fukker...
Denikk: Haha you gaboyz it's funny because... ah fuck it it's just funny xDD
BelleBelle: Will the real gayboii please stand up!
sydie5: Well this is strange...
gayb0ii: am the real gayb0ii -_- swear tae god i get pure bullied on this sight
every1luvsboners: Gayboii, what in the hell is going on mate?
gayboii: how the fuck should i know? ('': am i really your mate?
every1luvsboners: One gayboii is enough. What the hell? I'm confused. The real gayboii will know the answer to this question: What color was the thong that I was wearing Saturday night?
gayb0ii: twas green mate. no way neone else would no that. so fuk ureself imporster
gayboii: red ofcourse... my favourite colour and also the colour of the marker pen you bought me for valentines day
every1luvsboners: gayb0ii is correct. This imposter needs to be strung up by his testicles and the real gayboii shall thump each testicles 31 times.
gayb0ii: red? nice gues u little cunt but RONG. pure fuking shite i deal wit round here.... -_- nao scuse me while i steel some pens to b-l-o-w.
gayboii: aww wit? ... this is bullshit man... first you steal my name... now your stealing my pens? ... not cool bruv
daysgoby902: I thought I was a loser cause I'm on the site like 24/7. why would someone waste their time making a fake account. Gezz get a life.
gayb0ii: shut up. im sick of u people takin the piss aht of me for my fml just let it dye ffs :L an gaysgoby: thats wat im sayin ffs. just delete ure account u sad imporster fukk
gayboii: aww that fml was Legendary... be proud of it.... embrace it man
Awesomeloserchic: Wait....I'm confused who's the real gayboii.............
Polo_X: gayb0ii - if he is impersonating you then why does he have over 400 comments and 8 fmls posted while you have 0 fmls and only 1 comment posted? this would mean he had his account a lot longer than you!
gayb0ii: polo_x - i dont no, he's mega hacking or sumthin. my mate boners backed me up ffs he nos im the real gayb0ii -_- neway i need to go to bed nao, my mum's thretenin to take mah markerz away lol -_-
A7X_LoVeee: AHA! It's pens not markers! BUSTED!!!

Notes: He deleted his account a while later.

#460 ^FMyLife

(↑45, ↓4)

Dante178: Gotta love Christians - any person who has the ability of critical thinking and able to distinguish between fantasy & reality - is automatically either WRONG or influenced by the devil...
MedKits: No...
pendatik: Yes...
effedml: No...
sirbrainiac: Yes...
Llama_Face89: No...
pendatik: Yes...
pendatik: And thus the religious debate devolves into its usual pattern.

#58 ^FMyLife

(↑42, ↓2)

FML858: divorrrce
DocBastard: You're 12 and know nothing of life and relationships. Go back to watching Teletubbies or whatever children do and don't comment on adult subjects until you have some life experience, little girl.
Terezi: Thank you, God, for giving us DocBastard.

Notes: This was after the OP's wife teased him a bit harshly.

#415 ^FMyLife

(↑47, ↓7)

[Today, I was helping some friends put supplies in my crush's car for our picnic. His girlfriend cracked a joke about me, so I just sarcastically laughed and slammed the door shut. Now she has three broken fingers, and I have a reputation as a psychopath. FML]

iflytacos96: Its called a phsosiopath. It sounds like that but its not spellde that way
every1luvsboners: Your spelling is amazing. Maybe you could give the OP lessons some time.
MareNostrum: Are you confusing psychopath with sociopath?
mudkipsan: I think they are confusing their keyboard with a drum set

#295 ^FMyLife

(↑43, ↓3)

[Today, a man was struggling up some slippery steps with a pram, when his sunglasses fell from his head. I hurried to pick them up for him, as he had no free hands, but instead accidentally stood on them, snapping them in half. FML]

BisFitty: WTF is a pram?
DocBastard: Just to do a little research, I timed how long it would take me to type in "WTF is a pram?". Then I timed how long it took me to type "pram" into google so I could see hundreds of pictures of prams.
DocBastard: WTF is a pram: 0.9 seconds
DocBastard: pram: 0.2 seconds
DocBastard: I do this research for you because I care.
BisFitty: A good FML doesn't require research. We don't come here to do homework.
Alan: Congratulations, you win the "most pathetic argument" award for this month. Collect your prize on your way out, if you manage to work it out.
MyNameIsInsomnia: Aw :( maybe he'll forgive you? and what is a pram?
Alan: I'm like DocB, I despair sometimes.
BisFitty: Again, we do not come to this site to do research. A good FML includes all necessary info.
Alan: Do you want us to spoon feed you all aspects of general knowledge? Christ on a jetski, I've never seen someone so arrogant about being ignorant. And you're wrong, a good FML requires someone with a brain and the willpower to actually maybe learn something. You lose.
Sirin: You're either trolling, or hopelessly ignorant. Maybe you should read a dictionary at some point in your life, or use a search engine, if you don't understand a word's meaning. Please either get off your arse and make an effort, or shut it and stop wasting space in the comments section. Oh, and the same goes to you, BisFitty.
DocBastard: *googles "Christ on a jetski"*
DocBastard: *looks up "search engine" in the dictionary*
RedPillSucks: Here let me do it for you....
RedPillSucks: Today (some time in the last 24hrs), a man (homo sapien sapien, male) struggling (having physical difficulty) up some slippery (unable to fully grasp or purchase because of some lubricant, usually ice) steps (stairs leading to a home or abode) with a pram (baby stroller, google search About 7,720,000 results (0.13 seconds) ) dropped his sunglasses (darkened lenses placed over the eyes to minimize brightness. Sometimes used to look cool) off his head (something infrequently used by FML readers) in his struggle. I hurried (moved quickly towards) to pick them up for him as he had no free (he paid for them, so they're not free, but most likely his hands were occupied doing something else) hands, and instead stood on them and snapped them in half (he broke them).
RedPillSucks: Just because you are not familiar with every single variant of the english language doesn't mean OP has to spell everything out for you. In Austrailia, I showed up for Shrimp on the Barbie with a small guy humping a barbie doll and was promptly tossed out.

Notes: I'd ask WTF Google is, but I'm too arrogant to be lynched this young.

#301 ^FMyLife

(↑42, ↓2)

cpatrick820: Tattoos can go either way. It's sort of like how you speak. While "That bitch dun stole my shit-wipes" and "She took my toilet paper" may mean the same thing, one certainly gives off a stronger, different impression. Get one that signifies something personal and very close to you. It can be simple, seemingly stupid to others, or even outright offensive, as long as it holds enough meaning to be a part of you forever.
cpatrick820: Then again, what do I matter? If you want a Smurf with a 10 inch wang cock-slapping the Statue of Liberty, by all means get it.

#370 ^FMyLife

(↑41, ↓1)

[Today, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend telling me he still likes me and might love me too. Later I asked him if he really meant it and his response was "I don't know. I was high." FML]

spazmattic: Translation: I don't know, I was lonely and pathetic and having a moment where I told you the truth and regretted it immediately, so I took a hit off my bong I keep hidden in my closet to medicate the pain of everyday living, cried and masturbated using my own tears as lubricant before falling asleep feeling helpless and violated.

#396 ^FMyLife

(↑42, ↓2)

[Today, I went to my friend's house because his family was having a move away party for him. Everything was going good until his dad decided to give a toast. Including an anecdote about how he walked in on us watching porn together. FML]

sara_saturday: there once was a kid down the block,
sara_saturday: who liked movies with girls sucking cock.
sara_saturday: i caught him and my son,
sara_saturday: their pants were undone,
sara_saturday: "next time use a room with a lock!"

#422 ^FMyLife

(↑43, ↓3)

[Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML]

yamatelle: I'll give you my Word, OP. Social life is not something you Excel at. On the bright side, you got Access to their customer service. I'm telling you, no matter how many times I used my customer Power to get to the Point of my problem, they go around the bushes and never answer my questions or solve the problem. Have a positive Outlook in life. I'm sure there are people out there that could make Excel-lent friends with you.

#198 ^FMyLife

(↑41, ↓2)

TypoH: Okay guys, since I have nothing better to do with my time than scream "first!" in a voice not unlike that of a pre-pubescent Justin Bieber getting jackhammered up the ass for the first time, I thought I may as well confess my love of the fine and ancient art of nipple-fiddling. Look, I know it's a vile and dark art, but when you spend your off-hours performing Bittersweet Symphony on your rock-hard nipples for death row inmates, you know you've not only reached for the stars, you've creepily molested them to the point of a pending lawsuit, wee-woo.
TypoH: Does this REALLY make me such a bad person?
Acousticpixie14: Moderated in 3...2....1....
banana_buddy: Dawm how do the mods come up with descriptive shit like this.
CanucksFTW: Is it wrong that the mods can come up with something so descriptive in a short amount of time?
KingDingALing: No, it's not wrong. I'm pretty sure it's called improv or something.
KingDingALing: #1 - It's ok. People like you enjoy tweaking your nipples so I'm pretty sure that having a fetish for nipple fiddling is quite alright. Just don't attach jumper cables to your nipples. That's some real kinky shit that only professionals such as myself and...um...other people...should try...
KaySL: You forgot the part involving a stick up the ass, Ling-Ling, but I otherwise wholeheartedly agree. Far too many amateurs die each year due to impromptu nipple barbecues. BUT NO, what the hell? Fiddling awesome melodies is traditionally done on violins, not human nipples, ARE YOU COMPLETELY MOTHERFUCKING INSANE? Is it just me, or is the #1 spot now turning into a god damn agony aunt advice column? I wish you people would just inhale a monster cock and DIE.
KingDingALing: Unfortunately for him, not even a stick up his ass will save him. And here I thought that getting a stick shoved up your ass would be the solution to everything. Woe is me. :( Oh well, the world will always be filled with sick, perverted freaks. Not that there's anything wrong with that....I have my sick, perverted moments also...
UpsidedownKayak: I am starting to think people are saying "first" on purpose, just to piss off Sirin and see what she will do.
Doortje: Yeah, I even considered screaming "FIRST" myself, just to see how my dull comment would transform in some great confession about masturbating with popsicles or something.

#236 ^FMyLife

(↑41, ↓2)

Sirin: Right guys, I'm only going to say this once: posting homophobic drivel here will quickly get you neck-deep in shit, so please, let's be civil with our comments.
Ripbrood: [Comment moderated]
DocBastard: Ripbrood, I'm very proud of you for admitting to the world that you enjoy shoving replica Louisville Sluggers up your ass, but that isn't really appropriate here. That explains why you got moderated, so just watch it from now on, friend.
DocBastard: Edit: I guess that sort of comment earns a ban. Oopsy!
LH0026: ...I'm sorely tempted to make some smartass reply like "omg really? that's so gay", but I don't want to risk getting banned >.>
KaySL: Here let me try. But Siiiiiiiiiwwwwwiiiiiinnnnn! Whyyyyy? But no, I'm fucking gay, everyone, fucking gay as DocBastard on a Friday night out at a fucking gay strip club. Fuck.
DocBastard: Dammit KaySL, I go there for the goddamned Buffalo wings! They make great wings! I swear!

Notes: Yeah, suuuuuuuurrrrreeee.

#375 ^FMyLife

(↑40, ↓1)

Olovio: "When life sucks tits, make lemonade and drink it because it will taste good and quench your thirst." — Benjamin Franklin
Apollyo: "The problem with quotes on the Internet is that you never know if they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln
ChopToxicity: "When you're feeling down, kill batman" - the joker
Apollyo: "If I was that easy to kill. You won't be sitting in your home basking in my awesomeness and feeling down in the first place." - The Batman
MarioandSonic: "Abraham Lincoln didn't have internet in his day" - common sense.
lexi365: Neither did Benjamin Franklin.
iLazy: "The sense of humour of man has been lost through the ages" - Winston Churchill
OCDC: "An FML a day keeps the idiots away." -Joseph Stalin
OCDC: *Please note that this quote has little or no relevance to modern-day society. See previous comments for further explanation as to why there are still idiots on FML.

#442 ^FMyLife

(↑40, ↓1)

FYLDeep: Too bad we couldn't have gotten a 2 for 1 and had ourselves a professional strip poker player.
YayFlameWarz: If pokers' a sport, put it in the Olympics; but you can only play with what your countries worth.
match99: "look like Costa Rica is all in with fifteen coconuts"

#152 ^FMyLife

(↑42, ↓4)

[Today, I went to my dad and new stepmom's house for the week. Upon arrival, I was handed mouthwash, deodorant, and lice shampoo. The guest bed I was told I'd be sleeping in was fitted with a plastic mattress cover. I don't have lice and I don't wet the bed. FML]

DocBastard: You are inferring all wrong. They are clearly telling you that you have bad breath, you stink, and you're going to get lice from the last person who slept on that bed.
FYLDeep: Doc, I'm not used to you getting this so wrong. They obviously think he's a total slut and is gonna bang a bunch of people in that bed. You don't want jizz stains everywhere obviously. The lice shampoo is for his crabs and the mouthwash is for cleaning his mouth out when he's done going down on those blue-waffled bitches.

Notes: Any other interpretations?

#435 ^FMyLife

(↑42, ↓5)

[Today, my parents asked me if I would dog-sit for them while they go to my ex's wedding. FML]

SirEBC: Your Native-American name would be Sitting Bitch.

#459 ^FMyLife

(↑40, ↓3)

[Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML]

Zeronos: Call of dooty: Fart Ops.
THE_A_TEEN: Unfarted 3
WCARlover: Mario Shart
MrMisfit: World of warcrap
flockz: ratchet and stank.
ThatOneCanadian: Ass Ass-ins creed
flockz: assassin's creed: constipations.
KiddNYC1O: Devil May Fart.
MrMisfit: Halo: longshat evolved.
KiddNYC1O: GoldenFart 007.
xSonic: Kingdom Farts
efemel94: Army of poo
razor417: Counter Shite
Poetaster: War of the Vampire Zombie fart brigade.
xcowboys: Duke Nukem : Forever- you dont even need to change the name.
SirCuDi: Star Wars: The Fart Unleashed
j_cat187: Mario and Luigi: super-shard saga
yourlifesfucked: The Elder Scrolls V: Bowlrim

Notes: WTF

#223 ^FMyLife

(↑38, ↓2)

[Today, I was in a hurry, so I decided to skip breakfast. When my mom found out, she started yelling at me for being "anorexic". Five minutes into the argument, she passed out. I rushed her to the hospital, where the doctors told me she'd fainted from over-exertion brought on by serious malnutrition. FML]

nimshun: What the fuck?! I bet Wikileaks opened up the classified files, and this asshole of an OP copied my shit. Alright then, you wanna play it like that, OP, huh? Fine. Let's do this shit then. I'm gonna tell MY side of the story, it's exposition time, bitch. So there we were, me and my special ops unit, deep behind enemy lines. It was just the three of us against the unfathomable might of the Canadian Salvation Army. Fierce little bastards they were, they'd committed countless atrocities and mass rapes against the local wildlife, but shit son, we weren't gonna take it no longer. They were gonna pay penance for their sins, come hell or high water, know what I'm sayin', bruh? Yeah, we were the best of the best, the 2nd SpecOps Detachment, Forward Lance. We called ourselves the Cunters. Just me, "Lil' Willy" MacGregor, and Charlie "Fuckface" Trent. Christ, we were somethin'.
nimshun: At first, the op went real smooth. We'd infiltrated the enemy lines and moved up-river, garrotting those commie pigs one by one with our marine-issue cocks. Death toll stood at 69 by the time we got to their command barracks. That's when it all went south. That motherfucker KaySL had sold us out for a twinky and a coke. A fuckin' twinky and a coke, man, if you're gonna commit treason, at least ask for a fuckin' Big Mac. The door slammed shut behind us and we were surrounded by enemy troops. The SA leader, a notorious war criminal and rapist by the name of Colonel Perdix, stood before us, wearing nothing but a thong and a pair of condoms as gloves. His afro was even more horrifying than the rumours had led us to believe. But yeah. The Cunters became the Cunted that night. Sick shit, bruv. He pranced towards us sexily, cock swinging in the wind like a kind of demon-possessed coil of loose rope. We knew what was coming. Had to act, you know?
nimshun: And act we did. We quickly started talking about how cold it'd been down in Tennessee lately, 50F. It was all the distraction we needed. Those smug Canadian bastards started ranting on about how Americans are pussies and can't stand the chill. Fucking last mistake they ever made. We grabbed their weapons and gunned 'em all down. They didn't stand a chance, failed like a Dane Cook attempt at humility, know what I'm sayin'? We cuffed the Colonel and made our way back to HQ. Had to put up with his weird ramblings all the way. "The little sheep was asking for it", accordin' to him. "She was dressed real slutty", he said. Made no sense to me at the time, but just two weeks later, the cops down in Knoxville dredged up a dead sheep from the Tennessee River. Its asshole was the size of a basketball, and it had the Colonel's face etched into its fur. Sick motherfucker, but he got what was coming to him in the end.
nimshun: The General was pleased. We all got promotions and a year's supply of KingDingALing Anal Sticks (TM). Dunno what the fuck those were all 'bout, but whatever, man. 'course, President Franklin "Doc" Bastard took all the credit for the op. Fuck that pig and fuck his fanboys too, fuck's sake man. Bein' special ops, we couldn't get any medals or the recognition we deserved, somethin' that pisses me off to this day. When it comes to saving the USA from Salvation Army death squads, we're the shit. We're the reason Americans still live in a free country, brah. We come first. So just to subliminally remind everyone of that, me and the boys scream "first!" in memorial of all the innocent sheep the Colonel ass-fucked and threw into random rivers. What a cruel world we live in, man. Wee-woo.
TessIsabella: the fuck was that all about?!
lbeer: #1 get a life
No_LoveMM: Go Sirin!
Mirorbo: The efforts you go through just to scream "first" just shows how sad and lonely you really are, darling.
saleha97: hahaha, you forgot me! i was the one who raped you before you got to distract them :)
KingDingALing: I only make the best kind of anal sticks! No other anal stick can compare to my gold covered, 10 inch, hand-crafted anal sticks! You forgot the part where Doortje sneaks up behind you guys and brutally stabs you 27 times in the asshole.
GeneGenie: I love these stories.
DIESINBLOOD: O_O The h3ll?
GreeneyedWonder: This story was more entertaining than the FML.
nimshun: WTFFF!! i didn't post this shit what the fuck! my comment got switched with somone elses!
DocBastard: Nimshun, look up there. That comment has your name on it, therefore you made it. Plain and simple. Don't believe all this bullshit about mods "changing" comments. That's a load of poppycock. But just because you don't remember making your comment immediately after smoking dried penguin shit and snorting whale semen doesn't mean you didn't do it, friend.

Notes: Let us never forget the sacrifices The Cunters made for our liberty.

#384 ^FMyLife

(↑38, ↓2)

[Today, my 15 year old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML]

j_cat187: oompa loommpa diddy do i got a story just for you..from there in lyricaly impaired due to writers block so somone thats good with the rhymes:
DocBastard: What do you get what your brother visits?
DocBastard: A house full of noise and a face full of zits.
DocBastard: He swapped your lotion for some oranging cream
DocBastard: This is a nightmare not...a...dream.
DocBastard: Oompa loompa doompa dee do
DocBastard: You've got a face that's orange, not blue
DocBastard: Oopma loopma doomapa dee dee
DocBastard: Don't kill your brother, ship him to me.

#421 ^FMyLife

(↑47, ↓11)

[Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML]

naddification: She wanted to break up cos SHE farted?
yamatelle: Yes, she broke up with him Cos her fart smelled like old, rotten Pi. I bet she was embarassed about her Tan lines she got on her back, too. This is a Sine that she wanted to break up a long time ago. I hope they Co-sined a deal and OP gets everything. Hey, you're the Secant post.

#394 ^FMyLife

(↑38, ↓4)

grapisy: Isn't that a bit too far? I mean, you arent even dating and shes already sending you pics of cheesecake? What a skank.
Virginia6810: exactly! next she's going to cover it in chocolate syrup or something.
proxxX069069: with the strawberries on top :D
grapisy: Strawberries! Who taught you to think like that missy!?
smurfsarwales: what about some delicious white whipped cream?
abceasyas: Oh my, those will all really get the juices flowing.
iLoveBoobies21: Oh shit! What about sprinkles?!
Saltime: Sprinkles on cheesecake? What the fuck is wrong with you?! YOU MONSTER!!
larisonr: This conversation is getting me hot.
TaylorTotsYumm: I find this easy to masturbate to.
proxxX069069: sorry guys i didn't mean too make it soo steamy

#406 ^FMyLife

(↑36, ↓2)

[Today, I had to announce to the whole house that I was going the bathroom, because the lock on the door is broken. Before I had the chance to wipe, my dad loudly burst through the door, stark bollock naked, to take a shower. FML]

sdrawkcabemkcuF: totes happend to me be4 exept it was muy boyfriend lol but we blowied in the shower afta for dayz ;) haha im stupid xD
bobbymullet: just curious, why can't you spell things right?
taylornicole97: I had to read this 3 times before I actually understood what you were trying to say. jusstt sayiin.
TardxxxCake: at least she admitted to her stupidity... -shrugs-
inkredible: Well, I agree with her last few words...
socialdisease: Holy crap I just realized what her username really means.....
je_suis: What?!?! Translator please...

[Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML]

sdrawkcabemkcuF: wow wat a dumb cant lol id punch his head rite off his legs!!
Mipz: You've proven yourself dumber than him.
Kayzee01: ... wait, what?
ryanst: sdrawkcabemkcuF's parents must have bad English genes..
reallytho3: Wuts a dumb cant? Lol
iEatGuppies: since when are heads on our legs? do you mean cunt, cause I have no idea wtf a cant is.
iEatGuppies: "you are so dumb! you are really dumb, forreal!" -Antoine Dodson
je_suis: Why are all her posts incomprehensible with a dire need of a translator?
Justforlolz: I've read this guys last three comments... I weep for mankind.
fauxyhaha: Last time I checked, heads weren't on legs, "cant"

[Today, in one fell swoop, my testicles and spirits were simultaneously crushed into submission by the girl I like. FML]

sdrawkcabemkcuF: omg lol id soooo fingering her if she did tht 2 me wata bitc h rofl!! xD
madskittlesftw: ... wut?
genesisnirvana: What the hell are you saying?
Captain0bv10us: Excuse me for a minute, I have lost all faith in humanity
HeyLookJesus: Rough translation, *clears throat* "Omg lol, Id SOOO finger if she did that to me! What a bitch, rofl xD!" Ta-da! now we can all understand what a complete idiot this commenter is :D
Kayzee01: your grammar makes my head itch...
ximeldax: english.. do you speak it?
missyj0: He no speakeh deh engrish.
gayboii: congrats on not getting banned yet dude... i give you another couple hours
x_KL_x: I weep for the future.
Brool_Story_Co: she has commented on the last three FML's. All three of these comments make me want to stab my eyes out. Seriously, i'm sure everyone will agree, please stop commenting like this.

Notes: Humanity is fucked...

#291 ^FMyLife

(↑40, ↓7)

[Today, as I was driving home from work, a bird decided to commit suicide by flying in front of my car. The shock caused me to slam on the brakes, totaling three other cars in the process. When I told my husband, he just laughed and told me it was all my fault. FML]

DocBastard: You weren't leaglely at fault, so don't crow about your problems here. You're pigeon-holing yourself as whiny. Swallow your pride, tell your husband that he doesn't rule the rooster - toucan play this game. If he won't play wren you fight back, call him chicken. From heron out, you can be on the offensive. If he throws something at you, duck. Owl bet this strategy will work. Good luck!

#260 ^FMyLife

(↑35, ↓3)

[Today, it snowed a lot and my friends and I went outside for a walk. Someone drove by and threw a snowball at me, hitting me square in the face. Surprised, I side-stepped only to end up losing balance and roll down a hill into a ditch full of prickly bushes. FML]

Brave_Sir_Robin: Kind of reminds me of a past experience I had once...
Brave_Sir_Robin: ...except instead of snowballs, it was my grandmother's balls...
Brave_Sir_Robin: ...and instead of a hill, it was a set of stairs...
Brave_Sir_Robin: ...and instead of a ditch full of prickly bushes, it was a ditch full of pricks...
Brave_Sir_Robin: That was one crazy Yom Kippur.

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